I 
write this on a flight to Chattanooga, Tennessee, to celebrate my son’s first published book release. He’s hosting a book launch party this weekend. It seems to be a thing authors do now and it’s a rather big deal.
David’s father would have been excited to attend this event. My husband should be here next to me. But the seat is as empty as the gapping hole in my heart.
We often went places without each other. I’d go and Mike would stay home with Jon or the reverse. Though we didn’t always enjoy our necessary separations, we accepted it as how things had to be. And I always knew he’d be waiting for me when I returned.
This flight feels different than any I’ve taken before. I’m surrounded by people, crammed together inside an Allegiant MD80, yet it’s so lonely. As the miles are absorbed beneath me and the land slides away, the one person on this planet, who knew me better than anyone, who made history and a life with me is missing. I could fly all the way around the circle of the earth in this plane, and not find him.
My husband won’t be there when I go back home. I’m flying solo now.
For those who say “He’s still with you,” or “He’s watching over you, I say “No. Maybe. I don’t know.” There’s no scriptural basis I can find for that. If he is watching me all the time he’s sad at how heartbroken I am without him. There’s not supposed to be any sadness or heartache in Heaven. So I have my doubts.
And right now it’s not enough to think he might be watching me from wherever he is. It’s just not enough for me. I can’t see, hear or touch him. I can talk to the air and tell him how proud we are of our kid’s accomplishments but Mike isn’t here with me to share in it. He doesn’t answer. All I get in return is silence.
Saying he’s with me doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me feel better. In fact, hearing that he’s watching from somewhere I’m not, makes it worse. Only a reminder Mike’s physical presence is sorely missing from mine.
Maybe I’ll be more accepting of such platitudes later. In a year. Or two. Or three. But not now.
So Mike, if by some chance you are listening and if you can see, I’ve arrived now and I’m holding a copy of our son’s book in my hands. It’s amazing. So is he. Just like his father.
And it’s cold in Chattanooga. You’d be complaining right along with me. Wish we could lay here together under this fluffy, warm comforter and talk about it all.
Just want you to know this weekend, you’ll sure be missed at this celebration of what we, and then our son, created.
We have no words of platitude to give. Our hearts break for your grief and heartache for your beloved husband. We only wish there were a way to comfort you during this time. So we will read your words as you navigate your way through these uncertain times. Please know while our lives have taken us in different paths we both have you in our thoughts and prayers.
Beautifully written as usual. I hope being with Dave, Claire and Asa Bear this week will give you some joy and peace. laughter as you play with Asa making new memories. I don’t believe Mike is looking down at you. Heaven is a place with no pain or sadness. It would hurt Mike seeing you hurt. So we that are left behind go on as best we can in knowing we will see our loved ones again when God calls us home or He tells Jesus “Go get my children”. Love you Diane.
Diane ,
I am amazed at the talent God has given you as a writer. Every time you post something I am draw
In and I feel all that you feel and see what you see .
Get lots of hugs and kisses from Asa and The sane from mom and dad . Take it all in .
Reading a new book by Mark Batterson titled
WHISPER- – How to Hear the Voice of God .
He talks about how we have so much noise in our lives we sometimes can’t hear the small voice (whisper) of God . I have learned from your
Special Place that I need to Seek Him more
Now than ever . I used to Journal every day
and write my things done before the Lord.
The Whispers He has given you have opened my eyes to start my journaling again .
I really have missed it and don’t know why I
Stopped. Yes I do ! Laziness and letting the
Enemy distract me with other things.
So thank you again for sharing you life
With me . Praying for you and family
Diane my heart really aches for you. I saw my mom go through what you are experiencing losing my dad. I saw her cry over and over missing his companionship his presence. All I can say as time goes by you will start to get emotionally stronger, but I Not going to lie, his presence Will always be missed. Life will go on for you but their will always be a void. Diane I love you so much and I pray that God will fill you up with so much peace and with what ever else that will help you my friend. I couldn’t imagine what your going through ,but I know that the thought of losing Angel crosses my mind like when he told me he fell asleep behind the wheel this week Scared me to death almost. Life sometime Is Very hard but rewarding in other ways.. Thank God that you had children together because, You have a piece of Pastor Mike in them. You have a reminder of the memories you both created and the love you shared .Love you my beautiful friend.
Diane,
This was so tenderly worded and another perfect piece!
You are an extraordinarily gifted writer.
Love continued prayers and blessings,
Deborah