In October 2017, when my husband died, this sudden, life altering earthquake shook me to my core. Everything that was secure, safe and predictable took a seismic shift. I feel as if I‘m clinging to the edge of open ground, trying not to fall into the deep chasm it has created. If I‘m honest, I have no dreams right now and many moments I struggle to have hope. It’s daily survival mode around here.
So where do I go from here? I’m still taking care of an adult disabled son who needs me and there are so many complicated layers to this dynamic I’m often at a loss to explain. Jon requires most of my breathing hours.
I’ve heard I should have dreams, goals. I should allow God to resurrect them. I should go back to where they died and bring them back to life. But how? Where? When? At this point I can’t even recall any. My life has been spent supporting my husband and taking care of my children. There’s been very little of it that’s been about me and I’m not one bit sorry for it.
My youngest son is grown and on his own now and my husband is gone. He’s not coming back. There’s no resurrecting that!
As I talked to my Heavenly Dad about it this morning He spoke quietly to my heart.
“Daughter, This is not complicated. YOU are MY dream. I AM your goal. Your dream should be to know you are LOVED by ME. Your dream should be to KNOW ME. Every other thing you do, have, want and become will flow from there. Walk with ME through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and Darkness. Don’t struggle so much to figure it out. Trust MY LOVE FOR YOU and let your dream and purpose unfold as we travel this road together.”
I‘m not very good at this yet and I ‘m struggling to trust Him in this new, hard place. I have neither the energy or faith to dream but He has all the strength and faith I need. HE is my faith. HE is my source. HE is the wellspring of my life.
Dreams that never existed can’t be resurrected BUT could it be, God can create brand new ones after everything inside me has died?
For those of us who feel like it’s over and there’s nothing left to resurrect – Yes!! He can make all things new! Even ME.
Maybe someday I‘ll dream again. That’s all I got for now and what I’m holding on to.
Revelation 21:5 “And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Diane-You have always inspired me to rise above my circumstances. Most times you have no idea what or when it is happening. And sometimes I have to reflect back and see how it happens. Both you and Mick have had a powerful impact on my life. From the days back at Liberty when I started attending there and even long distance. I always look for in Facebook, to see what I can glean from you. Keep sharing and writing.
Love you,
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Bonnie
Diane,
you say it so beautiful, I’m going through the some pain, I know how you feel since I lost my husband suddenly, you are explaining to me how I feel though Gods words and this is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Diane ,
Your writings are so wonderful. You share your heart and in turn you are helping others to learn to as you put it walk through the valley of shadow of death with God . He will walk through it with us . We are never alone .
I don’t dream myself or i just don’t remember them . One day maybe i will and it will be a great one .
Love your writings ! They are inspiring and real !
Love you my friend.
I cannot imagine, but do know this, your updates are doing for me and others more than you can ever know. Prayers going up for you dear one.
Ditto to what Jean wrote. Keep writing….love you! Again in time it will get better just the process you have to walk through. Not easy but God……
Write!! You have such a natural talent. You say out loud what others can’t put into words… Or even concrete thoughts sometimes. You acknowledge pain and frustration and uncertainty in your life allowing other sufferers to say, “That’s me…”. You present God’s offering comfort even if they don’t offer explanation. A devotional book sharing your journey would be valuable to many. We all suffer loss. We all need a perspective outside ourselves. God is teaching you what everyone needs to know at some point in their lives. Write!
Oops! Edit – You present God’s words offering comfort…