I've spent a lot of time home alone with Jon the last fifteen years. But this 'home alone' is entirely new territory. Mike's physical presence missing in this house is tangible. Knowing he will never walk through the door again is haunting. It's just me and Jon now. I have no idea what our future looks like without Mike here. We depended on him greatly. He was fiercely loyal, responsible, a get it done kind of guy you could lean on. It's hard getting up in the morning and going to bed at night without him. The days ahead seem long and dismal. Everyone around me tells me I'm doing good. I don't know what they are seeing. Nothing seems good or right in this. I don't feel 'good'. The initial shock and numbness of Mike's sudden death is wearing off and the reality of doing life alone, without him in it, is settling in heavily. I wear it constantly, like a thick coat in a hot desert place. Yet in my constant sorrow, there is no struggle to trust God. So much I don't understand but I have not once blamed Him for any of it. There's no where else to go but to Him, so why would I push Him away? Why would I turn my back on Him? And knowing Mike is with Him gives me hope. I proclaim as did the disciple Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life" John 6:68. All the hard places in my life have taught me God can be trusted. This one is the highest level of learning so far. Leaning. Reaching. Longing for my Heavenly Father to fill me up with more of Himself. There's no where else to go. But to Him. So here I am Lord. The sun has risen again and I'm living another day you've given without my husband at my side. I surrender it to you. I surrender me to you. I surrender Jon to you. I have no answers. So much I don't know. But of this I am certain: TODAY we are Yours.

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Most of us have experienced sorrow in our lifetime. I certainly have. A child born with a disability. An illness that stoled my ability to do certain things. My grandmother and my parents when they died. A brother who has struggled with mental illness most of his life. Dreams that haven’t come true. Loss of friendship. Circumstances that took me down paths I never planned on. This current grief has taken me to an entirely new level, like nothing I’ve ever faced before. It is complicated. And messy. And confusing. It takes my breath away. Makes my heart feel like a rock inside my chest and haunts me with thoughts of packing a bag and fleeing to outrun it. It wakes me up in the night, fills me with dread, fear and tidal waves of sobbing I never knew were humanely possible. I never would have suspected anger to be part of grief. This emotion has surprised me the most. It sneaks up on me at the most inopportune moments and is triggered by ridiculous things. Like struggling to open a jar that I would normally hand to Mike and when the lid won’t budge I’m overwhelmed by a sudden urge to throw it across the room. I don’t know how many times in the past few weeks, I’ve said out loud to my missing man, “So where are you when I need you? Sure, you’re prancing around on streets of gold having the time of your life and I’m stuck down here with all this mess! Thanks a lot for leaving me!” I’ve found myself angry for having to do all the things he usually did. Taking the trash to the roadside on Tuesday nights. Dealing with the hurricane roof that needs to be replaced. The endless amounts of paperwork and phone calls and cleaning the pool. Most people hate pool maintenance but Mike liked it. Maybe because It’s mindless work. He used his brain so much overseeing the finances of entire organizations and managing people that cleaning tranquil water had a relaxing effect on him. Almost every night after work, he’d come home, change his clothes and go scoop out the pool. In the hot summer months he’d clean it while he was in it. The disadvantage of having a garden inside your pool screen is the leaf debris that ends up in the pool. Last week after a windy rain, I went to scoop leaves and floating flowers out of the water. The scoop pole is long and awkward, I kept smacking the screen frame and kitchen windows with it and it took me longer than I expected. Debris I just picked up would escape the net and I was getting frustrated. Mike always made it look so easy. I finally finished, slammed the pole back onto the hooks where it hangs and yelled up at the sky, “There! I cleaned the stupid pool! I did YOUR job and it looks nice! Aren’t you proud of me?!” Then I went back in the house and slammed the door. One minute later I was sobbing. It’s so confusing, this grief. While I’ve considered myself to a pretty stable person, the roller coaster I’m on right now surprises me with twists and turns I don’t see coming until I’m in them. I don’t like roller coasters. They fill me with fear and make me sick. I avoid them. But it seems I’ll have to ride this one out for a while. I do know God is in the seat next to me and He’s not surprised by any of it. He know’s I’m flesh. I’m week, flawed and tired and He doesn’t add guilt or condemnation on top of anything I feel right now. And I’ve lived long enough to know feelings are only reactions to stuff we don’t want, like or understand. They are the like mist rising off my pool on a cool Florida morning. Ascending, dissipating and rising again while the water remains, solid and steadfast underneath. I miss my Mike with everything in me and my tipsy, flimsy faith, reaches for the Solid One who undergirds me in all of life. God has been and always will be the constant who provides an anchor point where my faith and reality collide. This roller coaster will come to a stop and eventually I’ll get off and say, “Whew, what a horrible ride. But I made it.” Looking forward to that. A lot. I’m honestly admitting I don’t like where I am right now but when “I walk through valleys as dark as death…the Lord is with me” (Psalm 23:4). He’s with me in the anger, the sorrow, the sobbing, the confusion and even brief moments of joy. He’s bigger than my emotions and greater than my circumstance. He is my God. He weeps with me, loves me and isn’t freaked out by anything I feel or how I react to this new normal I’m adjusting too. I trust Him to carry me through this process and bring me out on the other side because “[my] Maker is [my] husband: the Lord Almighty is His name. He is [my] redeemer. He is called the God of all the earth” Isaiah 54:5.

