Category Archives: Relational Life

Just Be There

Jon is often a night owl and I sometimes try to be one with him, just to be with him. A few late nights ago, I was lying on the sofa watching determined chefs attempt to cook their best dish in a ridiculous amount of time, competition.

Jon was rustling around in another part of the house.

At one point he came and stood behind me and began repeating, “He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.”

I‘m never sure if Jon is parroting a movie line he’s heard or trying to express a thought. I turned the TV volume down.

“Who’s gone, Jon?”

More repeating, “He’s gone. He’s gone…”

I asked again.

“My Dad. He’s never coming back.”

Grief does not play out on a short path. The journey is long and arduous. We have moments now, when we laugh and smile, but there’s still a pile of sad and edgy and raw and vulnerable. There’s still many days it’s difficult to wrap our brains and hearts around the truth that Mike is missing from us. 

My son in his simple, yet profound voice has stated, here we are, still struggling.

Where will this journey take us? I don’t know. I do know this. When our son was born, I had to become an advocate for the disabled. A few years later I was run over by chronic illness and eventually took up the banner of reclaiming health through lifestyle choices. Now that close and sudden death has taken my breath away, I will become a spokesperson in this modern, sanitized, look the other way, death and grief illiterate western culture, for those whose hearts break. For those who walk the long, shadowed path of living after great loss.   

If it’s true that our mess becomes our message, then it appears I’ve been given something to share. I volunteered for none of these difficulties, (I mean, come on, who does?) regardless, I’m learning our brokenness is not to be hidden or disregarded, but is meant to come along side another, reach out, weep, hug, love with feet and hands on, encourage, and proclaim, “I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how to fix this but I will not run from your pain. I will not ignore your struggle. I see you and I am here.”

In the time of His greatest sorrow, Jesus wanted his friends near him. As he grieved and struggled with what was ahead, he longed for human companionship. Near-ness. 

“What, you couldn’t even stay awake with me for one hour?” (Matthew 26:40) There was nothing his follower friends could do to change what was about to happen but He needed to know they were there for Him. 

I have come to believe our main calling and purpose in this life is to walk beside each other in all of it’s joy and brokenness. To show up. To just be there.

Do that for someone you know today.

And I pray, if and when needed, someone will do the same for you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 

Broken Bootstraps

The American Dream was built on a mind set of individualism and independence.  The idiom ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ is deeply ingrained in the western worldview and taken to a positive outcome has helped our country and culture evolve into an innovative and creative influence in the world. 

The origin of this descriptive phrase isn’t known. It refers of course to boots and the straps that some boots have attached to help the wearer pull them on and to the imagined feat of a lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one’s bootstraps. This impossible task is supposed to exemplify the achievement in getting out of a difficult situation by our own efforts

There are life circumstances that come along and leave us so weak, broken and devastated  we have no strength left to pull ourselves up or out. Our own efforts are dismantled and truthfully God never meant for us to rely solely on our own striving and limited human understanding in life. We are designed to depend on Him and each other. 

So what do we do when our bootstraps are broken? Who and what do we rely on when our inner resources are drained?

I’ve been told many times in the past months to ‘stay strong’, ‘be strong’. Not helpful. You can’t be strong when you’re not. It’s like asking someone with broken legs to walk on them. Anyone with logical thinking understands this is a crazy expectation. 

These are the times we are to be strong for each other, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,“ Galatians 6:2.

What is the law of Christ? Jesus made it clear before He went to the cross. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another,” John 13:34. 

Loving each other means there will be times we are called on to carry someone else when they are too weak, too devastated, to carry themselves (even Jesus needed help carrying the cross to Golgotha). 

It means we will need to cover another with our own faith in their time of lack. We step into their situation, however uncomfortable, not to advise, fix or offer theological cliches, scripture quoting or explanations for suffering, but just to be near, to hold up, to ‘weep with those that weep,’ We show up. We climb into the devastation. We stay for the duration.

We are all meant to be boot straps for one another. There may also be times when we need to be someone’s boots, never mind the straps! 

If someone near you is too broken to pull themselves up, pick them up and carry them. Transfuse some of your own presence, strength and faith to another for a while until they are back on their feet.

You never know when you’re own bootstraps might be broken and you’ll need someone to carry you.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another.” Romans 12:15-16

Get the Whole Story First

Proverbs 18:17 (NIV) “The first to present his case seems right, until another comes forward and questions him,” is a reminder to know all the facts before making a judgment.

facts copyIt’s easy in our high tech, sound bite, information age to see or hear a sixty second clip of something or someone and form an instant opinion.

A statement a well known pastor’s wife recently made has gone viral on social media and I admit to having heard it and immediately believing she’s fallen off  the doctrinal correctness wagon.

Maybe she has. I don’t really know. And that I don’t know is exactly my point.

