Category Archives: Miscellaneous

Lessons from My Garden-Embracing Change

When we moved from New England to Florida, I was astounded at the difficulties I encountered  gardening. I assumed the Sunshine State, the place where it doesn’t snow and temperatures rarely fall below freezing would be a gardener’s paradise, but when I tried to follow my northern habit of a summer vegetable garden, I was discouraged to the point of giving up.  

Because gardening was so different here, from the other places we have lived, I began consulting knowledgeable sources to enlighten me. I was determined to learn. My first surprise was the realization that it is pointless to plant in the summer months. Tropical plants thrive then, but typical vegetable plants that go into a northern garden can’t survive the harsh conditions of this sub-tropical season; it is too hot, humid and buggy.

I quickly learned that sand is the soil of Florida and nothing but native plants grow well in it, all soil has to be amended for planting flowers or vegetables. For that reason, the easiest way to grow a veggie garden is in raised beds or containers. I also discovered that pests and plant disease are multiplied by the year-round mild climate. Without a long season of winter freeze to kill off major populations of pests, they survive and replenish to destroy a vegetable garden in short order.  

Once I figured out what works, gardening became easy and fun. To my delight, there are two growing seasons, fall and early spring. Fall vegetable gardens are planted September through early October and can be replanted in mid-February through mid-March after the danger of January’s few frost and freezing nights are past. Having two crops a year doubles the joy. 

There are times and seasons when it is necessary to let go of the old way of doing a thing and try something new. We often balk at change, but someone has defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Wisdom to know when to hang on to something or let it go is a struggle we all face. If my relationships, my mind, health, spirit or any area of life seems withered and wilted or non-productive it is worthwhile to consider that my attitude, behavior, approach or strategy needs to be altered. 

Is it time to let go and try something new? Go to Jesus, the source of life, and become a student of the One who created you. Spend time with Him and learn of Him (Matthew 11:29). The Master Gardener of the human heart knows exactly what is needed to cause the garden of your life to bloom; all you need to do is ask.

James 1:5 (NLV) If you do not have wisdom, ask God for it. He is always ready to give it to you and will never say you are wrong for asking. 

Patience


People tell me I’m a very patient person. They think I was born that way because they don’t know what I’ve been through to get here.
I woke Jon up today at 8:30 am with a hope of making it to his program by Noon-ish. At 2 pm he moseyed out of his room and got in the car. So much for that! Since he was already in the car, I decided we were hungry so I brought him to a local sports grill/deli we like, got out of the car and took a seat at a patio table outside the establishment to wait for him to join me. This is what Jon did after I left the car (I actually timed all of this, for something to do):
12 minutes –  Sat inside the car. 
3 minutes –  Stayed in the car after he finally opened the door. 
8 minutes –  Stood next to the car looking around, staring at the ground, doing ?????, just standing there! He finally closed the door. I locked the door with my remote.
4 minutes – Fooled with door handle. Punched numbers into an “imaginary” keypad on the door, used some gadget from his pocket as a “remote” to pretend he was locking or unlocking the door.
2 minutes – Stood by the car some more.
2 minutes – Stood on the grass median that divides the parking lot from the driving lane.
1 minute – Walked across driving lane to restaurant. Thank goodness no one ran over him!
2 minutes – Stood outside the restaurant door.
I stood up, opened the door and waited for him to go through. He stopped in the doorway so I booted him inside. That was at 3:15 pm and we’re still here. It is now 7:00 pm and all he has eaten is French fries and half a slider.
So here are my options: go stark raving crazy or learn patience? Most of the time I opt for the latter! 
Anybody need more patience? Will let you borrow Jon for as long as needed….Anyone? Please??
Philippians 4:11 I have learned [am learning-help me Jesus!] how to be content in any circumstance

