It took about three weeks of random days, doing a section at a time, but I finally finished pressure washing the pool deck today.

As I was pulling the weeds that grow between the pavers with pliers, because my arthritis crippled fingers aren’t strong enough to grasp them, I was thinking about how adaptable humans are. How we endure and adjust to life’s difficult twists and turns. The Serenity Prayer has been quoted for a long time: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”

I‘ve had to adapt to many difficult challenges through the years and realize of late, that I have always had a problem with the acceptance line of this quote. I‘ve never been good at accepting what I can’t change because I’m not sure I should. To me acceptance means giving up, giving in to a thing and allowing it to rule, and I see little in scripture or history where that has ever been a good idea.

My first son was born with a genetic disability, and while I accept and love HIM for who HE is, I have never fully accepted the imitations disability has placed on him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done everything possible to help him reach his full potential through the years. Have I adapted to how his disability affects him, me and our family? Yes, and continue to adjust daily. But I have never rejoiced that my son has not been able to live his life the way others do. I have never stopped grieving in the depths of my being that he still needs continual supervision as an adult.

I know in my heart God’s original creation was never meant to be this way, so complete acceptance still alludes me. All the ways I’ve adapted to having a crippling chronic illness, beginning in my mid-twenties, are too many to list here. Pulling weeds with pliers is just one of hundreds. Learning to eat properly to reduce inflammation in my body is another. Acceptance means I would give up. Lay in my bed, drink soda pop and eat donuts, howling in pain, expecting others to do everything for me.

There are times when we need others to do for us, but ‘the wisdom to know the difference’ is part of adjusting to our situation. I can never accept coming home from grocery shopping to find the man I loved for forty three years, dead. Just like that. Gone. No. Never. Because I know physical separation, death in this life, was never God’s intention from the beginning. Death was chosen and since then, we all live with the physical consequences of this choice. So after a lifetime of marriage, I’m at a new level of adaptation. Learning how to be single. How to be alone. How to get things done that are hard for me to do. So many of the tasks Mike did are now mine and I’m slowly adjusting to all these new responsibilities; knowing when I should and who I can call for help, who I can trust and when I can do a thing myself.

I‘m certain I‘m making mistakes, bumbling along, asking for wisdom, help and endurance to figure it all out but I also understand I have to be patient, even with myself. I’ve been dropped suddenly into new territory, without a map or GPS, and this journey requires a steep learning curve.

As humans we grieve all our losses. Some impact us so deeply, that we never think of them without feeling that sludge hammer of sorrow to the heart and it is a huge misinterpretation of scripture to believe God asks us to deny this reality. What He wants is to be invited into it. To meet us there. To walk with us in and through.

So while I will not blindly accept any of these things that were never His original intention, neither will I pretend they don’t exist. I meet them head on with HIS strength and guidance. I have little of my own. Many days are exhausting and difficult, but I must not, cannot, settle into acceptance. I must keep trying. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep enduring.

By Father’s great grace I adjust. Adapt. Pull weeds with pliers and keep going.

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I admit, I‘ve run out of words.

Well, ‘run out’ might not be the exact terminology. Words still exist, but they are a continuous whirlwind of thoughts, crashing into each other and shattering in uselessness to the bottom of my brain.

I‘ve been asked, why I‘m not writing and posting regularly like I was. When you can’t make sense of anything, expression can be difficult. Everything I once thought I knew, believed, subscribed to, seems trivial and irrelevant. All the knowing-of-things I once held dear, is nothing but the fluff of a spent dandelion blowing in a tornado.

I need to drown out the noise of this world, the constant chatter both past and present, ricocheting off the walls of my heart and mind. So many words and ideas others have spoken into me since childhood. Piled deep and high. I’ve been stripped inside to the nakedness of my soul and exhausted by years of ideas, opinions and dogmas I have heard and still hear.

Confession time? Complete honesty? All my cards laid out on the table? I‘m too tired to figure it out anymore. Too broken to put me back together. I‘ve reached the end of myself and I don’t care how unspiritual it looks. The mask is off. I can’t fake it ‘til I make it. Can’t stomach the cliches and pat answers I always thought were truth.

I am asking God to help me understand Him in ways I never have before. I am begging my Father to reveal Himself to me. Not from the interpretation of others. And not from my own contrived misconceptions of who He is. But for Himself.

What about Him do I not know? What about Him do I not understand? If I’m going to move forward from here I desperately need to hear His voice and understand His heart. For me. There’s little to say right now. I must be still and learn to know He Is God.

I‘m like Mary, who after the angel appeared to tell her she would bear God’s Son in human flesh, pondered all these things in her heart.

Or Job, who after striving with so much sorrow before his Creator, put his hand over his mouth and shut-up, realizing he had spoken things without knowledge, from the limits of human reasoning.

Or Paul, who considered everything he had ever accomplished prior to knowing Christ, the power of His resurrection and fellowship of His suffering, nothing but garbage. Manure. Useless.