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When I'm out with Jon until 2AM (or whatever time he decides to party 'til), I see a lot of humanity. It's true, the dark of night often brings out what is most broken in people. Last night I stood in line behind a man who'd obviously had too much to drink. He was loud and flirting with all the girls behind the counter. He seemed to be a 'happy drunk' at least. He turned around and started spilling words on me. I stood quietly looking at him; silently praying for him. Then a conversation started that went like this: Him: "Why are you looking at me like that?" Me: "Because you're talking to me and I'm listening?" Him: "Tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to pay for your order." Me: "Thank you. That's thoughtful, but not necessary." Him: "No, I insist. You know why? Cause I'm a kind hearted guy and my mom always told me what goes around comes around." Me: "Well, Amen to that. Your mom is right. Mom's usually are (I smiled). But those are actually the words of Jesus. He said, 'What you sow, you reap.' Same thing." Him: Don't Amen me now. I ain't going to church on Sunday. Me: "You should. It would be a great place for you to be. Sit your butt in church instead of on a bar stool." (I smiled again. So did he.) Him: "OK, so order. I'm paying." (He let me move ahead of him in line) Me: Alright then, I'll let you. The money you spend on me will be one less beer you buy and you'll be blessed besides." I ordered. He paid. I thanked him. He stayed a few more minutes talking to everyone who came in and waved to me when he left. As I ate my sandwich wrap and drank my tea, I prayed He would be overwhelmed by the love of Father God and his life changed forever. Jesus told us to go into all the world and spread the Good News and the good news is, we don't need a platform, audience or microphone to do it. We just need to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit as we encounter people out in our world, the places we move through as we do life. We are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). So what is truth? One man, Pontus Pilot, asked Jesus this question. The answer was standing right in front of him and like most of us, he didn't 'get it.' Jesus said to him, “I AM the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 And what is love? "God is love" 1 John 4:8. He doesn't just give love, His entire being, nature and character consists of love. Love is who and what He IS. Share The Truth and The Love with someone today? And ask the Spirit to help you do it, not with an attitude or an 'I-know-better-than-you' self righteousness, but in the truth and love of Jesus Christ. It's fun! And you never know what a planted seed might later produce in someone's life.

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When Job's friends show up with lengthy discourse on the reason for his suffering he tells them, "If only you could be silent! That’s the wisest thing you could do." Job 13:5

Keeping our mouths shut is sometimes the best thing we can do. We may have opinions, thoughts, and scriptures running around in our head like Job's friend, Elihu, (Job 32: 18-20) in regard to a person's situation, but it might not be the best time to speak. Job's friends were all trying to speak for God, chest bumping and ego wrestling with words and all Job wanted was some relief and comfort in his difficulty. Then God showed up and said, "Get ready for a difficult task like a man; I will question you and you will inform me! Tell me, if you know it all! (Job 38:3 & 18) In God's presence, they all realized they didn't know as much as they thought and in the end Job had no answer for any of God's questions but this: "But I have declared without understanding things too wonderful for me to know." (Job 42:3) Sometimes the smartest thing we can do, is just be quiet! Proverbs 17:28 "Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent."