When Friends Become Family


In 1985, while living in New Hampshire, we heard of a small church in a small town, south and slightly west of Portland, Maine, that needed a pastor. Mike was asked to fill the pulpit on rotating Sundays until this congregation could find someone permanent. The first Sunday we were there, a couple who attended the church invited us over for lunch. From that day until this, some twenty eight years later, Earl and Pat have impacted our lives in ways I would never imagine.
Like all of us, I’ve had innumerable acquaintances and friends over the years, but I’ve discovered that there are only a handful of folks in life that spark a connection that is both immediate and deep. From the moment you say, “Hello, my name is….” they are destined to be indelibly inscribed on your heart. This was the instantaneous bond that took place between Pat and I that Sunday, with no regard for the twenty years in age difference between us.
As circumstances would have it, we became pastor of that small church for a time and moved to Maine. Our friendship with Earl and Pat deepened and evolved past the norm. We became family, though we don’t share a drop of natural blood. Being part of God’s family, with the precious spirit of Christ coursing through our veins, while sharing life together made us family in every way possible.
By the time Earl retired from his trade and took up another occupation on Catalina Island, off the coast of California, we were moving back to New Hampshire. The miles between didn’t discourage us though.  There were many trips, criss-crossing to wherever we each happen to live at the moment; California, New Hampshire, back to Maine when they finally returned to New England and then to Florida following our move here.  After months or even a few years of separation, it was as if we had never been apart. We just picked up where we left off and expanded the bond of love even further.
Earl and Pat accepted and loved our oldest son, born with special needs and all the challenges that presented, without hesitation. Pat was with me when our second son was born and watched him come into the world. They gladly became substitute grandparents to our boys. Pat helped and encouraged me through years of struggling with severe rheumatoid arthritis, even while she was dealing with chronic illness herself. She was there for me when my mother passed away. We have carried each other through many sorrows, cried together, prayed together, laughed hysterically as often as possible and rejoiced together in times of joy and celebration.  
I write this on a plane, flying back home to Florida after visiting my beloved “family” in Maine. I am now the age Pat was when we first met and Earl and Pat are getting along in years. Pat has health issues that make it difficult for them to travel like they once did, but as the years pass, our love for one another remains immovable, solid, strong.
We are not given the option to select the family we are born into and even though we choose our friends, I believe God directs our steps and the details of our days. He ordains certain people to come along side and walk with us and they decide whether to remain in our lives or not. The few that stick it out through all our stuff are true jewels. Those who see and know us as we truly are, in our strengths, weaknesses, faults, failures, through the better and worse, and keep coming back, are the genuine treasures in life we all hope to find.  These rare gems outshine all others, just like the beautiful sea glass that my children used to uncover, hidden in billions of stones on our favorite Maine beach.
Pat has filled many roles in my life – as needed: friend, sister, mother, grandmother, counselor, comforter, caregiver; but most of all she is the true definition of family and because of her and Earl, I and my family have been blessed beyond measure.  At this moment, while I contemplate the mystery and delight of our long lasting friendship, I am aware that I am inept to adequately express my gratitude…..
So I just say, to my beloved friends, from the very depths of my heart……I love you and thank you for being my family.
 Proverbs 17:17 (The Message Bible) Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.

