by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 It’s a new year. A new decade.
In my life time, I’ve marinated in environments where it’s expected I should declare prosperity, health, blessings and all things good for the new year. And why not? Isn’t that what we all hope for?
But honestly, we don't know what a year will bring. I’ve had good years and others where things have gone horribly wrong, with no foresight of what was coming, no matter what I had declared at it’s start. Years where the collision of my bless-me-club-membership faith and actual reality shattered me into tiny pieces and everything I was certain of, understood and believed, lay broken at my feet.
As the years come and go I‘ve come to ask myself, are these declarations of only having what I define as good in life, nothing but a demand for God’s stamp of approval on what I want? Isn’t it arrogant to believe I can take a few scriptures mixed with my wants, my desires and throw them at God, as if He’s some genie in a magic bottle or cosmic vending machine, demanding He heal, prosper, alleviate, rescue me from every heart rendering circumstance of death, despair, disability and disillusionment?
Ask? Yes.
Declare and demand? No.
Maybe we should just declare that whatever happens God will be with us. In it all.
Maybe all He wants is us, not all our plans or demands. He just wants to be inside this life with us whatever that ends up looking like.
Maybe He just wants us to discover the simple certainty of this, He is Emmanuel. God With Us. He will not abandon or forsake us in 2020 or any other time.
And maybe knowing that is enough for a new year.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Good Morning Father. I’m awake.
Another day, and my first thought as always, is he’s gone.  Still.
His side of the bed unruffled. Comforter flat and wrinkle free. Pillows smooth and in place.
Here I am without him. Again.
I can’t do this widow thing. But You can.
I can’t do this single mom/caregiver of a grown son with disabilities thing. But You can.
I don’t have enough faith. But You do.
I am without hope. But You’re not.
I’m not strong. But You are.
So I will push this blanket back. Put my legs over the side of this bed and my feet on the floor.
I will stand and get ready for whatever this day brings.
I’d rather pull this blanket over my head and stay right here. But You’re with me.
He’s not here. But You are.
Thank You for never abandoning us. You and Your Son have not forsaken me and mine.
You have and are everything I need. I place my trust in You.
We will do this day together. Here we go.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I admit, I‘ve run out of words.
Well, ‘run out’ might not be the exact terminology. Words still exist, but they are a continuous whirlwind of thoughts, crashing into each other and shattering in uselessness to the bottom of my brain.
I‘ve been asked, why I‘m not writing and posting regularly like I was. When you can’t make sense of anything, expression can be difficult. Everything I once thought I knew, believed, subscribed to, seems trivial and irrelevant. All the knowing-of-things I once held dear, is nothing but the fluff of a spent dandelion blowing in a tornado.
I need to drown out the noise of this world, the constant chatter both past and present, ricocheting off the walls of my heart and mind. So many words and ideas others have spoken into me since childhood. Piled deep and high. I’ve been stripped inside to the nakedness of my soul and exhausted by years of ideas, opinions and dogmas I have heard and still hear.
Confession time? Complete honesty? All my cards laid out on the table? I‘m too tired to figure it out anymore. Too broken to put me back together. I‘ve reached the end of myself and I don’t care how unspiritual it looks. The mask is off. I can’t fake it ‘til I make it. Can’t stomach the cliches and pat answers I always thought were truth.
I am asking God to help me understand Him in ways I never have before. I am begging my Father to reveal Himself to me. Not from the interpretation of others. And not from my own contrived misconceptions of who He is. But for Himself.
What about Him do I not know? What about Him do I not understand? If I’m going to move forward from here I desperately need to hear His voice and understand His heart. For me. There’s little to say right now. I must be still and learn to know He Is God.
I‘m like Mary, who after the angel appeared to tell her she would bear God’s Son in human flesh, pondered all these things in her heart.
Or Job, who after striving with so much sorrow before his Creator, put his hand over his mouth and shut-up, realizing he had spoken things without knowledge, from the limits of human reasoning.
Or Paul, who considered everything he had ever accomplished prior to knowing Christ, the power of His resurrection and fellowship of His suffering, nothing but garbage. Manure. Useless.
The encouraging news in the dark night of my soul is this; even the dandelion, that blooms, withers and blows away, is rooted in solid ground and when the winter is over, lives again. Even the garbage heap can be recycled into new usefulness. Even the manure pile is tilled back into the earth to enrich a new harvest. In the fullness of time and the proper season of renewal, all can be restored.
So in this season, I exist on what I still know that I know to be true. God is good. He is faithful. He does not abandon. And He loves me. At present little else matters to me.
