I’ve gone to the grocery store almost every week in my forty two years of marriage and family raising. Multiplying fifty two weeks in a year by forty two years equates to two thousand one hundred and eighty four times. Other than a parking lot ding on my car’s bumper, an occasional broken jar, squished peach or the bottom falling out of a full bag, it has been a nondescript task.
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2017, I came home from the grocery store to find my husband dead in the front yard. There is absolutely nothing nondescript about that and I’m not sure I’ll ever look at buying groceries the same again.
Mike’s last words to me were, “I’ll see you when you get back.”
He didn’t.
Now I attempt to navigate from here. The shared weight of responsibility Mike carried for Jon has been added entirely to me. It is heavy. I feel as if I’m suffocating right now. I’m hanging on to Jesus like the leaf of a tree in a hurricane.
I see and feel the concern, love and prayers of those around us and am incredibly grateful to all who are rallying around me and Jon. But I’ve noticed the frequently asked question seems to be, “How are you doing?” So I’m feeling the need to explain to those who have yet to experience this particular type of storm, the difficult answer to this question.
Quite honestly, I don’t even know how I’m doing. There is no answer.
However, an attempt to put it into words might go like this. I am a bucket of mashed potatoes. I have been picked, peeled, quartered, boiled, whipped, shoved through a sieve for extra fine-ness and tossed onto Florida’s Interstate 4 at rush hour to be run over by three hundred vehicles a minute.
For the unforeseeable future, my answer to the ‘how you doing’ question will be “Mashed Potatoes and God is still good!”
Just have a spatula to peel me off the pavement and a little salt and butter when you see me. I’m hoping these mashed potatoes will eventually be able to feed a hurting, desperate soul somewhere on the interstate of life.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Diane,
Last night as I was praying for you all before service,
I got this strange feeling and the message I left passed before my eyes. My memory isn’t that good, so I knew it was the HS. I remember adding and editing, and feeling something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure it out. I knew perhaps Clara and Asa may not have been spelled properly but when I put Mikes name in place of Davids, my heart sank.
After losing 6 family members in 6 years myself it was just reminding me of my own journey of grief share classes, and wondering how you must be coping with it all. I’m truly sorry. 💖🙏
Diane,
Thank you for continuing to share in such a unimaginable time of grief. I’m so very sorry for what your having to endure. I can never begin to imagine the loss of your precious covenant husband, best friend, partner, protector, provider, helper, caregiver partner with Jon, & our amazing Pastor. I will greatly miss him. I’m happy I have saved sermon notes as part of his wonderful legacy.
Continuing to keep you, Pastor Mike’s family, friends, Jon, Mike, Claria, and Asa in prayer as you all journey through this very difficult time.
Gods love, grace, peace and blessings upon you all.
Deborah, Jennifer, Jake, & grandgifts
Thank you for the prayers and love. It is carrying me through ❤️
I feel your pain Diane. Unless someone has walked in your shoes they have no idea the loss you are feeling, Words just can’t explain it. Faith says you will get through this in time so you just carry on One Day at a Time. Trusting in God and His promises to carry you THROUGH. Love you…..
That question is always a tough one. I love your answer. It is a question coming from the best of intentions but almost impossible to answer honestly without hurting the askers feelings. I remember thinking , if I say I can barely make it out of bed and through the day, My days are lived minute to minute someone might think I dont appreciate the concern. This is a difficult solo journey, buoyed by love of family, friends and God. Keep hanging on to that branch!
It is a solo journey while surrounded by those who care but can’t really help. Such a paradox. Sounds like you’re fresh into it. Let’s pray for each other.
Yes! Love too!
Words can’t describe the grief I feel for you. I KNOW that God is with you and Jon in all of this! My prayers are with you.
Thank you so much!❤️