Jon is often a night owl and I sometimes try to be one with him, just to be with him.

A few late nights ago, I was lying on the sofa watching determined chefs attempt to cook their best dish in a ridiculous amount of time, competition. Jon was rustling around in another part of the house.

At one point he came and stood behind me and began repeating, “He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.” I‘m never sure if Jon is parroting a movie line he’s heard or trying to express a thought. I turned the TV volume down. “Who’s gone, Jon?”

More repeating, “He’s gone. He’s gone...” I asked again. “My Dad. He’s never coming back.”

Grief does not play out on a short path. The journey is long and arduous. We have moments now, when we laugh and smile, but there’s still a pile of sad and edgy and raw and vulnerable. There’s still many days it’s difficult to wrap our brains and hearts around the truth that Mike is missing from us.

 My son in his simple, yet profound voice has stated, here we are, still struggling.

Where will this journey take us? I don’t know. I do know this. When our son was born, I had to become an advocate for the disabled. A few years later I was run over by chronic illness and eventually took up the banner of reclaiming health through lifestyle choices. Now that close and sudden death has taken my breath away, I will become a spokesperson in this modern, sanitized, look the other way, death and grief illiterate western culture, for those whose hearts break. For those who walk the long, shadowed path of living after great loss.

 If it’s true that our mess becomes our message, then it appears I’ve been given something to share. I volunteered for none of these difficulties, (I mean, come on, who does?) regardless, I’m learning our brokenness is not to be hidden or disregarded, but is meant to come along side another, reach out, weep, hug, love with feet and hands on, encourage, and proclaim, “I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how to fix this but I will not run from your pain. I will not ignore your struggle. I see you and I am here.”

In the time of His greatest sorrow, Jesus wanted his friends near him. As he grieved and struggled with what was ahead, he longed for human companionship. Near-ness. “What, you couldn’t even stay awake with me for one hour?” (Matthew 26:40)

There was nothing his follower friends could do to change what was about to happen but He needed to know they were there for Him. I have come to believe our main calling and purpose in this life is to walk beside each other in all of it’s joy and brokenness. To show up. To just be there.

Do that for someone you know today. And I pray, if and when needed, someone will do the same for you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 

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It’s July 4th. USA’s Independence Day. A time to remember our journey of becoming a nation. The day we celebrate our historical release from the rule of a British monarchy.

This land was founded on independence, which in many ways is good. It holds each of us responsible for our own choices, our own path and fuels much of the creativity, innovation and freedom we enjoy.

Taken to the opposite extreme, however, it’s not good. There we come to believe, “I don’t need anyone. I can do it my way. Don’t need you. Won’t listen to that opinion. Not letting anyone else in.” There all sense of community is lost. The desire for belonging, every human craves, is gone. We are no longer our brother’s keeper. We isolate, judge, withhold.

We are meant to be the hands and feet of Jesus in this world. Literally. Physically. Not just talk but action. Will we ever see perfect this on Earth? Probably not. But we are always meant to try. We don’t have to rescue the entire world, only help the one set before us. Today. In whatever form that may unfold.

Anything from a simple hug and smile to:

 “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here to listen.”

“Can I pick up anything at the store for you?”

“Let’s go out to dinner. My treat.”

“Would you like me go with you to that doctor appointment?”

“I‘m coming over to mow your grass, fold laundry, watch the kids, bring lunch, help organize your garage, clean leaves out of the gutters, paint that room, plunge the toilet or just keep you company for a while.”

There’s so many ways we can help the people whose lives intersects ours, some may even require opening our wallet. Independence says: “I‘m too busy”. “I don’t have time”. “That’s their problem.” “That’s not my concern”. “They’ll figure it out.” “I don’t know what to say/do.” And a host of other excuses we come up with to stay independent from others. Dependence requires sacrifice of our time, energy, emotions, money, resources.

Love asks, “What can I do to make your world a better place today? Right now?” Then puts action to it.

In it’s rightful context, there’s nothing bad about independence, but there can be a whole lot right about dependence, a dependence on God and each other to get us through this life.

Happy Independence Day to America! And Happy Dependence Day to Us!

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

James 2:15-16 “If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?”

1 John 3:18 “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”

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The American Dream was built on a mind set of individualism and independence.

The idiom ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ is deeply ingrained in the western worldview and taken to a positive outcome has helped our country and culture evolve into an innovative and creative influence in the world.