The encouraging news in the dark night of my soul is this; even the dandelion, that blooms, withers and blows away, is rooted in solid ground and when the winter is over, lives again. Even the garbage heap can be recycled into new usefulness. Even the manure pile is tilled back into the earth to enrich a new harvest. In the fullness of time and the proper season of renewal, all can be restored.

So in this season, I exist on what I still know that I know to be true. God is good. He is faithful. He does not abandon. And He loves me. At present little else matters to me.

It is all the words I have. And it is enough.

For now.  

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I Am God.”

Luke 2:19 “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.”

Job 40:4-5 “I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further.”

Job 42:3 “I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

Philippians 3:8-10 “ Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.”

Lamentations 3:22-24 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

Matthew 28:20 “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”

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Job 23:2 “My complaint is bitter again today. I try hard to control my sighing.”

I’ve read the book of Job many times through the years, but reading it with a grieving heart is eye opening. I completely relate to all the raw, brutal emotion, the questioning, flailing and anxiety of humanity displayed there; a cacophony of thoughts and words flowing from a broken heart. Tossing, turning, struggling with answers to a deluge of why questions.

 I admit to finding consolation in the story of Job, since some of his experience is also mine. I am not unlike him. Desperate prayers and pleas erupt from a mind, that is often a tornado of chaotic thoughts. Fear, insecurity and desperation leer in the background of my days. The battle is real.

 In his suffering, Job exhausts himself further, trying to reach God, trying to understand why he has been targeted for such loss and pain. We don’t know how long it took Job to reach the other side of his grief. The story is read in forty two chapters so we assume it’s short, but I doubt that, because grief never is. Could have been months, even years.

What I do know is, though he never seemed to find the answers he was searching for, in the end he found a clearer revelation of God. Job finally tells God, “You asked why I talk so much when I know so little. I have talked about things that are far beyond my understanding. You told me to listen and answer your questions. I heard about you from others but now I have seen you with my own eyes,” Job 42:2-5.

Grief and loss have a way of knocking the props out from under us, forcing us to re-prioritize, re-think, re-evaluate everything we thought we believed. I pray I eventually emerge on the other side of this season with a broader sense of how great God is and how deeply He loves, especially when nothing makes sense.

‘Well, you were a pastor’s wife, you should already know such things,’ some may think. No. Regardless of expectations or ‘titles’, my limited lens on life and it’s purpose will never measure up to God’s panoramic view.

Relationships are in a continuous tension between struggle and growth. God created us for relationship. In the pleasant and hard places, God longs to be up close and personal. He only waits for the invitation that my hurting heart delivers.

I want to be able to say with Job, “In all my days up until this, I had ‘heard about you from others but now I have seen you with my own eyes.’

He can still be trusted. He is still worthy to be known.”

In my struggle, let me SEE you, Lord.

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I was barely twenty years old when Mike and I married on August 23, 1975. I confess now, though I didn’t think so then, I knew nothing of love. I was ‘in love’, but was unaware of the truth that love was not much in me. Love was all feeling. All desire. And so much about my personal happiness. Of course, I wanted to please Mike, make him happy and keep our love alive and growing, but I had no clue how the melding of two entirely different souls would forge and shape us. I had no idea the process would continuously be both marvelous and difficult, until our last breath. Over many years of marriage, I have failed all of love’s definitions. Every. Single. One. And have often prevailed in love’s opposites. After all this time, I have yet to perfect even one of these: Love is patient. Selfishness demands, “Now!” Love is kind. Selfishness retaliates. Love does not envy. Selfishness is discontent. Love does not boast. Selfishness demands recognition and approval. Love is not arrogant. Selfishness doesn't admit, “I am wrong.” Love is not rude. Selfishness must have the last word. Love does not insist on its own way. Selfishness says, “My way or the highway”. Love is not irritable. Selfishness has many moods. Love is not resentful. Selfishness is bitter and accusatory. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing. Selfishness retaliates. Love rejoices with the truth. Selfishness hides in lies. Love bears all things. Selfishness says, “I’ve had enough. I’m done!” Love believes all things. Selfishness cancels faith. Love hopes all things. Selfishness feasts on distrust and fear. Love endures all things. Selfishness builds walls of protection. Love never fails. Selfishness gives up and walks away. One year followed another and as time moved forward, my selfish heart awakened to the idea that love isn’t all about me. And the perception that I, in my own strength and by my human effort, could love as God loves, completely and unconditionally, is now banished. I desperately need His grace and help here. I am a work in progress. Always. Forty two years ago, two imperfect people merged to begin a journey of growth and improvement. Iron is sharpening iron and two are still becoming one, as we continue to practice what love should be. I have deep gratitude for my husband who steadfastly forgives and doesn’t give up on me, though my love has often failed. At this point, I think we understand a bit better, “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” I pray a year from today, I’ll fail less at this love thing as our Love Never Fails learning continues. From~1 Corinthians 13:4-8 & 13 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.” Mark 10:7-8 “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