True Face


We need to leave the house by 10:20 am to arrive at Jonathan’s day program by 11 am.  On this particular day, two and a half hours prior to our departure time,  I gave him the shaver I keep in my bathroom (it’s never charged if he’s responsible for it) and asked him to please remove several days of stubble from his face,  change his clothes and put shoes on. At 10:40 am he was standing in the garage with his clean shirt in hand instead of on his person and shoes and socks on the floor instead of on his feet, writing on an empty cardboard box. Despite frequent reminders from me, he was still moving at his usual snail pace.
I rushed through the garage on the way to the car. “We need to leave-now! We’re already very late, Jon.  You can finish getting dressed in the car on the way.”
He frowned then plodded to the car in his bare feet, tossed the shirt, shoes and socks on the floor. We were going to be late and once again I was flustered and frustrated.
During the first few miles, I attempted to calm myself by repeatedly mumbling, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,” mingled with random directives to Jon to change his shirt and put on his shoes. When we stopped for a traffic light, I glanced at him and realized he had shaved. Awesomeness! He got one out of three right and in the craziness that usually surrounds getting him out the door that was a small victory, one that was important to acknowledge.
“Good job shaving dude, now you need to finish getting dressed, pl-l-l-e-e-e-ase” I emphasized the word ‘please’ attempting to pressure him with a bit of urgency. The effects of reciting Philippians 4: 13 and the worship music coming from the radio station, was calming. I felt peace returning to my mind and emotions. We finally arrived at our destination with Jon fully dressed and decent for public viewing, at least I thought so. 
I parked the car and Jon began to gather his things. Since I needed to walk him around the side of the building to the front door, I got out and waited in a patch of shade at the corner. He finally removed himself from the car, shut the door and ambled toward me. As he came closer, I realized his face looked odd, as if one side was dirty. Not until he was directly in front of me, did I see that he had shaved only the left side of his face, the side visible to me while driving.
The program director came around the corner of the building just as I exclaimed, “Oh my gosh Jon, you only shaved half your face?!  Now you’re going to look like that all day!”  
The director looked from me to Jon and chuckled, unfazed. It’s certain that nothing surprises him after years of working with the developmentally disabled population. “Come on Jon,” he said, “You made it in time for lunch today, we’re having tacos. You like tacos?’’ 
He directed Jon toward the door and waved me away, a gesture that meant, ‘It’s fine Mom, you can leave now’.
”He’s all yours, “I waved back at him, “half hairy face and all.” 
As I left the parking lot, I thought about my partially shaved son, so random and such a mystery to me at times. But most of the people he was spending the afternoon with probably wouldn’t notice his partially shaved face and it obviously didn’t matter to him. He puts little importance on other people’s acceptance or expectations of him. There is no ability for pretense or façade in him. With Jon, what you see is exactly what you get.  
By the time I was a few miles down the road I realized that some of Jon’s behaviors that are most annoying at their occurrence,  often become teachable moments for my heart. This was another of those. During our drive I only saw the smooth side of Jon’s face and assumed he had completely shaved. Even though he wasn’t trying to hide that from me, my perception was still wrong. So I began to wonder–what perceptions do I have of others and portray to others?  Which side of my face do I allow to be seen? Am I true faced or fake, hiding behind a mask of insincerity?  Do I immediately construct critical judgments of others based on appearance and behavior that is outwardly visible without having all the facts or an understanding of their experiences and history?
We are experts at showing the side of ourselves we want others to see. Jesus zeroed in on this flaw of human nature and addressed it at length in Matthew 23. He was especially bothered by those who were skilled at going through the outward motions of religious regulation and tradition, putting on superficial displays that did not match the content of the heart. In verse 27 and 28, he tells the religious leaders, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.  Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.’’
We might be able to fool people but we can’t hide anything from God. Man has tried since that day in the garden when God asked Adam the question, “Where are you?” It was Adam who needed to know who he had become, not God. God is not looking for perfect people but those who come to Him in humility and truth. Truth includes the ability to be honest before Him, not because He needs to know what is in us, but because we do. Being honest and open with Him about our condition sets us free to be real with others and accepting of them as well.
I picked Jon up a few hours later. We went to the library and stopped at Wendy’s for dinner. Everywhere we went people stared at his face. When it was time to leave the restaurant Jon packed up his leftover food and headed for the door but as soon as he reached it, quickly turned left and made a detour down the hallway to the men’s room. It had been a long day and I was more than ready to go home. I sighed and flopped down in the booth closest to the restrooms and opened the book I had brought along to read while I waited for him to return. 
Ten minutes later Jon came up from behind and stood completely still beside me. He slowly reached into his pocket, pulled out the shaver and handed it to me. Puzzled, I looked up at him and saw that his face was completely shaven!  
“Lord have mercy, Jon.” I took the shaver from him, “You went through this entire day with half a hairy face and you had this in your pocket the whole time? ” 
He smiled at me and his eyes sparkled with a hint of mischief. 
I shoved the shaver in my book bag and smiled back. “Come on True Face, let’s go home”
He gave me a perplexed look, turned to the door and headed out to the car. I followed behind, shaking my head in amazement at the puzzle that is my son, and how often he and God gang up on me to teach my heart the important stuff of life I need to know.