The origin of this descriptive phrase isn't known. It refers of course to boots and the straps that some boots have attached to help the wearer pull them on and to the imagined feat of a lifting oneself off the ground by pulling on one's bootstraps. This impossible task is supposed to exemplify the achievement in getting out of a difficult situation by our own efforts

There are life circumstances that come along and leave us so weak, broken and devastated we have no strength left to pull ourselves up or out. Our own efforts are dismantled and truthfully God never meant for us to rely solely on our own striving and limited human understanding in life. We are designed to depend on Him and each other.

 So what do we do when our bootstraps are broken? Who and what do we rely on when our inner resources are drained?

I’ve been told many times in the past months to ‘stay strong’, ‘be strong’. Not helpful. You can’t be strong when you’re not. It’s like asking someone with broken legs to walk on them. Anyone with logical thinking understands this is a crazy expectation.

 These are the times we are to be strong for each other, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,“ Galatians 6:2.

What is the law of Christ? Jesus made it clear before He went to the cross. “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another,” John 13:34.

 Loving each other means there will be times we are called on to carry someone else when they are too weak, too devastated, to carry themselves (even Jesus needed help carrying the cross to Golgotha). It means we will need to cover another with our own faith in their time of lack.

We step into their situation, however uncomfortable, not to advise, fix or offer theological cliches, scripture quoting or explanations for suffering, but just to be near, to hold up, to ‘weep with those that weep,’ We show up. We climb into the devastation. We stay for the duration.

We are all meant to be boot straps for one another. There may also be times when we need to be someone’s boots, never mind the straps!

 If someone near you is too broken to pull themselves up, pick them up and carry them. Transfuse some of your own presence, strength and faith to another for a while until they are back on their feet.

You never know when you’re own bootstraps might be broken and you’ll need someone to carry you.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another.” Romans 12:15-16

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Mike and I moved many times through the years of our marriage (read about that here).

Whenever we relocated we left houses and some unnecessary things behind and carried many possessions with us to the next destination.

 Such is the nature of life. Change comes and we have to decide what to carry with us and what to leave behind. It’s rarely an all or nothing proposition, but a mix of both.

Since the death of my husband, a little more than year ago, I’ve learned the pervasive thought of modern western culture is to grieve on a linear path of stages for a while, get through it, get over it and finally move on to a happy, contented new life.

 Grief is a problem to be ‘fixed’ rather than an experience to be acknowledged. Our culture doesn’t deal well with death, pain, suffering or grief. We personally avoid these at all costs and we often don’t know what to do with those who are experiencing them. Our convenience loving, pleasure seeking, short attention span, hurry-up-and-make-bad-stuff-go-away culture, often and unintentionally places grieving people in a position of pretending to be alright or having to defend their sorrow, eventually forcing them into suffocating silence.

Moving on implies leaving everything behind. To not speak of our dead loved one again, acting as if they never existed, if not ridiculous, is at the very least, unfair and a dishonor to our departed and the love we shared with them. The truth is, our love for a person doesn’t die with them. We never ‘get over’ it, because their life and death are ingrained into our experience and become an integral part of who we are. As long as I breathe, I will carry Mike’s life and death forward into the future I learn to live without him.

Recently someone was brave enough to tell me they had heard about Mike’s death and said, “That must be so difficult.” This was an acknowledgement of the pain. “Tell me about him. What was he like?” This was an honoring of his existence. They didn’t dance around the reality of his life or death and what I was going through. They didn’t assume I didn’t want to talk about it. They didn’t offer cliches or platitudes. And they weren’t afraid of my sadness or tears. They entered into the loss with me.

It was a beautiful thing and something we all need to practice as we enter into one another’s pain and suffering. When we do we are mirroring God’s heart for the broken. He didn’t avoid our pain and suffering or run from it. He put on a suit of skin and entered totally into the experience of humanity. The blessings, fear, joy, sadness, laughter, tears and darkness.

 God chose and still chooses to be with us in all of it. He doesn’t pretend to make the hard stuff go away but enters into it with us. He promises to be Emanuel. God With Us!

And moving forward, especially during the sadness of another Christmas season, I can be thankful for this, even when it’s difficult to be thankful for anything else.

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Job 23:2 “My complaint is bitter again today. I try hard to control my sighing.”

I’ve read the book of Job many times through the years, but reading it with a grieving heart is eye opening. I completely relate to all the raw, brutal emotion, the questioning, flailing and anxiety of humanity displayed there; a cacophony of thoughts and words flowing from a broken heart. Tossing, turning, struggling with answers to a deluge of why questions.