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I have a revelation about resolutions. I'm not good at keeping them. And after watching sixty-some New Years come and go, I don't make them anymore. I also have a resolution about revelations. IF I spend time listening to the still, small voice of my Heavenly Father, He lovingly reveals areas in my life where I need to change. I can tackle problem areas with greater ease when He enlightens. I move forward in divine grace, instead of by the sheer determination of my limited human effort. The Creator God of Heaven and Earth and Me, knows what I need better than anyone so I can move forward into the New Year with confidence. For the One.."who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5 No one is more interested and invested in our progress and improvement than God. As we walk in His enabling power, we are continually becoming new and renewed. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17 God specializes in New! He specializes in You! Start a personal revolution. Let His Revelation become your Resolution. Spend some time listening and surrendering and have a Happy, new and improved you, in 2017!

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When our boys were crawling babies and old enough to start noticing and exploring the world around them, Mike would often pick them up and carry them, through the house, outside, in malls or restaurants, just about anywhere at any random moment, and show them things up above their vision. Since they spent their entire day on the floor it was almost impossible to see or know what was up above.He let them touch clocks, pictures, candles and other things hanging on walls. He showed them flowers, plants, leaves, trees. He let them look out windows, took them into closets and pointed out items on shelves and walked them in restaurant lobbies to let them see whatever was at eye level. Every item seen or touched was prefaced with, "Wow! What is that?" Then he would name it and add a simple explanation, "That's a clock. It's round. Watch that second hand go. That's pretty awesome isn't it?" Watching their precious faces light up at the discovery of some new wonder was priceless as they absorbed the novelties of their world and every tiny discovery in amazement. These 'Wow Walks', as we came to call them, resulted in Jon's first word, not being DaDa or MaMa, but "Wow!" Our nine month old crawling and exploring grandson was with us last week. The first thing Mike did when Asa was comfortable with us holding him, was take him on a "Wow Walk." He had quite a few of them while he was here, to the point where if he was fussy, his mom or dad would ask him, "Asa, do you want Grampy to take you on a Wow tour?" The answer was a big smile and outstretched arms. His way of saying, "Yes Grampy, take me, take me."As we age and mature, we often lose this childlike sense of wonder. The responsibilities, problems and heaviness of our existence on this planet can easily mire us down, into negativity and despair; things once new and exciting as a child become commonplace. We can see a beautiful sunset, without celebrating it, walk past a rose without smelling it or look at a rainbow without contemplating its mystery. We begin evaluating others through eyes of cynicism or mistrust and miss moments of joy and beauty in everyday life. Why are we reminded by Jesus to remain, not childish in behavior, but childlike in faith? “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3). I believe He knew how quickly the belief and wonder could fade; after all, He was here, walking as one of us, when He said this. He also came to return that sense of amazement to life. Not just a, plodding along, trying to keep our head up and survive, sort of reality, but abundance (John 10:10). Is the wonder and joy of life far from your grasp? Do the problems and struggles you face keep you down? God can lift you up. Let Him lift you from the floor of limitation. Trust him as a small child trusts a loving grandfather. Reach for Him with outstretched arms. Allow Him to carry you higher and show you great and marvelous things. Lift up your eyes, believing there is much more above and beyond where you are right now. Don't settle for a 'Woe Is Me’ walk through life. Make it a 'WOW’ walk! But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14 "Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” Luke 18:17 "The thief comes but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10 "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." Psalm 3:3 "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2 "But as it is written, eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