As I’ve pondered on it the past few days, my heart has been convicted for making an uninformed conclusion. It’s possible that something she said before or after her statement better qualifies what she meant. A few seconds of video pulled out of the context of what she’s saying doesn’t give the whole picture.

Without having all the facts, I want to give her the benefit of a doubt, because it’s the right thing to do and because I want others to do that for me.

As a writer, I know the importance of using words wisely. As a pastor’s wife, I also know how quickly words can be scrutinized, misinterpreted and criticized, especially when taken out of context.

I’m not saying my fellow pastor’s wife is right or wrong in what she said, I just need to repent for my rapid judgment of her, based on a few seconds of YouTube video.

As Christ followers, I pray we (me included) will be wise enough to know the whole story before criticizing, passing verdicts and writing each other off.

It’s part of the thing Jesus said about the world knowing we are His, because of our love for one another.

John 13:35 “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

 

 

The Hunter and The Bear – a parable of miscommunication

hunter bear copyA Hunter and a Bear were walking through the woods when they came upon each other.

The Hunter was afraid.

He raised his rifle and shouted, “I want to have you for dinner!”

The Bear was afraid.

He reared up on his back legs and roared, “I want to have you for breakfast!”

The Hunter fired but missed, then both turned and ran away.

The Hunter went home and told his friends, “I tried to invite the Bear over for dinner, but he threatened to attack me.”

The Bear went home and told his friends, “I tried to invite The Hunter over for breakfast but he tried to shoot me.”

The Hunter and The Bear could have been friends, but they were not clear when they communicated their wishes to each other.

People don’t always say exactly what they mean and we don’t always hear exactly what they are trying to say.

Before taking offense, stay calm, ask questions, repeat what you think you heard, clarify and make sure you understand precisely what is being said.

Doing this may rescue a potentially great relationship or save one you already have.

~Miscommunication: the failure to communicate clearly~

Proverbs 12:18 “Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 18:13 “He who answers before listening-that is his folly and shame.”

Proverbs 21:23 “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”

 

Embracing Your Thorn

At Israel’s request for a king, Saul was appointed and anointed as their first, by the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 10).  When Samuel gathered the people together to confirm the new king, he couldn’t be found. God had to reveal to Samuel where Saul was and Samuel may have had doubts about God’s choice when he discovered the new king was hiding among the supplies. This man, though tall and handsome, had major confidence issues. 

Can you imagine a president of the United States so insecure that he hides in a White House closet on Inauguration Day and someone has to find and convince him to show up for the ceremony? That was Saul!

Fast forward five chapters and several years and we find Saul a very different man. He has now disobeyed God’s battle orders in several wars against neighboring nations, and has gone so far as to set up a monument to himself (1 Samuel 12:15). King Saul is so confidently full of himself, he actually believes he has done God a favor in his disobedience, and when he is confronted by Samuel, Saul is more worried about what the people will think (verse 30) than what he has done.

Centuries later, another Saul, highly educated and convinced of his own righteousness in Pharisee law, persecutes and kills those following the way of Jesus, who claims to be the Messiah, the Son of God. In the early days of the church, Saul, becomes a believer and is called to preach the Gospel after a dramatic and personal encounter with Jesus (Acts 9). Saul, renamed Paul, is given great revelation from God and becomes a man of incredible influence, an Apostle and a leader among leaders – traveling, establishing churches, speaking and writing. His revelations from God comprise a significant amount of the Bible’s New Testament. 

Paul was a very prideful man before his conversion.  It would have been easy for him to transfer this pride to the new authority and knowledge he was given, but to prevent him from becoming haughty and conceited, Paul admits, “lest I be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me,” something that continuously troubled and battered him. Scholars differ about what that thorn might have been, but Paul states clearly its purpose was to keep him humble, his feet firmly planted on solid ground, his heart continuously searched and surrendered before God (2 Corinthians 12:6-10).

There’s a huge lesson in the account of these two Sauls for those who are in leader roles. Abraham Lincoln said, “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Whether you lead a family, a classroom, a committee, a boardroom, a business, platoon, army, ministry, church, city, state or country – beware!  Pride and power NEVER mix.  

It’s easy to lose perspective in a place of authority, a few accolades and victories, several successes under our belt and we gradually forget our humble beginnings and what God has brought us from. We start building monuments to our self and our accomplishments, using position for selfish gain and putting power ahead of serving people. Sometimes it’s such a subtle slide we don’t even see it happening until we’ve gone too far. Always be on the alert for the danger of leader pride!

Paul pleaded with God for his “thorn” to be removed and God said no. If you are a leader and have a thorn in the flesh, some circumstance, trouble, irritation, frustration, that keeps you planted and rooted in the reality of who you are without Christ, be thankful for it! If you don’t…well…you might want to ask for one.

It could be the thing that saves your heart, life, reputation and the people you are called to help and serve.