 I admit to finding consolation in the story of Job, since some of his experience is also mine. I am not unlike him. Desperate prayers and pleas erupt from a mind, that is often a tornado of chaotic thoughts. Fear, insecurity and desperation leer in the background of my days. The battle is real.

 In his suffering, Job exhausts himself further, trying to reach God, trying to understand why he has been targeted for such loss and pain. We don’t know how long it took Job to reach the other side of his grief. The story is read in forty two chapters so we assume it’s short, but I doubt that, because grief never is. Could have been months, even years.

What I do know is, though he never seemed to find the answers he was searching for, in the end he found a clearer revelation of God. Job finally tells God, “You asked why I talk so much when I know so little. I have talked about things that are far beyond my understanding. You told me to listen and answer your questions. I heard about you from others but now I have seen you with my own eyes,” Job 42:2-5.

Grief and loss have a way of knocking the props out from under us, forcing us to re-prioritize, re-think, re-evaluate everything we thought we believed. I pray I eventually emerge on the other side of this season with a broader sense of how great God is and how deeply He loves, especially when nothing makes sense.

‘Well, you were a pastor’s wife, you should already know such things,’ some may think. No. Regardless of expectations or ‘titles’, my limited lens on life and it’s purpose will never measure up to God’s panoramic view.

Relationships are in a continuous tension between struggle and growth. God created us for relationship. In the pleasant and hard places, God longs to be up close and personal. He only waits for the invitation that my hurting heart delivers.

I want to be able to say with Job, “In all my days up until this, I had ‘heard about you from others but now I have seen you with my own eyes.’

He can still be trusted. He is still worthy to be known.”

In my struggle, let me SEE you, Lord.

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The first two promises Mike and I made to one another weren’t always easy to keep. We laughed, cried, fought, rejoiced, struggled, walked together and at times, far apart through "for better, for worse. In sickness and in health." Many years ago we stood at an altar and repeated, “Until death do us part.” I was a young, starry eyed, romantic, full of warm, fuzzy dreams of how my life would play out with the guy I loved. Those five words, stated so innocently, so glibly have now come full circle. “Until death do us part.” Forty two years later I’m experiencing the final vow. This one I get to keep without Mike by my side. That’s how it usually works. After decades of sloshing through the history of our life, one of us got to go. One got to stay. “Until death do us part.” My covenant promises to Michael Connis ended abruptly a few weeks ago. The last vow has been fulfilled. The stark, harsh reality of it has left me reeling, gasping, longing. But the living of it in between the “I Do” and this parting, I will never regret. The combining of two bodies, souls and spirits is a most wonderful, difficult thing. If you’re still privileged to be living between the first two vows and the last one - BE. ALL. IN. Love ferociously. Struggle determinedly. Give it all ya’ got until the final vow comes calling. In the deep grief of a broken heart and the loneliness of long, sleepless nights there will be a spark of joy in realizing you kept the promises. And it was worth it! Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

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I have a fascination with words and how they evolve over time, how culture redefines them. Lately, as I scroll social media, read articles and hear news, the latest descriptive word is ‘Hater’. “Your a Hater!” “They’re Haters!” “The Haters are here!” “He/she’s a Hater troll!” “Ignore the Haters!” Here a Hater, there a Hater, everywhere a Hater, Hater! The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of hate is - a very strong feeling of dislike, intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury, extreme dislike or disgust : antipathy, loathing, to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility. Is it possible those who call other’s a ‘Hater’ aren’t themselves being one, just by this definition? I don't know, but it's something to think on. It seems to me, the new cultural definition of the word Hate is - you disagree with me/us/them, therefore you hate. Have we really become this thin skinned and easily offended? It is possible to disagree with another’s opinion, beliefs or position and not hate them? I disagreed with my husband a few days ago, and last week and probably last month and probably last year and I still love him. Imagine that! The Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of the word disagree - to have a different opinion, to fail to agree, to be different, to not be suitable for or pleasing to someone. Something/someone being different, not suitable or pleasing does not constitute hate, unless we choose to make it so. There are some valid haters in the world. Obviously. There always has been. But when we start labeling everyone who doesn’t see things our way as a ‘Hater’, when we silence opposing views by mud slinging and name calling or worse, free speech, free thought and healthy debate are diminished if not extinguished. No compromise can be reached and no problem can be solved. Unity is not uniformity. Unity in it’s simplest terms means we all desire the common good for ourselves, family, community, nation and world. How we get there is always up for debate. But we’ll never get anywhere if we can’t even talk about it. Let’s put the ‘Hater’ speech aside and listen to each other. Try to see issues from another’s perspective. Then think on it, pray on it and be compassionate in our convictions. Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) does not include labeling and name calling. And if you disagree with me here, you are not a ‘Hater’. Just sayin’.   Romans 12:14-18. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