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I awoke at 3:42 AM in a heart racing panic and find myself at this place more often than I care to admit. It weighs heavy in the back of my mind, no matter how I try to push it away, the unknown haunts me. What will become of my son when we are no longer here? With the passing of every year, every birthday, his and mine, the question looms larger. So I guess it's confession time. It's time for me to admit, to say it out loud; I don't trust God in this. My re-occurring fear and worry prove it. I'm convinced no one will take care of him as well as I do, after all I Am Mom and have invested most of my life here. Other than Mike, who else will care enough to do that? I don't know and the not knowing eats at me, plagues me and some days, consumes me. Trusting God with a child is a tall order for any parent. We are so hands on, heart invested, all in, with our kids and it's easy to default back to a place of worry. But a child, who needs continual, life time supervision and assistance, elevates investment levels to exponential heights. So often I feel like the dad who brought his son to Jesus and cried out, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" Maybe Jesus understands this parental desperation more than we know. He healed the boy in spite of dad's wavering faith. And that gives me hope. I've thought a lot about faith. What is it? How does it work? What should it look like in my life? Honest questions from a girl who grew up in a church culture equating struggle, disaster, illness, and tragedy with a condemning lack of faith; feeling failure and shame whenever my sunshine, lollipops and rainbow life disappeared behind onimous black clouds for a season. Understanding what it means to really trust God has been a huge re-learning process for me. I've seen His unlimited goodness and faithfulness through the years, in both the easy and hard places of my life, but realize I'm still lacking when it comes to radically abandoned trust. I've also lived long enough in my Heavenly Father's amazing grace to understand we are always in process. Every day and every situation brings new opportunities for my faith to rise to higher levels. An infant isn't a full grown adult one week, one month or even a year after he is born. He grows incrementally day after day, over the span of many years. And we don't condemn him for it. A twenty year old will not have the wisdom and experience of a seventy year old. Full maturity comes with time and age. We know instinctively this is the natural order of things, yet we Christ followers can beat ourselves and others up when we are not spiritual giants overnight. Wayne Jacobsen (thegodjourney.com) put it like this: "I like the process of God winning us to trust. It's not that we should trust Him or have to act like we trust Him even where we don't. God wins us...I think life puts us in different points of extremity..but those opportunities when He says, "OK, we're going to go deeper here, you're going to get to learn to trust Me more"...I think all of my days I'm still going to find myself in places going, "OK, my trust doesn't extend here yet, but God let it." Maybe that's the Author and Finisher of our faith, He's going to grow it into a reality...the faith I live in today was not mine to produce but [grew as] I cooperated with Him." When Jesus calls out his followers with, "Oh, you of little faith," we see it as a negative, a criticism, a scolding, but maybe it was more of a reminder than a rebuke. After all, He said we only need faith the size of a mustard seed to throw a mountain into the sea (Matthew 17:20). A mustard seed is slightly larger than a grain of sand. That's tiny! Could He be telling us we don't need as much as we think, we just need to exercise what we already have and watch it produce? After all He does the work, the miracle, the impossible. We just do the believing. There's a tension, a balance, between planning for the future and worrying over it and our manual for living, the Bible, addresses both. Proverbs 6:6-8 tells us to consider the ant who stores up and plans for the days ahead. Jesus tells us to consider the lilies who don't fret or toil but are clothed in beauty by the Provider of all things (Luke 2:27-40). While we plan as much as possible for Jon's future, we must trust God with the rest. We do our part and believe He will do His, because He always has. Today, I absorb what Apostle Paul stated in Philippians 4:6-7, into my heart, mind and spirit, "Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ." So Lord, today, I give Jon and his future back to You. Once again, I lay him at your feet and place him in Your capable hands, knowing You have a good plan already in mind for him. I thank You for it, even in my inability to see or control it. I may need to do this again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, Father, but I offer my mustard seed faith to you, thankful for Your patience while it grows into larger trust I have yet to obtain. Lord, I believe. Please touch those places in me where I don't believe, those areas filled with doubt, worry and fear. I give them, along with my son, to You and thank You for never giving up on me but continuously calling me into Your amazing faith, trust and peace. Today I choose I choose Faith. Today I choose Trust. Today I choose You! "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." ~Corrie Ten Boom Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Proverbs 6:6-8 "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Luke 12:27 “Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

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I know someone who never stayed - for anything - marriages, children, jobs, family, friends. Offended? Leave. Conflict? Forget it. Difficulty? Run. Everytime. As soon as the next bump in the road arose (small, medium, large, mountains, molehills, anthills) it was time to run again. And again. And again. Burning every bridge until nothing was left. Then the Golden Years arrived. A time to reap the benefits of staying: Children. Grandchildren. Retirement. Relationships. Friendships. Money saved. Home owned. Travel. Wisdom. Influence. Respect. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing but sad alone-ness, with barely enough to sustain an existence. Life's garden had become a barren weed patch with no harvest in sight. Though it's never too late to start over, the rewards of staying aren't instant. They build slowly and mundanely over time, growing with consistency, routine, responsibility, trust, effort, plodding, endurance, work, sacrifice, discipline, selflessness. Days turn into seasons. Seasons into years. Years into decades. Decades into a lifetime. Of course, there are certain circumstances where staying isn't wise and it's beneficial to move on, but staying can never be based on feelings. It's a choice and often an act of love, paying great dividends, offering stability and bringing reward. Eventually. Jesus, on the night of His arrest, told His friend Peter, "I could call on my Father to send more than twelve legions of angels to help me now. But how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say this must happen?" (Matthew 26:53-54) He stayed all the way to brutal death on a cross, all the way to, "It is finished." He chose to endure the cross "for the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2). What was that joy? I believe it was restoring relationship with Me and You! He stayed for Us! In the short term, cut and run may look easier, but as a habit, it perpetuates an accumulation of poor decisions. The decisions of today become tomorrow's reality. Before quitting, be honest about the possible long term consequences. Take time to think and pray about the influence of this decision on tomorrow and all the tomorrows after. Never underestimate the power of staying. Plod on. Don't give in. Don't give up. Stick it out. Keep the faith. Stay the course. Sow the harvest. Enjoy the journey. And EVENTUALLY.. ..reap the rewards.     "Success is measured, not by how we start, but by how we finish." ~ Mike Connis "Let us not get tired of doing good, because in time we'll have a harvest if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9 "And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom." Luke 9:62 "I press on toward the goal.." Philippians 3:14 "The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full light of day." Proverbs 4:18 "Matthew 7:24-25 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock."