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I’ve never tasted a fruit cake I like, but I’ve been thinking about them since my friend’s ten year old daughter, Rachel, had another one of her Heaven dreams. 

(See my earlier post about Rachel here:) http://aplacecalledspecial.blogspot.com/2013/05/heaven-is-here.html

She told her mom they baked a cake in Heaven made out of the fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22.  

“.. the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”

Rachel said, “It is good for our spirit because it is made out of spirit stuff. It is good for our bodies because it comes from our spirit into our bodies where we need it.”

 Maybe this fruit cake dream is a message and reminder that the fruit of the Spirit, which we tend to think of as individual traits, are connected; intertwined. 

Instead of wondering which one or two we need most, we are meant to see the need for ALL of them. 

So, how do we assimilate these fruit into our daily life? 

What exactly is the recipe for Spirit Fruit Cake?

Hunger (need)

The first step in the recipe is recognizing a need for these attributes; having a hunger to be more like Christ in every area of life and a desire to display His character in every circumstance.

When our stomach is hungry we have an insatiable craving to fill it and go to great measures to ensure our body is fed. 

Without a hunger for sustenance that feeds the spirit, it is doomed to shrivel rather than grow.

Worse yet, we are destined for a constant struggle to be good enough on our own.

I needn’t remind any of us how often that fails.

Mix (add all ingredients)

The New Testament speaks often of being filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18) and walking in the Spirit filled life (Galatians 5:16). 

When we receive Christ and are filled with the Holy Spirit the seeds of His fruit are planted within us. They are one of His many gifts that help us live the abundant life Jesus promised (John 10:10).

The growth of these fruit depend on our need and use of them. They develop in the watered and fertile soil of a heart surrendered to God.

1 Peter 1: 5-9 instructs us, with diligence, to “add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

This is not a buffet, picking and choosing the fruit we like or wondering which one or two we need most. 

Like any good recipe, one ingredient blends into the next and the full use of one fruit at work in us is hindered without incorporating the others; they cannot come to fruition alone.  

What good is it to be a patient person if we are not kind? Where is gentleness without love? How can we have longsuffering if we don’t possess self control? Is it even possible to have joy without peace? 

Gentleness, kindness, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control interact with one another to create the entire recipe in the Spirit Fruit Cake. 

Not one ingredient can be left out with an expectation for the finished product to turn out right.

Bake (turn up the heat!)

We all face daily situations that present us with opportunity to react in multiple ways. Here is where the trouble waits. 

How will we respond when the choice is callousness or kindness, irritation or patience, strife or peace, rudeness or gentleness?

To feed our body well and keep it healthy we have to make wise food choices. Denying our flesh the convenient route by making a salad, takes more thought and preparation than grabbing a candy bar.

Likewise, our natural response to adverse and annoying inconvenience is usually an unhealthy serving of selfishness and pride. Emotion takes over, words are unleashed and when the deed is done, regret and misery settle in where God’s peace and serenity should live.

If we ask, God meets our practice of these fruit at each situation we face, with unlimited grace and at the exact moment of need. 

Becoming intentionally aware of God’s amazing grace at work in our life, allows us to hold our tongue, curb our anger or see an irritating person from a different perspective. 

Only He can give us insight and discernment into what triggers our flawed reactions.

Developing the Fruit of the Spirit is a lifelong process. The more we practice the easier it becomes to react out of Christ-like love, instead of flesh and out of spiritual discernment rather than human emotion. 

At some point we more consistently respond with gentleness instead of harshness, patience instead of annoyance, gentleness instead of rudeness, joy instead of moodiness.

The Spirit of God takes dominance over self and others are now fed by the nourishing fruit within us.

Not where you want to be yet? Don’t despair, there’s plenty of fruit cake to go around.

 A steady diet of this recipe is recommended. 

And no calorie counting is required.

Colossians 1:9-11 “For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask…that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God..”

Colossians 1:27 "Christ in you,the hope of glory."

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 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping.But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. Genesis 45:4-8

(Read the entire amazing story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50).

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According to Proverbs eight, Wisdom is personified as a woman who goes into the busy streets of the city calling for those who would seek her. Many destructive voices constantly call mankind away from an upright life but Wisdom, according to the Message Bible, draws us to a life defined by good counsel, common sense, insight and virtue. These qualities are certainly needed in our current generation.