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ASSUMPTION: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof, Or the Categorizing of People We Don’t Know, Under Labels:   Myth- All people with Down syndrome are always sweet and happy. Fact- I live with one who isn't always sweet or happy and know of several others who cry a lot. Myth- All Puerto Ricans love rice and beans. Fact- I know one who could care about rice and beans. In fact, I'm a white Yankee from New England and I love rice and beans. Myth- All black people are thugs and takers. Fact- I have a lot of wonderful black friends who are hard working, loving and giving citizens. Myth- All Mexicans are illegal. Fact- I know people of Mexican descent who are awesome legal Americans. Myth- All Moslems are terrorists. Fact- I know of several Moslems that are just as concerned about terrorism as I am. Myth- All white people hate...anyone else...who isn't white. Fact- The white people I know don't hate anyone. If God made you purple with pink stripes or green with yellow dots, I'd still like you. Myth- All people living in the south are racist, redneck, hicks. Fact- Been living in Florida sixteen years, if this is true I sure know a whole lot of really nice non-racist, redneck, hicks. Myth- All people who disagree with my opinion, lifestyle, and behavior are haters. Fact- I’ve been married for four decades to a man I sometimes disagree with. We don’t hate each other. Ever. Myth- All cops are racist murderers. Fact- I have police friends who pray they never have to draw a gun on anyone and want to go home to their family at the end of each day, like the rest of us. Myth- All Pentecostals swing from chandeliers. Fact- I've been in Pentecostal/Charismatic type churches most of my life and have never seen anyone swing from a chandelier. In fact I've never been in a church building that had chandeliers to swing from. Myth- All pastors are after your money. Fact- I've been married to a hard working pastor for four decades. He's never been after anyone's money, not even mine. Myth- All Clinton supporters are left wing, communist liberals. Fact- I know people who supported Hillary and they aren't communists. They had their own well thought out reasons for wanting her as President. Myth- All Trump supporters are right wing, racist, homophobic, narrow minded, bigots. Fact- I know people who supported Trump and they aren't any of those things. They had logical, personal reasons for wanting him as our nation's leader. Myth- God only likes Democrats/Republicans/Libertarians (pick one). Fact- "God so loved the world..." He didn't pick and choose. He didn't die for Trump supporters over Clinton voters. He didn't die for Pentecostals more than Catholics. He doesn't love white people more than black or Moslems less than Americans. Jesus came and loved on sinners, publicans, religious leaders, prostitutes, big mouths, crooks, fishermen, soldiers, sick, broken, tired, and messed up people. He loved and died FOR ALL. So, how about WE THE PEOPLE put away 'childish things’; end the bullying, name calling, mudslinging (even though our politicians won’t), the kicking, screaming, whining and temper fits because we didn't get what we wanted and get to the business of making our home, church, neighborhood, community, state and country a better place. Jesus calls us to a higher standard, "But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell" Matthew 5:22. Can we be mature adults? Stop labeling? Stop categorizing? Stop forcing our agenda on others? Stop believing everyone is our enemy because their opinion, their politics, their social status, their..whatever... is different from our own?How about we invite that ‘opposing person’ out for coffee or lunch? Sit and really listen to another perspective with an open heart, instead of an angry reply. Honor her/him because God cares about her/him and value her/him for who she/he is instead of tripping over what we want them to be. Give someone a chance when we don't think they deserve it, because we’d like the same courtesy extended to us. WE THE PEOPLE can end the division among us and we don't need a President to tell us how to do that! Let’s freely give others the benefit of a doubt and release all assumptions. Jesus is our example. We can choose to take up our cross and follow Him. Then the world will know we are His, not by our agreement, but by our love. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.” 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I stopped those childish ways." Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." John 13: 34 “A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.” Matthew 5:43-45 ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.”