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"Do unto others as they have done to you?"

There are many times in life, relationships and circumstances we secretly wish Jesus had actually said it that way and more often than we like to admit, we react as if He did (Matthew 7:12). Here's what I know: People can disappoint People can hurt People can reject People can ignore People can ridicule People can neglect People can be selfish People can be disloyal People can be harsh People can be intolerant People can be heartless People can be cruel People can be...just fallen, broken, messed-up people. So how do we respond when others become these 'People Can' folks? What is our reaction when people don't rise to the level of our expectations? The human tendency is to recoil, withdraw, take out a mental permanent marker and cross them off our internal, 'people-I-just-might-continue-to-like' list. I've said it and many times heard others say it, "They did/said ________. That's it! I'm done with them!" We wash our angry, offended hands of them and walk away; maybe not literally, but emotionally. We build walls, barriers and keep them distant; at the extreme fringe of our consciousness. They are cast to the outside of our tiny circle and are greeted, if it all, with a stiff jaw, hard heart and an icy attitude. Obviously, I'm not referring to abusive, immoral or illegal relationships. There may be people we need out of our life to vastly improve its' outcome. Go ahead and pray for these as you walk away. But in the everyday interactions between co-workers, friends, family, spouse, fellow believers and the cashier in the checkout line, we can be so easily offended, so quick to write others off. The truth is God did not write us off. He should have. We certainly deserve it. He did this instead: "For God so loved the world He gave..." John 3:16 "While we were yet sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 "Father forgive them they don't know what they're doing." Luke 23:34 And if God, my Creator, did this for us, we can do no less for others. Jesus, our pattern and example of God walking and living on the earth said: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14 "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12 "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35 "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you..." Matthew 5:44 In other words, "Do what I do. Treat others, not as they deserve, but in the same way I have treated you." He’s never turned his back on us, but gave it to the lash of scorners. He’s never walked away from us, but stumbled up a dusty hill, carrying the same tree that took His life. He’s never washed his hands of us, but allowed them to be pierced with nails of redemption. He’s never crossed us off his list, but hung on a cross to prove He will never stop reaching for us. This isn't a fuzzy, mushy, lollipops and sunshine sorta’ love. It's a, “This is hard and I don't feel like it, but it’s the right thing to do," kind of love (Luke 22:42). It's a love that puts relationship over being right. And a love, not for romantic, starry-eyed whimps, but for spirit led soldiers who will take up their cross and follow Him. "So in EVERYTHING, do to others what you WOULD HAVE them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" Matthew 7:12. The addition of a few extra words changes everything. My prayer today, is they will also change me and you.

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Cleaning Jon's room makes me mad! I'm confessing, putting it out here for all to read. Every time I clean his room I battle a huge bad attitude. One way to deal with my anger has been to give it a name, "The Landfill", and to play worship music on my iPad as loudly as possible while cleaning. The past few days we've been seeing little gnat things flying around the house and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. I do a quick check in Jon's room every other day or so, making sure nothing's growing or moving that shouldn't be and about once a week, do a more thorough clean and sheet change. Yesterday, I decided it was "Landfill" cleaning day. Mike was home so he helped me with the vacuuming and I was sorting through Jon's usual piles of stuff on the floor and in crates making sure everything was kosher, when I found it buried under a pile of stuffed animals, a personal size Rubbermaid cooler that he had taken from a cabinet in the laundry room. I opened it to see what was inside and a fleet of gnats flew up in my face. After they lifted off, I noticed the bottom of the cooler was alive and moving with hundreds of little gnat larva. They were living off some sort of food science experiment growing in there. Horrified, I screamed, slammed the top shut, grabbed it, ran to the front door and heaved the cooler as hard as I could into the yard. I slammed the front door closed and jumped around in the foyer for a few minutes, totally grossed out, itching, shaking and hollering, trying to get hallucinatory gnats off of me. Once that subsided, incredible anger took its place. I stomped into the kitchen and yelled at Jon for two minutes straight while he stared at me like I'd just lost my mind then I went back in his room, still freaking out, and tried to tell Mike I'd found the source of our gnat invasion. "I can't hear anything you're saying. You've got the music so loud it sounds like a Pentecostal church service in here. Turn it down so I can hear you." Mike hollered over the music. I yelled back, "Listening to that music is the only way I get through cleaning this room so you best be glad it's playing. I'm so mad right now if that music shuts off I'm gonna’ smack someone, and hard!" We scrubbed the daylights out of Jon's room for the next hour. I reluctantly searched every nook, cranny, box, crate, bag and pile in there and in his bathroom. I threw every thread of bedding and fabric I could find in the washing machine and got Jon in the shower. He even let me wash his hair, possible penance for what he'd just put me through, though I'll never know for sure. A few hours later, after I was sure everything was clean and back in order, I finally calmed down. Last night I prayed. Though yesterday’s clean was more than unusual, I asked God to show me why I become so angry every time I clean Jon's room. God knows my heart better than I, and I want to understand what is triggering this anger inside of me. The answer came in my prayer as I poured my heart out before my Heavenly Daddy. "He's thirty five, I shouldn't have to still clean his room and it's not fair that I do. We should be empty nesters now and only cleaning kid messes after grandchildren visit." As much as I love my son, cleaning his room is evidence that this didn't turn out as I'd hoped and hope disappointed triggers many reactions and emotions. We often don’t recognize their source. Like we didn't know where the gnats were coming from, I didn't know where my anger was coming from until I searched, until I asked. Now that I know, God and I can start working on it together; one more area where grace can replace reaction, where a servant heart can replace selfishness. Recognizing my shortcoming is the first step. Asking God to help me change is the second. He loves me too much to leave me as I am, yet He is gentle enough to expose and change my selfish heart one layer at a time, even if it takes a plague of gnats to motivate me. Confession is good so I pray I'll soon have a heart of joy and a song of praise at all times, even in "The Landfill". But. Please. Lord. (Shivverrrr) minus all creepy, crawly, cringy, critter things! Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry and sin not, don't let the sun go down on your wrath or give place to the devil." James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed."