Proverbs 3:34, James 4:6 “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 

Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself. ~Elie Wiesel~



Precious Moments

Even though I’ve never been one to attach to stuff or a collector of knick knack-y things, I’ve loved my friend’s Precious Moments nativity set since we first met in 1985. During the years Pat & Earl spent Christmas in Florida with us, she would pack it up and bring it along when they traveled. Not sure exactly what captivates me about it – it’s just cute – precious – as the name appropriately states. It also reminds me of her and the countless ‘precious moments‘ we’ve had together through the years.

After thirty Christmases with her precious nativity, my awesome friend decided to mail it to me this year. I was so surprised when I opened that box! When I called to thank her and ask why she gave it up, she told me that she has enjoyed it for many years and it would bring her more joy to know that I will now. That’s a great friend! Hope you have a few like that!

As I decorated our tree, I was inspired then, to put aside David’s favorite ornaments and give them to him and Clara; the Nutcracker soldier he loved as a boy, my Grandmother’s antique glass bell, Noel, a red bulb with a happy face, I painted for him when he was little to go with a story book by the same name that we read every Christmas, and several others. Time to pass on the memories to another generation. Someday David will tell the stories of those ornaments to their children as they decorate the tree.

It’s not about the stuff, it’s about the people – the people in your life who enrich it, add to it, bless it and make it worth putting up with the hard parts. I’m so grateful this holiday season for all the wonderful people God has sent my way and given me the privilege to love. Most of you know who you are :).

As we start another year, I just want to express thanks to all of you for blessing my journey through the years. Looking forward to making many more precious moments with you in the days ahead.

God’s abundant joy and blessings be yours and Happy New Year!!

When Friends Become Family


In 1985, while living in New Hampshire, we heard of a small church in a small town, south and slightly west of Portland, Maine, that needed a pastor. Mike was asked to fill the pulpit on rotating Sundays until this congregation could find someone permanent. The first Sunday we were there, a couple who attended the church invited us over for lunch. From that day until this, some twenty eight years later, Earl and Pat have impacted our lives in ways I would never imagine.
Like all of us, I’ve had innumerable acquaintances and friends over the years, but I’ve discovered that there are only a handful of folks in life that spark a connection that is both immediate and deep. From the moment you say, “Hello, my name is….” they are destined to be indelibly inscribed on your heart. This was the instantaneous bond that took place between Pat and I that Sunday, with no regard for the twenty years in age difference between us.
As circumstances would have it, we became pastor of that small church for a time and moved to Maine. Our friendship with Earl and Pat deepened and evolved past the norm. We became family, though we don’t share a drop of natural blood. Being part of God’s family, with the precious spirit of Christ coursing through our veins, while sharing life together made us family in every way possible.
By the time Earl retired from his trade and took up another occupation on Catalina Island, off the coast of California, we were moving back to New Hampshire. The miles between didn’t discourage us though.  There were many trips, criss-crossing to wherever we each happen to live at the moment; California, New Hampshire, back to Maine when they finally returned to New England and then to Florida following our move here.  After months or even a few years of separation, it was as if we had never been apart. We just picked up where we left off and expanded the bond of love even further.
Earl and Pat accepted and loved our oldest son, born with special needs and all the challenges that presented, without hesitation. Pat was with me when our second son was born and watched him come into the world. They gladly became substitute grandparents to our boys. Pat helped and encouraged me through years of struggling with severe rheumatoid arthritis, even while she was dealing with chronic illness herself. She was there for me when my mother passed away. We have carried each other through many sorrows, cried together, prayed together, laughed hysterically as often as possible and rejoiced together in times of joy and celebration.  
I write this on a plane, flying back home to Florida after visiting my beloved “family” in Maine. I am now the age Pat was when we first met and Earl and Pat are getting along in years. Pat has health issues that make it difficult for them to travel like they once did, but as the years pass, our love for one another remains immovable, solid, strong.
We are not given the option to select the family we are born into and even though we choose our friends, I believe God directs our steps and the details of our days. He ordains certain people to come along side and walk with us and they decide whether to remain in our lives or not. The few that stick it out through all our stuff are true jewels. Those who see and know us as we truly are, in our strengths, weaknesses, faults, failures, through the better and worse, and keep coming back, are the genuine treasures in life we all hope to find.  These rare gems outshine all others, just like the beautiful sea glass that my children used to uncover, hidden in billions of stones on our favorite Maine beach.
Pat has filled many roles in my life – as needed: friend, sister, mother, grandmother, counselor, comforter, caregiver; but most of all she is the true definition of family and because of her and Earl, I and my family have been blessed beyond measure.  At this moment, while I contemplate the mystery and delight of our long lasting friendship, I am aware that I am inept to adequately express my gratitude…..
So I just say, to my beloved friends, from the very depths of my heart……I love you and thank you for being my family.
 Proverbs 17:17 (The Message Bible) Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.