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The topic of lives that matter has been at the forefront of news lately, so I might as well add another group to the fray, one that receives little to no headlines, attention or protests. In 2013, Robert Saylor, a man with Down syndrome died of asphyxiation after three off duty policemen moonlighting as security guards, restrained him to the floor in handcuffs when he refused to leave a movie theater. His caregiver's pleas for understanding were apparently disregarded when Robert wanted to see the movie again. Last week, Arnaldo Rios Soto, a man with autism, watched police shoot his caregiver on a Miami street. Arnaldo had wandered from his group home carrying a favorite metal toy truck in his hand. Someone called the police when they saw Arnoldo, describing him as a man with a gun, acting erratically. His caregiver, Charles Kinsey, was trying to coax him out of the street to safety when police arrived. As Kinsey tried desperately to explain Arnaldo had autism and the object in his hand was a toy truck, an officer discharged his gun at Arnaldo shooting Kinsey instead. Police officers have protocols to follow and tough judgment calls to make based on their best assessment of a situation and the developmentally disabled rarely fit the cooperation profile. During one of Jon's wandering episodes he was handcuffed and held in the back of a police car when he failed to answer an officer's questions or supply his name. To the untrained, the developmentally challenged can be perceived as dangerous and they experience more misunderstandings with police than any other population.* This week in Tokyo, Japan, Satoshi Uematsu a former employee of a residential facility for the disabled, broke in during the night and stabbed nineteen sleeping people to death and wounded twenty five more. Earlier he had written a letter that stated, "all disabled should cease to exist," and "the disabled can only create misery." The first people exterminated during Hitler’s 'purify the race' campaign were not Jews, but the disabled or feeble minded, as he chose to label them. Our Jon would have been the first to die, had we been alive in that decade. It seems no population is exempt from injustice and violence in a world where human hearts trade fear for discernment or choose evil over righteousness. A recently released movie, "Me Before You," based on the novel by the same name, is a fictional story of a handsome, athletic young man from a wealthy family who is spine injured in an accident and becomes a paraplegic. It's meant to be a tear jerker romance, but, of course, I found myself watching this story through the filter of disability and its connection to the value of a human life. The final message of the movie was disappointing, (spoiler alert!) the life of a disabled person is not worth living so the young man travels to Switzerland to die by assisted suicide. Significance is defined as the quality of being important, large enough to be noticed or have effect or influence, to be worthwhile, valued. Everyone longs to matter. WH Auden, a poet from the 1930's wrote, "..for who can bear to feel himself forgotten." We celebrate celebrity, worship achievement, want to be a 'somebody' and leave our mark on the world; a bigger than life personal graffiti wall that boldly states "I was here!" Our culture glorifies importance based on many factors: success, fame, wealth and influence, to name a few. Disability that achieves the earmarks of worldly success is glorified, but not all disabled persons contribute in ways others consider worthwhile. Does this make their lives less valuable? I don't have answers to all the tough questions about disability in the world, but our answer to the question of value usually depends on our worldview. This is mine: "God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.." (Genesis 1:26) and "the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul" (Genesis 2:7). If we believe God is the creator, author and beginning of all human existence, there can never be any doubt all lives matter. When Jesus told us to "love your neighbor as you love yourself" (Mark 12:3), He didn't offer any exceptions, in fact He stated no other commandment was greater. He gave the example of two people groups embroiled in a cold racist war with one another in the parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), to illustrate what this love looks like. Violence is a heart issue and will never be resolved until these words of Jesus are understood in the heart of every person and become standard practice. If we are breathing God's air on this planet He made, His life is in us, regardless of race, color, gender, preference, ability and age; we are His precious treasure. What others see when they look at us, our outward appearance, is only the packaging for the treasure inside and the wrapping, as beautiful as it might be, is never valued over the gift it holds. We are significant because God thought we were worth creating. He paid for our life with His, and extends nail scared hands to all humanity as proof of His investment in us and as a personal guarantee that we are top priority. Jon matters. You matter. I matter. God said so. And that should be good enough for all of us. Psalm 139:14-16 “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them..” Psalm 22:10 “ I was placed in your care from birth. From my mother’s womb you have been my God.” *"Disabled people are four to ten times more likely to face violent crimes than the general population, including police violence, sexual assault, hate crime, bullying, robbery, and murder. According to the recent Ruderman report on media portrayal of police violence towards people with disabilities, at least one third to one half of all police violence cases covered by the media involves the disability community. ~ "#BlackDisabledLivesMatter vs #AllDisabledLivesMatter" by Pharaoh Inkabuss, blackautist.tumblr.com~

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"Do unto others as they have done to you?"