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I opened my Facebook page this morning to pass along the exciting post our youngest son and his wife shared, announcing our first grandchild on the way (Yahoo!). As I typed a comment and hit the share button I noticed my post underneath, from last night, about being out with Jon and his roll of toilet paper that accompanied us to the pizza place. I usually don't give it much thought, then there are moments like this one, when the wide extremes of my life's norms, jump up and smack me right between the eyes. Webster's Dictionary defines normal as usual or ordinary; not strange. One child growing up, getting married and having his own children is pretty ordinary. The other child growing up and toting a roll of toilet paper to the pizza restaurant, standing in parking lots for thirty minutes before going inside a building, singing Disney songs to me at one thirty in the morning and the myriad of other unusual events that come with being Jon's mom, Mr. Webster wouldn't consider ordinary at all. As I scroll back through some of my older Facebook posts, I'm reminded that life with Jon is anything but ordinary and some of it seems downright strange, yet everything about him and this life we share with him has become normal for us. Occasionally, I'm sad, when I think of the usual milestones Jon's will never experience, but today the wide extreme depicted by those two Facebook posts made me laugh out loud. We live in a culture that is saying all experience, ideas and opinions must be either/or. And while it is true there are still absolute values, standards and morals, regardless of what culture thinks or says, my sons have placed me in a world that is both/and; the usual and the unusual, the ordinary and the strange, mixed together in a kaleidoscope of crazy wonder. Today, I smile, thinking of the unique joy found in living a life that is a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I'm perched on it, hanging on tight, mostly enjoying the ride, with no clue what tomorrow will bring Maybe ordinary is overrated.

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Caregiving is selfless work. Problem is, I'm not selfless. Not yet. I've grown through the years I've been doing this overtime parenting/caregiving thing, but honestly, I still have a long way to go. There are times when I still struggle and it seems too hard, too frustrating, too confining, too self sacrificing, too...much. But love moves me forward another day. I love my son and he needs me, whether he realizes it or not. So I rise in the morning with new mercies, new grace and make the most of both the imperfect and fantastic days we are blessed to have. Comparison is a luxury I can't afford. Neither can you. When we start comparing our life to others our thoughts can travel into dangerous territory. Some comparisons that might spiral me into dark places: They go on vacation. We can't. They get in their car and go whenever/wherever they want. I can't. Their thirty something year old kid is self sufficient. Mine isn't. They don't have to worry about what will happen to their grown child when they're no longer here. I do. There's plenty more of these, but you get the idea. I can't allow my mind to dwell on what they are doing. Such thinking has to be 'taken captive' (2 Corinthians 10:5) and serves no purpose but a downward spiral into self absorbed misery. What I can think on is God's goodness; His provision, grace, strength and blessing. I have a roof over my head. I'm not hungry. I'm in functioning health. I have support from a good husband, caregivers, church and friends; a decent car to drive when I can get away, a yard full of awesome plants to enjoy and a son who only needs constant reminders to attend to his own basic physical needs. And some times, even while being grumpy and stubborn, Jon’s quirky, humor makes me smile. Things to be thankful for outnumber the they comparisons and inconveniences, two to one. Jesus modeled selfless caregiving when He loved me enough to lay aside His Heavenly crown, take on flesh and come to an Earth originally created in perfection by Him and utterly broken by the degradation of His greatest creation - man. The Ultimate Caregiver came to serve and give His life away. He came to provide solutions for the desperation of humanity and offers the grace and strength I need to serve and care as He does. Faithfully Patiently Cheerfully Lovingly Sacrificially Selflessly I pray everyday, as I struggle to set ‘me’ aside again, for the benefit of my son and for others, that I will emulate Christ’s love in some small way. Because true love lives to serve. John 13:4...he [Jesus] got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. ⁵ After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.¹² When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. ¹³ “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. ¹⁴ Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. ¹⁶ Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (NIV) Matthew 20:26-28 "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 1 Peter 5:7 ESV Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Isaiah 41:10 ESV Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