Food Fight


Jonathan attends an adult day program on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Since it is a forty minute drive and I’m the main source of transportation, those are the only days I can devote to getting him there, for now. After I pick him up at 3 pm, we usually make a night of it since we’re already out. I take him to the library to load up on free DVDs, to the movies, or bowling, to the Dollar Store or Wal-Mart to snoop around or anything else he might want to do. Often we go eat dinner someplace.
You must understand that going out with Jon requires clearing your schedule for the entire day, until midnight, and psyching yourself up for truck loads of patience. He is snail slow…no, make that snails-in-reverse slow. The Pony Express moving mail across country in the beginning of our nation’s history went faster in two weeks than Jon does in an hour. (The only time he is fast is when he wanders off. In seconds, he can vanish into thin air-but that’s another topic).
Yesterday I retrieved Jon from the program at 3 pm, when it ends, and took him to a scheduled doctor appointment (annual checkup) at 3:40. When we got back in the car I asked him where he wanted to go. He ripped out a coupon from a booklet he found in the car, for a local buffet, and handed it to me. The restaurant was just up the road so we headed there. It was 5 pm.
Jon loves buffet! Who doesn’t? The vision of counter after counter of delicacies displayed for the taking makes most folks I know salivate with happiness. For the price of two Starbucks’ lattes or less you can eat yourself to death. For Jon, part of the fun is about having choices. So many choices are made for him, but here he is king of his universe! He shuffles slowly around the food tables looking intently at each item and can waste forty five minutes filling up his first round. 
On the door, I noticed the closing hour of 8 pm as we were entering the restaurant and realized instantly this could be trouble. Three hours is not long enough for Jon to do buffet. It takes him longer than that to go back for seconds. It was too late to reverse the decision. Jon was already heading for the clean stack of plates. Deal with him melting down now or possibly later? Hmmm? Quick decision made-I opted for later.
I finished eating in forty minutes, returning once to refill my plate. The entire time Jon was still wandering up and down the aisles between the food counters trying to decide what he wanted. He spent another fifteen minutes at the help yourself drink counter and finally sauntered back to our booth with a plate in each hand piled high in the middle and all the way to the edges with chow; then went back to retrieve the drink he had poured. It was 6:15.
I decided it might be prudent to warn Jon ahead of time about the early closing hour, although I had a feeling that wouldn’t matter. Every half hour or so I mentioned it. “You better eat faster Jon, they close early here,” or “You better go back up and get more food now if you want it because they close at eight.” Every time I brought it up he scowled at me. Not a good sign.
At 7:50 pm, Jon was still up to his eyeballs in two full plates. He had gone back to refill one of his plates and hadn’t made it to the dessert counter yet. I walked across the room to the young man who had been collecting plates and cleaning tables all evening, and asked him for a to-go box. “We don’t do to-go boxes here, “he replied.
“Yes, I know. Most buffets don’t,” I shot him a look of desperation, “but there’s no way you’re going to get that food away from him and he won’t leave without it.” I pointed at Jon across the room.
The young man thought for a few seconds, “Let me go ask the manager if it’s ok, given the circumstance.” He returned a few minutes later with an empty styrofoam container and I thanked him profusely. When Jon spotted me heading back to the booth with the container, he grabbed his plate and hid it on his lap under the table. Oh boy, this isn’t going to go well.
 
I tried everything I knew to get him to put his food in that box. No way. He wanted to stay there and eat it all and all attempts to get it away from him was going to end with it upside down on the floor, if I wasn’t careful. I saw the kitchen employees clearing the food counters and washing them down. Then the lights started going out until I heard one of the employees shout, “Hey, we still got customers over there in the corner!”” It was 8:15.
I won’t bore you with more details of removing Jon and his dinner from the closed restaurant. Let me just say that there were six restaurant workers including the manager and of course me pleading, begging, bribing and cajoling. What did the trick was this mother finally getting annoyed enough to climb over the back of the booth bench, plunking down next to Jon and shoving his one hundred and forty pound body out of the seat with my derriere! It was 8:30 pm. 
Years ago one of Jon’s funny little sayings (that he picked up from a movie I think) was, “Sometimes it’s good to have a big butt.” Last night he wasn’t thinking it was so good that Mom has a big one.
May I politely ask this of you? If you ever come upon a parent or caregiver trying to deal with an obstinate developmentally disabled person don’t be quick to judge what you see, especially if you just happened upon the scene and weren’t there to view the whole incident. We love our kids and don’t abuse them, but there are times when different measures are required to break through that wall of stubbornness and resistance they can challenge us with. Most of us are just trying to do what’s best for them while maintaining our own sanity. Sometimes that’s a tough scale to balance.
A new Jon rule to add to my list; next time we go to a buffet, check what time they close BEFORE we get out of the car!

Appropriate Words

Well, family, friends and future readers – here I am at last. 

Many of you have been telling me that I need to do this, create a place where I can share the thoughts I write with a larger audience. I’ve been reluctant for a long time, but won’t put it off any longer.

Writing is very personal for me. A way to process then release all the parts of life that bring reflection, learning, growth, laughter, tears, worry, doubt, difficulty and despair. I guess you could call it my therapy, a spa for my heart, soul and mind.  

Words are powerful and cannot be retrieved once released. There is certainly an unlimited supply of them floating around in cyberspace so I ask myself, do we need more? Does anyone really need mine? It’s one thing to write for yourself, entirely another to throw your deepest thoughts out there for the world to ponder and analyze.  My hope is to be an encouragement and proclaim Jesus as central to all of life. His mercy, grace and love is the best and only solution to every possible detail of the human condition.

Proverbs 25:11(CEV) states, The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. I pray the words expressed here deliver some level of peace, comfort, grace and joy to the reader; and though you may not agree on every point, my hope is that something communicated will be the right word at the right time just for you.