There are many times in life, relationships and circumstances we secretly wish Jesus had actually said it that way and more often than we like to admit, we react as if He did (Matthew 7:12). Here's what I know: People can disappoint People can hurt People can reject People can ignore People can ridicule People can neglect People can be selfish People can be disloyal People can be harsh People can be intolerant People can be heartless People can be cruel People can be...just fallen, broken, messed-up people. So how do we respond when others become these 'People Can' folks? What is our reaction when people don't rise to the level of our expectations? The human tendency is to recoil, withdraw, take out a mental permanent marker and cross them off our internal, 'people-I-just-might-continue-to-like' list. I've said it and many times heard others say it, "They did/said ________. That's it! I'm done with them!" We wash our angry, offended hands of them and walk away; maybe not literally, but emotionally. We build walls, barriers and keep them distant; at the extreme fringe of our consciousness. They are cast to the outside of our tiny circle and are greeted, if it all, with a stiff jaw, hard heart and an icy attitude. Obviously, I'm not referring to abusive, immoral or illegal relationships. There may be people we need out of our life to vastly improve its' outcome. Go ahead and pray for these as you walk away. But in the everyday interactions between co-workers, friends, family, spouse, fellow believers and the cashier in the checkout line, we can be so easily offended, so quick to write others off. The truth is God did not write us off. He should have. We certainly deserve it. He did this instead: "For God so loved the world He gave..." John 3:16 "While we were yet sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 "Father forgive them they don't know what they're doing." Luke 23:34 And if God, my Creator, did this for us, we can do no less for others. Jesus, our pattern and example of God walking and living on the earth said: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14 "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12 "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35 "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you..." Matthew 5:44 In other words, "Do what I do. Treat others, not as they deserve, but in the same way I have treated you." He’s never turned his back on us, but gave it to the lash of scorners. He’s never walked away from us, but stumbled up a dusty hill, carrying the same tree that took His life. He’s never washed his hands of us, but allowed them to be pierced with nails of redemption. He’s never crossed us off his list, but hung on a cross to prove He will never stop reaching for us. This isn't a fuzzy, mushy, lollipops and sunshine sorta’ love. It's a, “This is hard and I don't feel like it, but it’s the right thing to do," kind of love (Luke 22:42). It's a love that puts relationship over being right. And a love, not for romantic, starry-eyed whimps, but for spirit led soldiers who will take up their cross and follow Him. "So in EVERYTHING, do to others what you WOULD HAVE them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" Matthew 7:12. The addition of a few extra words changes everything. My prayer today, is they will also change me and you.

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"Can you believe it's been forty years?" I asked Mike. "Yes and no." He answered. "It seems like yesterday and like a long time ago all at the same time." "When you've been married this long, people wonder what the secret is. People ask me that now? So what do you think it is - the secret to making it?" My husband said exactly what I've been thinking lately, "There's no big secret. It's hard work and a lot of showing up and not giving up" Our son, David, recently wrote a great song to his wife, Clara, for their fourth wedding anniversary titled, "Ornery Love". You can listen to it here. The word ornery doesn't typically have a positive connotation but one definition is, stubborn. I like the idea of using it to describe a long lasting marriage because an obstinate commitment to each other is what it takes to keep a marriage alive and growing in a culture that does everything possible to slaughter it. I'm thrilled our son and his wife are discovering this early on and hope both sets of parents, his and hers, have modeled ornery love well enough to be certain our kids will take the marriage journey from four anniversaries to forty and beyond, as we are doing now. We've done an incredible amount of ornery loving through our years of togetherness and by a miracle of God's grace we've never quit. August 23, 1975 - 2015! Happy, Ornery #40 to us. 1 Corinthians 13:7 “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