Wisdom's neighbors are listed as Sanity, Knowledge, Discretion, Wealth, Glory, Honor and a Good Name. She and her companions live at the intersection of Righteous Road and Justice Avenue. The real estate value of this space cannot be estimated! It is priced far above all wealth possible to obtain in a lifetime.

Proverbs also tells us Wisdom begins with fearing the Lord (Proverbs 9:10; 15:33). Fear, as the word is used here, does not mean to be afraid, but to show respect and honor. Proverbs 8:13 defines the fear of the Lord as hating evil, or hating the things God hates. Some of the evil God hates, is defined in chapter six and several other places in Proverbs. If I truly honor God, I will love what is good and hate what is evil, according to the standard that He sets, not the standards of society, culture or the world.

James said if we need wisdom we should ask God for it and He will give it generously to those who believe (James 1:5). If Wisdom is on the street corner calling loudly and God is so willing to give it to me, it shouldn't be hard to find. Many voices compete for attention above Wisdom's, but if I am listening intently and diligently seeking, Wisdom and I will discover each other and become good companions; in doing that I receive abundant life and God's favor.

So the important question is: what am I seeking and what voice am I listening to today?

Proverbs 8:34-35 (MSB) Blessed the man, blessed the woman, who listens to me [Wisdom], awake and ready for me each morning,alert and responsive as I start my day’s work. When you find me, you find life, real life, to say nothing of God’s good pleasure.

Psalm 51:6 (NKJ) You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

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Rebecca was doing what she did everyday when her knight in shining armor showed up on a white horse to ride her off into the sunset. Well…actually, no… her knight's family servant showed up on a camel to take her about six hundred miles across hot and dry terrain to a new husband she had not yet met.

While reading Genesis twenty four, it struck me that the young woman was performing the usual- going to the well at evening to get water for her family. How many times had she faithfully carried out that menial chore with no fanfare, nothing but boring female gossip going on there; another day of walking with a heavy jar on her shoulder to fetch water, then carrying a heavier jar back home.

But in one day everything changed. Abraham's servant showed up and Rebecca, being taught to go the extra mile in acts of kindness, watered his caravan of camels and in doing so became the answer to Abraham and Eliezer's prayer for a wife for Abraham’s son Isaac, the son of promise.

So many people in the Bible were carrying out routine and unassuming tasks of life when their "suddenly" occurred. In a day, everything changed.

David was in a field watching sheep when Samuel called for him to be anointed king. Moses was tending his father-in-law's herds when a fired up bush started talking to him about being a leader of the Hebrew nation. Gideon was threshing wheat when God told him he was to be general over an odd army that would send the oppressive Midianites on a run for their lives. Simon the old priest, was carrying out his usual temple duties when the Christ child came through the sanctuary doors to be dedicated and Peter, Andrew, James and John were fishing when Jesus walked by and turned their lives completely upside down.

So what about us? What are we doing day in and out that is ordinary, tedious or even boring and are we faithful in it? Jesus said in Luke 16:10, "One who is faithful in very little is also faithful in much". Faithfulness is what He is looking for. The small thing we are called to do today could open the way for our “suddenly”.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving Christ. Colossians 3:23-24

Be faithful in the usual like Rebecca was. Tomorrow could be that new and different day. You never know!

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Hurricane Sandy is way out to sea, some two hundred miles off the coast of Florida; still our weather has been affected by this storm for several days now, though not severely (thank goodness!) but with cloud cover (our solar hot water tank is sad), windy conditions (my potted plants keep blowing over) and intermittent rain showers (windows open or closed?). It's amazing how something so distant can have such far reaching affects.

The thought came to me as I looked out the window this morning at another rare cloudy Florida day; do I even realize what affect I have on others and how far the outer bands of my words, behavior and attitudes stretch?

We live in a society that shouts, "Live and let live!" and "What I do isn't hurting anyone so don't bother me." Not everyone will be caught up in the eye of our stormy actions but the ripple effect of every action we take may influence more than we know.

The people of the church in Philippi were instructed by Apostle Paul: "Whatever happens, conduct your selves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." (Philippians 1:27).

So Lord Jesus, remind us today that the outer bands of our life are affecting others, and grant us grace to take stock of every word, opinion and deed as our influence spreads far and wide.

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