Category Archives: Changing Life

Who Am I ?

5D7B0A02-BF33-41D0-9831-40DB1222CB4EI’ve been Pastor Mike’s wife for many years. I no longer have a pastor husband and I’m no longer a wife.

You don’t realize how much of your identity is tied to your spouse until they’re gone.

Everything I thought I was changed in one day. I know who I am in Christ. That’s not the issue. I just don’t know who I am on this earth. Not without Mike. This isn’t a path I planned. The choice was made for me. It’s the beginning of a journey to discover my new ‘alone’ earth identity and everything within me is resisting this road I must travel.

There is so much loss this side of Heaven and earth life consists of constant change. But where there is great loss the potential for gain is greater.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19.

In this present wilderness, as I’m stripped of my former self, there’s no guarantee of what the future holds or what I will become. But God promises to make a way. He promises water in the wasteland and I want to trust the day will come when a ‘new thing’ springs up. I‘ll no longer be consumed by the past but will have hope for the future.

No Lord, I don’t see it! Or perceive it. Not now.

Don’t let me give up. Help me to keep moving forward.

“He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5.

I surrender it all to You. Trustworthy and True One.

Make me new.

Birthdays

I wrote this eight years ago when I turned fifty. In honor of my recent birthday and because my sister-in-law has requested it, I am posting it now.

Birthdays are celebrations that mark time, change, and the passing of years with swift regularity. 

I hit the ‘big 5.O’ on my last one and unlike some women, am happy to announce how many years I have managed to remain upright, breathing and relatively sane through all the ups and downs of my existence.

When I was very young, I remember thinking 50 sounded, well…almost dead, but now that I’m here it’s not so bad. 

I’ve survived childhood in a crazy (literally) family, many years of marriage to the same guy, being ‘the pastor’s wife’, raising two boys–one with developmental disability, thirteen years of home schooling, rheumatoid arthritis (since the age of 26), a flood, three hurricanes, a few close call tornadoes and a myriad of church going folks (sorry, but God’s family can be..hmm..let’s save that topic for another time!) and various other types of humanity.

It’s quite a resume and a lot to be thankful for.

My mind, still running with the enthusiasm of a twenty something, finds the number shocking, though the rest of me recognizes beyond a doubt, I’m undeniably 50! How did I arrive here so quickly? 

My husband, Mike, finds great joy in the fact that I turned fifty before him and absolutely loved it when the application for an AARP card came in the mail addressed to me.  He came up with eons of one-liners and witty jokes for days and weeks afterward.  But I remind him often that he’s not very far behind me and will hit that nice even number very soon.

David turned sixteen last month in the days following, took and passed his driving test.  When he pulled the old 1995 Acura we gave him out of the driveway and took off alone into the big wide world for the first time, I just stood in the window and watched him go, like a mother bird watching her little one jump off the edge of the nest to try out new wings. 

It was a strange sensation and I’m not sure there are words to describe what it was like watching that car disappear down the street and around the corner.  For now I’m glad that our “little bird” still returns to the nest whenever he and his new wings leave.

Jonathan’s birthday was yesterday and at twenty six, he is caught in a time warp. The years add up but, unlike his younger brother, he changes very little.  Occasionally I hear people say that they would like to return to the simplicity of being a kid again but Jon has never left. 

From my observation, there’s advantages and disadvantages to never growing up.  Like the Lost Boys in Peter Pan, Jon is often in a world of his own, one that doesn’t always mesh with the reality around him.  He can be joyously oblivious to the harshness of life, especially when it doesn’t directly affect him or be deeply frustrated when the real world presses in on him and becomes difficult to cope with or process.

This year, for reasons I can’t exactly define, my son’s birthdays made me sad and happy all at once.  Is it because they are at such opposite ends of a time spectrum as they age? One marking time with little growth, the other moving ahead so rapidly I can barely keep up?  Or is it that I’m just a sentimental, goofy, fifty year old, menopausal mom?  