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Jon is into cutting. But not in the same way or for the same reasons as other people. He cuts sleeves off shirts, toes off socks, slits in the center of our bath and dish towels, legs off his father’s pants and hem strips off sheets and bed skirts. Yesterday I took him to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. He dressed in his finest: a sawed off sleeves, blue T-shirt with two belts tied around his waist, one made from a strip of a nice, fluffy over sized beach towel he repurposed and the other, a bright orange and white flowered cloth tie belt he took from my closet. When I'm tempted to be annoyed about this mysterious (and money wasting) behavior, I stop and remind myself to be thankful Jon's not harming himself. He has his own brand of creative fun going on in his very unusual and imaginative brain. And it's just stuff. I can always go to Walmart and buy more cheap, made-in-China towels and T-shirts for him to cut up. It's all replaceable. He isn't. Hanging out with Jon gives me an entirely different way to look at life and teaches me how to relax about little things that don't really matter. While Jon is cutting up stuff in our house, God is cutting away the Me that wants to rise up and demand life always go My way. God uses the people in our lives, yes; even those with annoying habits, to instruct us, change us and expose areas where we need to improve. There is nothing more liberating than letting go of the unrealistic expectations we have for others. Ask God to help you look at those frustrating, annoying folks around you through His eyes, with His heart. Then look inside yourself and let Him transform you so you can love freely, unconditionally and without barriers. The same way Jesus loves me and you. Philippians 2:3(ERV) “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves” Proverbs 27:17(NIV) “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  

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My upcoming birthday has caused me to think about what I would tell a younger me if I could go back and sit down for a meaningful chat with her. The fifty-nine year old me has learned some important stuff I didn't know then.

So here it is, twenty-one things I would tell a twenty-one year old me, if I could: 1. Get over yourself. Everything isn't always about you. 2. You don't know everything and never will. So stop thinking you do. 3. Life can get messy. Clean up the mess and move on. 4. Practice good attitudes and choices. What you choose today becomes tomorrow's reality. 5. Always needing to be right usually isn't. Don't be too proud to admit you're wrong. 6. Lower the drama meter. Laugh more. Save serious for when it's really needed. 7. Changing/fixing others is not your life calling. Offering grace and love is. 8. You can still be nice to people who don't agree with you. Just remember they might not return the courtesy. 9. It's not the end of the world if everyone doesn't like you. Enjoy the people who do. 10. Learn to balance work and fun. Too much of either is...too much. 11. Simplify. Busy is not always a sign of productivity. If it won't matter twenty years from now it's probably not worth your time. 12. Take care of yourself. You won't be young forever. De-stress. Exercise. Rest. Eat Right. Smile. 13. Don't worry. Worry is borrowing fear for tomorrow from delusional scenarios created inside your own head (it also gives you permanent creases between your eyebrows). 14. Comparing creates misery. Stop measuring your imperfect life against everyone else's imperfect life. Enjoy the life you've been given. 15. Let go of regret, guilt and shame. It does no good to live there. God forgives the broken. So forgive yourself. It's never too late to start over. 16. Don't expect any person to satisfy your every want /need when the rest of humanity is just as flawed as you. The only one who loves you perfectly is your Father God. 17. It's not God's fault when others are stupid, mean, rude, disloyal, unkind...Forgive them so you can be forgiven and free of their hold over you. 18. Pain, suffering, loss, delay, irritation, frustration and the mundane is where you can learn and grow the most. Not what you want to hear I know. Sorry. 19. Life isn't always fair and sometimes doesn't turn out the way you hoped or planned, but remember God is with you in it all. He promised. 20. Pray more. Well actually, pray all the time. Your Creator holds the owner's manual to your heart and He loves having conversations with you (don't forget to listen). 21. The years fly swiftly. Relish each day. Each moment of your journey is the best part of now.

I'd love to hear what you would tell a younger version of yourself if you could?

   

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I wrote this eight years ago when I turned fifty. In honor of my recent birthday and because my sister-in-law has requested it, I am posting it now.

Birthdays are celebrations that mark time, change, and the passing of years with swift regularity.

I hit the ‘big 5.O’ on my last one and unlike some women, am happy to announce how many years I have managed to remain upright, breathing and relatively sane through all the ups and downs of my existence.

When I was very young, I remember thinking 50 sounded, well...almost dead, but now that I’m here it’s not so bad.

I’ve survived childhood in a crazy (literally) family, many years of marriage to the same guy, being ‘the pastor’s wife’, raising two boys--one with developmental disability, thirteen years of home schooling, rheumatoid arthritis (since the age of 26), a flood, three hurricanes, a few close call tornadoes and a myriad of church going folks (sorry, but God’s family can be..hmm..let’s save that topic for another time!) and various other types of humanity.