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I drove halfway up the driveway before noticing Jon didn’t have his seat belt on, so I stopped the car and put it in park. “Please put your seat belt on, Jon.” He glared at the floor and snarled, “Leave me alone!” “You want to be left alone? Ok then.” I put the car in reverse and backed it up to the garage, where we’d just come from. “You want to be left alone? Then get out of the car right now and go back in the house.” I stared at him. He stared at the floor. We sat in silence for a minute. “You either get your seat belt on and loose the attitude or get out of this car. I’m going out to have a nice time and I don’t need any grumpys coming along to wreck it.” I said firmly. The scowl on my son’s face relaxed and he reached for the seat belt and slowly clicked it in place. I thanked him and off we went. On the way to our destination, I decided to remind him why seat belts are not an option. I began to explain in simple language I knew he understood, that wearing one is the law and how they save lives in case of an accident. As I was talking he reached out and turned the radio volume up. “So you don’t want to hear what you need to know, is that it, Jon?” I reached over and turned the radio down. “You don’t want me to talk? Well, I won’t quit talking ‘till I’m dead. So you might as well get used to it.” He reached over to turn the radio back up but not before I heard him mutter, “Hope that hurries up.” I desperately tried not to laugh. Something so hurtful can be hilarious coming from Jon. He doesn’t talk much but he sure doesn’t pussy foot around about how he feels. At thirty five, when confronted with his inappropriate behavior, he’s often like a moody, bad attitude teenager who forgot to grow up. I glanced at him as I drove and answered lightly, “Because you just said that, God is now going to make sure I live forever.” A barely-there smile crossed his lips and he turned to look out the window so I wouldn’t see it. This is what I know. Sometimes, people I care about say words that are less than loving. Get over it! Sometimes, people I love are hurtful. Get over it! Sometimes those I try to help, lash back. Get over it! Sometimes those I most want love, acceptance and approval from, disappoint. Get over it! If Jesus, who was nailed to a tree, and in the excruciating pain and suffering of his final breath could declare, “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing,” for those who hung Him there, I have no right to hold an offense against those who do less to me. I’m learning from my Savior and my son how to get over it! Getting over offense is a choice we constantly make. Everyday and in all situations. Will I hold on to the hurt and add it to my growing list of offenses? Will I choose bitterness and bondage or forgiveness and freedom? Will I choose to stop taking every word, action and reaction personally? Will I choose to stop being overly sensitive. Will I choose to let go? When I pray for strength I don’t have, God’s grace meets me at the point of my choice. I then see others through His eyes and with His heart. Broken. Bruised. Damaged. Valuable. Forgiven. Deserving of love. Worthy of redemption. Just like me. So. Get. Over. It! “The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” ~Unknown~ Matthew 18:²¹ Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?”²² Jesus answered: Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times! Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.            

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Jon was wandering around the kitchen before I left for Sunday morning service, taking stock of the plate I had prepared him and gathering more food from the pantry and fridge. When I came home, he was standing next to the dinette table just off the kitchen, and had methodically arranged all his food, dishes, silverware and some treasures from his room on and around a place mat. He'd barely eaten anything while I was gone which is typical for him. He has to have things arranged a certain way before he feels settled and his obsession will often stretch the process out for hours. The caregiver left and I started on lunch for Mike and I, warming up leftovers, putting a meal together in about fifteen minutes and setting our places on each side of Jon's. Our son rarely wants to sit and eat with us but it looked like he was about to settle down and I was hoping the three of us would have lunch together this day. The unspoken Jon rule is this: he can invade your space at any time, day or night but you take a risk invading his. Sometimes you are received, many times not (read more about that here). It's somewhat like the kings in the Old Testament who raised a scepter to show their approval if you entered their presence without being beckoned. If approval was not granted you could quickly be missing your head (see Esther 4:11-16). As Mike and I took our seats, blessed the food and began eating, the expression on Jon's face tuned into a scowl. We had invaded his space and he wasn't happy about it. "Come on Jon," I said, "sit down and eat with us. You did a great job setting your place here so let's have lunch together today." It wasn't happening. He began snatching his things off the table and moving them to the dining room, stomping back and forth from one table to the other until everything was moved. No amount of encouragement or pleading convinced him to stay. It's always his choice, never ours. I've learned so much about the father heart of God from Jon through the years. I know what it's like to feel rejected by your child and I also have a greater understanding of unconditional love. Jon has days when he barely acknowledges my presence. But regardless of how that makes me feel, I’m aware of his social limitations and I still love him. I will always be here for him, reaching, waiting; doing everything I can to give him the best possible life. There are many ways I want to show Jon how much I love him that he often doesn’t want or accept, so I have to meet him where he is and on his terms. As I read the Bible, I see so many illustrations of God's love for His people. His children. He longs to be with them. He wants to bless them, rescue them, and shower them with love and mercy. He comes into their situations over and over, making Himself available in their darkest hour; if they would only acknowledge Him and respond to His love. But they don’t. They turn away and break His heart. Again. And again. And again. So God waits. And He’s still waiting. Waiting for me and you to acknowledge Him. Waiting for us to respond to His love. Waiting for His kids to understand the Cross was the very best He could offer to exchange our wayward and distant heart for His limitless love. He longs to be with us and waits to be invited. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20) God will not force Himself into this relationship. It’s on my terms, not His. It’s all about my willingness to open the door, set a place at the table, pull out a chair and invite Him to sit with me. And it makes His heart very happy when I do. Just like it makes me happy when Jon decides he wants to be with me. Unconditional love hopes.

“Maybe today will be the day.”

Unconditional love never gives up.

“Not today? OK, then maybe tomorrow?”

Unconditional love reaches.

“Whether you want me or not, I’ll always love you.”

Unconditional love waits.

“I’ll still be here when you return.”