There are moments I look forward to clocks, calendars and birthdays becoming non-essential items. In the meantime, I want to embrace every day as it comes, with the simplicity of Jon’s world and the exhilarating speed of David’s. 

At a half a century old, I’m still not sure I know how to do that, but by God’s grace I remain willing to learn.

Ephesians 5:15-17  Act like people with good sense and not like fools.  These are evil times, so make every minute count. Don’t be stupid. Instead, find out what the Lord wants you to do.

 

Messing With Us

Until Jesus arrived on the scene, the Israelites had been doing religion the same way for almost 1400 years, since the time of Moses.  After Jesus came, the Jewish Christ followers experienced a continuous state of surprise with just about every tradition, law, regulation, doctrine and theology they had known and lived. Jesus turned the way they believed; all their ceremonial and gotta’-do-it-this-way-every-time thinking, completely upside down. 

In the following passage in the Book of Acts, not only was the Gospel opened up to the Gentiles, but these ‘uncircumcised heathens’ also received the gift of the Holy Spirit immediately, the moment they believed in Jesus, then following, were baptized in water. 

I’m thinking God did that for Peter’s sake so he would be convinced the Good News wasn’t just for the him and the Jewish folk, but for all. Reading on to chapter eleven, we see that initially, the other apostles, leaders and believers back in Judea and Jerusalem had issue with the Gentile’s joining their Christ ‘club’. Throughout their nation’s long history, they were so accustomed to everything of God being about them, that it was difficult for them to let anyone else in.

Acts 10: 44-48 While Peter was still speaking these words, the Holy Spirit came on all who heard the message. The circumcised believers who had come with Peter were astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on Gentiles. For they heard them speaking in tongues and praising God. Then Peter said, “Surely no one can stand in the way of their being baptized with water. They have received the Holy Spirit just as we have.” So he ordered that they be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. 

In many church circles we like to think the order of a person’s faith in Christ has to follow a certain path: repent, be water baptized then filled with the Holy Spirit. We see from this account in Acts that’s not necessarily so. We Christian types like to ‘order’ so many of our beliefs and often hang a sign on the door of the building to announce them, so we can be set apart from (or above?) all the rest who don’t see it our way.  

How often do we miss something new and amazing God wants to do because we’re stuck in old patterns and a certain point of view? 

When God messes things up, it messes us up. We want to figure Him out, stuff everything He does into a construct so we can formulate it to work the same way every time, maintaining a spirituality that is comfy-cozy and doesn’t our rock our proverbial boat too much.

But we can’t slot God into an algebraic equation. He is GOD – Big, Powerful, Sovereign, Redemptive, Creative. He can do a thing one way today and come up with a zillion other unimaginable ways for it to happen (or not) the next time. 

I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been asking God to break down my “It has to be this way” mindset. I want to put aside preconceived ideas, boring, stuck-in-a-rut thinking and open my heart and mind to a God who is able to do and be, far more than I am able to imagine; allowing Him always to surprise me.

I’ve messed myself up plenty. If I’m going to be messed up, I want to be wrecked for Him, ’cause He’s the only one who knows how to mess me up properly and put me back together completely!

Are We There Yet?

A while ago I traveled from Florida to the northeast and back and in doing so came to a conclusion about myself, I love going places but I hate getting there. This is something I’ve known for a while but was reluctant to admit. I am not a good traveler by plane or car. Airports and planes annoy me and long car trips bore me. Ironically, I find it almost impossible to sleep in a plane but after driving for more than an hour I’m nodding off. Because I’m prone to motion sickness, there isn’t much I can do in a car that requires having my focus off the horizon for more than a few minutes at a time.