It’s quite a resume and a lot to be thankful for.

My mind, still running with the enthusiasm of a twenty something, finds the number shocking, though the rest of me recognizes beyond a doubt, I’m undeniably 50! How did I arrive here so quickly?

My husband, Mike, finds great joy in the fact that I turned fifty before him and absolutely loved it when the application for an AARP card came in the mail addressed to me. He came up with eons of one-liners and witty jokes for days and weeks afterward. But I remind him often that he’s not very far behind me and will hit that nice even number very soon.

David turned sixteen last month in the days following, took and passed his driving test. When he pulled the old 1995 Acura we gave him out of the driveway and took off alone into the big wide world for the first time, I just stood in the window and watched him go, like a mother bird watching her little one jump off the edge of the nest to try out new wings.

It was a strange sensation and I’m not sure there are words to describe what it was like watching that car disappear down the street and around the corner. For now I’m glad that our “little bird” still returns to the nest whenever he and his new wings leave.

Jonathan’s birthday was yesterday and at twenty six, he is caught in a time warp. The years add up but, unlike his younger brother, he changes very little. Occasionally I hear people say that they would like to return to the simplicity of being a kid again but Jon has never left. 

From my observation, there’s advantages and disadvantages to never growing up. Like the Lost Boys in Peter Pan, Jon is often in a world of his own, one that doesn’t always mesh with the reality around him. He can be joyously oblivious to the harshness of life, especially when it doesn’t directly affect him or be deeply frustrated when the real world presses in on him and becomes difficult to cope with or process.

This year, for reasons I can’t exactly define, my son’s birthdays made me sad and happy all at once. Is it because they are at such opposite ends of a time spectrum as they age? One marking time with little growth, the other moving ahead so rapidly I can barely keep up? Or is it that I’m just a sentimental, goofy, fifty year old, menopausal mom?

There are moments I look forward to clocks, calendars and birthdays becoming non-essential items. In the meantime, I want to embrace every day as it comes, with the simplicity of Jon’s world and the exhilarating speed of David’s.

At a half a century old, I’m still not sure I know how to do that, but by God’s grace I remain willing to learn.

Ephesians 5:^15-17 Act like people with good sense and not like fools. These are evil times, so make every minute count. Don’t be stupid. Instead, find out what the Lord wants you to do.

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Proverbs 18:17 "The first to state his case seems right until another comes and cross-examines him." It is unwise to make judgements based on a one sided story and limited facts. Be careful about believing everything heard or read. There's always two sides to every situation, sometimes more. When I don't bother to obtain all the facts, assumptions are made founded on skewed perspectives. Relationships can be damaged, sometimes severely. Picking up an offense that has nothing to do with me, based solely on what one person has said is a waste of my time, energy and emotion. It's not worth it. I don't need more drama in life than I already create on my own! The Bible calls this gossip and also calls me foolish for partaking. Jesus said offenses will come (Luke 17:1) and tomorrow has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34) so why borrow offense from others? If I'm not part of the solution, I shouldn't make it my problem. Quietly pray for all involved and move on. Let God and the people concerned sort it out. Proverbs 10:18 ESV "..whoever utters slander is a fool." Proverbs 17:9 ESV "Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends." Matthew 18:15-18 (MSG) "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love."

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Observations made as I worked in my garden today:

Weeds don't need any help to grow.

They don't need fussing over, fertilizing, pruning...most of the time they don't even need water, but the plants providing the most beauty and benefit need diligent care and some Miracle Gro.

Lesson 1~God speaking: Check your heart often, Diane. Weeds sprout up from nowhere and everywhere. Weeds of bitterness, resentment, anger, envy, gossip, lethargy, disillusionment...so many!

They grow fast and are hard to pull out once firmly rooted. Get rid of them quick before they take over your universe!

Give attention to your heart’s essential growth. Fruits of love, joy, peace, kindness, lo-o-o-o-n-n-ng suffering, patience, goodness, self control...so many!

They grow slowly but once rooted, are firmly planted. Keep them fed and watered until they take over your universe.

Me: “Yes Lord, You are my Miracle Gro and I submit to your loving cultivation.”

A bee buzzed in angry circles as I fertilized a plant where he was collecting nectar.

I told him (Yes, I talk out loud to creatures and plants. So now you all KNOW I'm crazy), "Listen up Mr. Bee, I'm the one who put this flower here. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be enjoying it, so don't get mad at me. There's plenty more around here, so move it!"

Lesson 2~God speaking: "Diane, everything you have comes from Me, so don't get mad at Me when I'm trying to make improvements in your life. Some may come disguised in perplexity and inconvenience but don't be like that bee."

Me: "OK Lord, got it. But you'll probably have to remind me again tomorrow. I might forget."

God speaking: "Well, just come back out to your garden. You'll remember."

Didn't know a garden can teach you things?

Go plant one and listen.

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