 

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A Hunter and a Bear were walking through the woods when they came upon each other.

The Hunter was afraid.

He raised his rifle and shouted, “I want to have you for dinner!”

The Bear was afraid.

He reared up on his back legs and roared, “I want to have you for breakfast!”

The Hunter fired but missed, then both turned and ran away.

The Hunter went home and told his friends, “I tried to invite the Bear over for dinner, but he threatened to attack me.”

The Bear went home and told his friends, “I tried to invite The Hunter over for breakfast but he tried to shoot me.”

The Hunter and The Bear could have been friends, but they were not clear when they communicated their wishes to each other.

People don’t always say exactly what they mean and we don’t always hear exactly what they are trying to say.

Before taking offense, stay calm, ask questions, repeat what you think you heard, clarify and make sure you understand precisely what is being said.

Doing this may rescue a potentially great relationship or save one you already have.

~Miscommunication: the failure to communicate clearly~

Proverbs 12:18 “Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 18:13 “He who answers before listening-that is his folly and shame.”

Proverbs 21:23 “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”

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King David’s relationship with his son Absalom, had been strained for several years, after Absalom killed his half brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13). And now, in 2 Samuel 15, we find David and a large group of loyal followers leaving Jerusalem when the king receives word that his son has launched a rebellion and is on his way to the city to overtake the throne. Once again David is running for his life, this time from his own child (2 Samuel 15-18).

After Absalom arrives in Jerusalem and discovers his father is gone, Absalom begins to plot how to find and kill him. One of David’s trusted advisors, Hushai, has stayed behind under the pretense of switching allegiance to Absalom, but undercover, he is relaying Absalom’s intentions and actions as they unfold, to David, by messenger.

Ahithophel, Absalom’s top chosen advisor, recommends rallying troops to go after David immediately, but after Absalom listens to Hushai’s counsel, he decides to follow his plan instead. After all, Hushai has been a close and trusted friend of King David and would have knowledge of the King that no one else does and Absalom, at this point, has no indication to distrust Hushai’s intentions.

Behind the scene, God is using Hushai to reverse Ahithophel’s strategy (which actually was the best one for defeating David) to bring disaster down on King David’s rebellious son, Absalom.

How it all ends is not the most important point of this drama. Let's spotlight on this scripture for a minute - 2 Samuel 17:23:

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.”(NLT)

Wow! When I read this I had to stop and consider, how many times in my own life, would I rather been dead than have my opinion rejected, ignored, overlooked? Maybe not literally dead, but the, “You don’t like what I believe or say so I’m going to pack myself up and cut myself off from you and anyone else who does not value what I think,” kind of dead.

This mindset is a growing norm in our society. People are polarizing around issues of government, politics, religion, ethics, morals, lifestyles and behavior. Everyone wants to be heard, be right, and all who disagree, on either side of the divide, are considered intolerant, hateful and narrow minded. It’s an all out, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” continuous brawl!

Many years ago, Mike went to visit a church member who was in a mental ward. As this guy shared his plight, he confessed there were things in his past he couldn’t let go of because he was right and “those people” were wrong. Mike asked him, “Would you rather get out of here or be right?” The man’s reply was, “I’d rather be right.” That man could still be in that psyche ward; maybe he died in there for all we know. Sometimes there’s a high price for always needing to be right.

Back in the narrative of 2 Samuel – Absalom thought he had a right to the crown but he died in the war that ensued as he tried to escape from some of David’s men that came upon him. They found Absalom hanging by his long, thick hair that tangled in a fat tree branch after his mule kept going and left him dangling there. And his big-ego counselor, Ahithophel, needed to be right so much, that he hanged himself all because his opinion went unheeded!

The only one really in the right here was David, who had already learned the hard way that being so is not more important than being king, being cast from God’s presence or falling out of relationship with a son or friend. Just a read through the Psalms of David allows us to see how he experienced the lessons of pride, humility, exaltation, brokenness, reliance upon self or trust in God.

Jesus laid down his rights to be right and died for us. Before doing so, He told us to love one another as He loved us (1 John 3:16). That’s a colossal assignment

When being right and having the last word becomes more important than relationships with people, God, or living a life of peace and contentment, serious trouble is brewing.

Don’t get ‘hung up’ on always being right. I’m painfully and slowly learning it’s better to humbly die to self, than be dead right; cut off from the Spirit of God in my life and those I am called to love and serve!

That’s way too great a price and one I’m not willing to pay, anymore.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite [humble] spirit.

Philippians 2:3-8 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

John 10:17-18 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life…No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.

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