As I sat in the airport, waiting to board the plane and contemplating this introspection, I questioned whether this fault could also apply to my life. Am I headed for the destination without enjoying the journey? Sometimes I feel like the little kid in the backseat, asking in continuous five minute intervals, “Are we there yet?” 
I live in at a time when we have fast and easy access to most anything we want, even if we can’t afford it. Discontent and impatience run deep through our core. We want ‘it’ now and when ‘it’ finally comes we are soon bored or unhappy again and move on to the next big event or thing we think will bring happiness and satisfaction. When we are five we can’t wait to be 6. When we’re 13 we can’t wait to be 18. When we’re 18 we can’t wait to be 21. When we’re 50 we want to be 21 again.  We can’t wait for: the weekend, vacation, graduation, freedom from our parents, the new car, the next paycheck, that promotion, the next bonus, a new house, time off, the kids to grow up, grandchildren, retirement, or to: find our soul mate, get married, have a baby, get that awesome job, have more money and on and on….We waste so much time thinking, hoping and longing for what hasn’t happen yet that we miss whole blocks of enjoyment in the now.  “If only….then things would be good.”  When life becomes a fast forward video flashing from highlight to highlight, we miss out on much of what gives it meaning today.
Philippians 3:12-14 tells me that Paul ‘wasn’t there yet’. He was still in travel mode, pressing on toward the destination. There is a race, a journey, an adventure, we are all on and according to Mr. Paul the goal is this: I want to know Him [Jesus]. I want to have the same power in my life that raised Jesus from the dead. I want to understand and have a share in His sufferings and be like Christ in His death (verse 10 NLV). I agree. I want the power, the understanding, the answers, the miracles, goose bumps and fun stuff of life… but… the suffering?! The word ‘press’ in this passage comes from two Greek verbs that mean to pursue and to persecute or suffer. Either Paul is crazy or he knows something I’m still in the process of figuring out.
I ‘m convinced, since Paul writes a good portion of the New Testament from prison, he understands that we don’t arrive at our destination quickly or easily. It involves a lifetime of travel with many potholes and detours along the way. He tells the church in verse sixteen, so let us keep on obeying the same truth we have already been following. In other words just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Not very exciting is it? Continue on, plod on, one step at a time, one day at a time, pressing on and on and on…. 

I remember as a young wife and new mom, reading Proverbs 31, the one that lists the endless virtues of a Biblical superwoman. Incompetency and inadequacy overwhelmed me when comparing my efforts to hers. I mentioned my feelings to an older and wiser friend and her reply put me at ease. “Diane,” she said,” the Proverbs 31 woman didn’t do all those things in a day; she did them over a lifetime.” 

Life is a process and it is important to be fully aware and present in all of it, the highlights, the victories, the mundane and difficult; all of it matters. All of it is opportunity for change, growth and forward motion. Instead of rushing from one mountain top experience to the next I’m slowly discovering the value of the valley.

When I travel now, I practice being patient and tolerant, mostly out of necessity and in spite of my dislike of security lines, airplanes or long, boring car rides. Being frustrated and miserable has no value for me or anyone around me and subtracts from the eventual pleasure and purpose of my destination. The same is true for this journey through life. With Jesus as my travel companion, I don’t need to keep asking, ‘’Are we there yet?’’ If I take His hand and keep pressing forward, He will see to it that I arrive at my proper destination, both on time and greatly improved over where our trip began.
Philippians 1:6 … being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.


Lessons from My Garden-Embracing Change

When we moved from New England to Florida, I was astounded at the difficulties I encountered  gardening. I assumed the Sunshine State, the place where it doesn’t snow and temperatures rarely fall below freezing would be a gardener’s paradise, but when I tried to follow my northern habit of a summer vegetable garden, I was discouraged to the point of giving up.  
 
Because gardening was so different here, from the other places we have lived, I began consulting knowledgeable sources to enlighten me. I was determined to learn. My first surprise was the realization that it is pointless to plant in the summer months. Tropical plants thrive then, but typical vegetable plants that go into a northern garden can’t survive the harsh conditions of this sub-tropical season; it is too hot, humid and buggy.
 
