Once I processed and accepted the surprise and disappointment of Jon’s initial diagnosis, I determined to help him be the most amazing person who ever had Down syndrome.

 

I knew if I worked hard enough, fought long enough, my son would be The One to WOW the world. He would be almost ‘normal’ if not one hundred percent. He would have the life I imagined for him – acceptance, friends, a girlfriend (or maybe a wife!), his own apartment, a career and a car to drive to work.

 

He might not become a neurosurgeon or The President, but most ‘normal’ people weren’t, so I could live with that.

 

Working tirelessly from birth through high school and beyond, I fought for services in every available arena of mainstreaming and special education and was even instrumental in spearheading a few improvements.

We accessed infant early intervention, integrated preschool, behavior assessments, speech and occupational therapy, reading programs, Special Olympics and work training programs.

 

I never missed an IEP (Individual Education Plan) school meeting and even home schooled for several years, burning long hours into the night, researching new ways to help Jon excel at learning.

 

Helping my son hit a high level of ability became my project and I was obsessed.

My attempts to ‘fix him’ and fit him into the life my imagination had designed for him, often hindered my enjoying him as my child, especially in those early years. When my friend’s toddlers said their first word, sat up, walked and potty trained on schedule and Jon didn’t, I was defeated and miserable.

Obviously I wasn’t doing enough and the mommy guilt was all encompassing.

 

Now he’s an adult and none of my imagined scenarios for Jon’s life have come to pass, even after all my years of worry and hard work. Of course, we never figured autism would be added to the equation, yet, there’s no apartment, car, career, girlfriend and few friends.

 

There’s mostly just me and Jon.

 

Somewhere in the mix of my many years of ‘Jon education’ and church ministry, dealing with all types of people, I figured something out – it’s not my job to fix people – especially if my “fixing” is more about what I want than what they want or actually need.

 

This has been a hard lesson to learn.

 

Only God knows what comprises the heart of a person. It’s His job to correct. Mine is to surrender to His work both in myself and others. While God is lovingly trying to align me,  I’m so busy with my attempts to straighten everyone else out that I can’t begin to see my own need.

 

My responsibility is simply to love. If that love requires helping another improve in some way then so be it, but never should it be about someone fitting my perception of what that should look like or what I think they should become.

 

It’s not about my attempts to line everyone up around me to my liking. Enjoying people simply for who they are sets me free from seeing them as a project or burdening relationships with my selfish agenda.

 

Though I’m certain I have more to discover here, learning to love my son for exactly who he is, not who I hoped he’d be, and letting go of my foolish attempts to change and control others has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

 

I’ve been surprised by the realization that freedom can come in unforeseen and unexpected ways and letting go has brought more internal peace and joy than I ever thought possible.

 

Jon, what a wonderful teacher you are!

  

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

 

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:4

 

“So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” Romans 14:12 NIV