I’ve spent a lot of time home alone with Jon the last fifteen years. But this ‘home alone’ is entirely new territory. Mike’s physical presence missing in this house is tangible. Knowing he will never walk through the door again is haunting. It’s just me and Jon now.
I have no idea what our future looks like without Mike here. We depended on him greatly. He was fiercely loyal, responsible, a get it done kind of guy you could lean on. It’s hard getting up in the morning and going to bed at night without him. The days ahead seem long and dismal.
Everyone around me tells me I’m doing good. I don’t know what they are seeing. Nothing seems good or right in this. I don’t feel ‘good’. The initial shock and numbness of Mike’s sudden death is wearing off and the reality of doing life alone, without him in it, is settling in heavily. I wear it constantly, like a thick coat in a hot desert place.
Yet in my constant sorrow, there is no struggle to trust God. So much I don’t understand but I have not once blamed Him for any of it. There’s no where else to go but to Him, so why would I push Him away? Why would I turn my back on Him? And knowing Mike is with Him gives me hope.
I proclaim as did the disciple Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life” John 6:68.
All the hard places in my life have taught me God can be trusted. This one is the highest level of learning so far. Leaning. Reaching. Longing for my Heavenly Father to fill me up with more of Himself. There’s no where else to go. But to Him.
So here I am Lord. The sun has risen again and I’m living another day you’ve given without my husband at my side. I surrender it to you. I surrender me to you. I surrender Jon to you.
I have no answers. So much I don’t know.
But of this I am certain: TODAY we are Yours.
Keep posting Diane. I believe as you put your feelings on print that will be part of your healing. I love the way you express yourself, your Faith in God, Trusting, Believing that one day the pain will be less. Trust me it will. Love you bunches and know that I am here for you. I am a phone call away or a few miles. I enjoyed my time with you on Tuesday and loved seeing Jon interact. It was a good night.
Know that there will be others to help & who does may surprise you. You are not alone & the sun will shine again & there will be many an oasis & life lesson to come. I felt I had no hope because I wasn’t sure completely where Kim was. Then 3 weeks after her passing, the Lord gave me a visit from her in a very real vision. She was smiling with no sign of pain or worry. She was dressed completely in white with beams all around her. God is good. Even in our darkest hours, He is there present in the pain, present in the tears, & present in revelation to you & your family as Hus time frame allows. We may feel like we’re stuck in a waste-howling wilderness, but He is there, too. Psalm 139 is good to review. Love you, Sue
I cannot begin to imagine. I do know that your steadfastness in your faith and how you have shared such intimate thoughts, have touched me deeply. I have shared your story with others and they too have been touched. Mike was such a wonderful friend and witness to all, but you my friend are a witness of the Grace and Power of God like none I have ever witnessed. You and Jon are are in our prayers cocstantly. All these words to you seem to be so shallow. It is hard to describe the dept of the feelings.