I quickly learned that sand is the soil of Florida and nothing but native plants grow well in it, all soil has to be amended for planting flowers or vegetables. For that reason, the easiest way to grow a veggie garden is in raised beds or containers. I also discovered that pests and plant disease are multiplied by the year-round mild climate. Without a long season of winter freeze to kill off major populations of pests, they survive and replenish to destroy a vegetable garden in short order.  
 
Once I figured out what works, gardening became easy and fun. To my delight, there are two growing seasons, fall and early spring. Fall vegetable gardens are planted September through early October and can be replanted in mid-February through mid-March after the danger of January’s few frost and freezing nights are past. Having two crops a year doubles the joy. 
 
There are times and seasons when it is necessary to let go of the old way of doing a thing and try something new. We often balk at change, but someone has defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Wisdom to know when to hang on to something or let it go is a struggle we all face. If my relationships, my mind, health, spirit or any area of life seems withered and wilted or non-productive it is worthwhile to consider that my attitude, behavior, approach or strategy needs to be altered. 
 
Is it time to let go and try something new? Go to Jesus, the source of life, and become a student of the One who created you. Spend time with Him and learn of Him (Matthew 11:29). The Master Gardener of the human heart knows exactly what is needed to cause the garden of your life to bloom; all you need to do is ask.

James 1:5 (NLV) If you do not have wisdom, ask God for it. He is always ready to give it to you and will never say you are wrong for asking. 

Patience


People tell me I’m a very patient person. They think I was born that way because they don’t know what I’ve been through to get here.
I woke Jon up today at 8:30 am with a hope of making it to his program by Noon-ish. At 2 pm he moseyed out of his room and got in the car. So much for that! Since he was already in the car, I decided we were hungry so I brought him to a local sports grill/deli we like, got out of the car and took a seat at a patio table outside the establishment to wait for him to join me. This is what Jon did after I left the car (I actually timed all of this, for something to do):
12 minutes –  Sat inside the car.
3 minutes –  Stayed in the car after he finally opened the door.
8 minutes –  Stood next to the car looking around, staring at the ground, doing ?????, just standing there! He finally closed the door. I locked the door with my remote.
4 minutes – Fooled with door handle. Punched numbers into an “imaginary” keypad on the door, used some gadget from his pocket as a “remote” to pretend he was locking or unlocking the door.
2 minutes – Stood by the car some more.
2 minutes – Stood on the grass median that divides the parking lot from the driving lane.
1 minute – Walked across driving lane to restaurant. Thank goodness no one ran over him!
2 minutes – Stood outside the restaurant door.
I stood up, opened the door and waited for him to go through. He stopped in the doorway so I booted him inside. That was at 3:15 pm and we’re still here. It is now 7:00 pm and all he has eaten is French fries and half a slider.
So here are my options: go stark raving crazy or learn patience? Most of the time I opt for the latter!
Anybody need more patience? Will let you borrow Jon for as long as needed….Anyone? Please??
Philippians 4:11 I have learned [am learning-help me Jesus!] how to be content in any circumstance

Appropriate Words

Well, family, friends and future readers – here I am at last. 

Many of you have been telling me that I need to do this, create a place where I can share the thoughts I write with a larger audience. I’ve been reluctant for a long time, but won’t put it off any longer.

Writing is very personal for me. A way to process then release all the parts of life that bring reflection, learning, growth, laughter, tears, worry, doubt, difficulty and despair. I guess you could call it my therapy, a spa for my heart, soul and mind.  

Words are powerful and cannot be retrieved once released. There is certainly an unlimited supply of them floating around in cyberspace so I ask myself, do we need more? Does anyone really need mine? It’s one thing to write for yourself, entirely another to throw your deepest thoughts out there for the world to ponder and analyze.  My hope is to be an encouragement and proclaim Jesus as central to all of life. His mercy, grace and love is the best and only solution to every possible detail of the human condition.

Proverbs 25:11(CEV) states, The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. I pray the words expressed here deliver some level of peace, comfort, grace and joy to the reader; and though you may not agree on every point, my hope is that something communicated will be the right word at the right time just for you.