It is all the words I have. And it is enough.
For now.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I Am God.”
Luke 2:19 “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.”
Job 40:4-5 “I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further.”
Job 42:3 “I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Philippians 3:8-10 “ Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.”
Lamentations 3:22-24 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Matthew 28:20 “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Jon’s birthday was a few weeks ago, May 4th actually, and birthdays have always been a big deal around here. Mike made sure of that. He believed if God took the time to make you and put you here on this ball we call Earth, you mattered. You were valuable, thus birthdays were cause for celebration.
“No one should have to work or go to school on their birthday,” he’d tell me every year, that little scowl line erupting between his eyes over the unfairness of it all. “It’s a holiday. In fact you should have your whole birthday week off!”
Who could disagree with that? Mike would buy a cake, candles, balloons and ask the birthday person in advance, “What would you like for your birthday? Where do you want to go?” Then he’d make it happen. And he loved it.
I went to the store the day before Jon’s birthday. Bought a cake and candles and made sure he had a few gifts to open. I asked him where he would like to go, what he’d like to do, and made a few suggestions. Before I went to bed that evening I reminded him, “Don’t forget to think about what you want to do tomorrow Jon. It’s your birthday.”
He was standing in the kitchen and turned to look at me. “I don’t care,” he said and my heart broke into a zillion pieces. Again. I went to bed that night, cried into my pillow and cried out to my Heavenly Dad. “Help us please! We are so wounded. Heal us. Bring us to a place of new joy.”
“Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.“ Psalm 30:10
Jon never left his room on his birthday and we didn't go out. It was the first time in 38 years he didn’t want to hear the happy birthday song or burn the candles down to the frosting before he blew them out.
Several days later that unopened package of candles was tucked away in a drawer, when I finally cut the cake and gave him a piece with his dinner. Right now, the loss of Jon’s father in his everyday life, turns every special occasion into pain. The events we usually celebrate become mile markers for what is missing. Reminders of what was. This is the nature of grief.
Choking back tears, I gently replied, “It’s OK Jon. I understand. Maybe your next birthday will be better. Maybe next year both of us will care again. Let’s just keep asking Jesus to help us with that.” Maybe by next year or the one after we will celebrate.
Maybe then we will say, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12
Please Lord, let it be so.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I explained to Jon on the way to the hospital the doctor was going to give him some medicine to help him take a nap and would go inside him with a tiny, tiny camera to look around. I didn’t give him the medical term. Bladder Cystoscopy. After we arrived, nurses moved in an out of the blue curtains of the outpatient operating room waiting area. All of them pleasant, helpful and patient. “Here Jon, take off all your clothes. Put on this gown.” “Get in the bed, Jon.” “We need to put these stickers on your chest so we can check your heart.” “Is it OK if we put this blood pressure cuff on your arm now?” “You need this oxygen clip on your finger.” “It’s time to put the IV in. Can you give me your arm?” So many instructions. So much to process. The expressions rolling across Jon’s face like a fast forwarded movie, told me he was confused by it all. Our friend Judy, who came to be backup support, had quietly explained to several of the nurses, out of Jon’s hearing, that his father died recently and I knew Jon was thinking about that right now. No one else would know it but me. I saw the fear in his eyes. He walked to me, closer than usual and stared into my eyes. I asked him very quietly, “Are you afraid Jon?” He put his forehead against mine and answered, “I‘m going to be just like Dad.” I grabbed him close to me and started to cry. “Oh no Jon. You are not. You’re going to be OK, Honey. Dad didn’t die in the hospital. I know you still think he did but that’s not true. These doctors and nurses will take very good care of you and you will be just fine. And Judy and I will be here to take you home when you wake up.” I hugged him so hard and he didn’t resist, this son of mine who rarely wants to be touched, who usually flinches or shrugs my touch away. I heard nurses sniffling behind us. I‘ve yet to tell Jon how and where his father died. How do you tell this guy, “Your dad died in the front yard while he was home alone with you. While you were watching a movie in your room your dad went to be with Jesus.” How do you say that to him? What and how much to say about the traumas of life is always a challenge with Jon. He understands way more than people realize. Anyone who hangs out with him for long figures this out. But he has a hard time expressing what he’s thinking. The thoughts and words are stuck somewhere inside him and no one knows more than those who have gone through this incredible grief how healing it is to be able to say exactly what you’re feeling all the time. It’s part of the moving forward process. Does Jon need to know his dad died right here at home? Will that knowledge make him afraid of his home, the one place of safety he has in the world? And if he knows it, how will he ever be able to process it? These questions and uncertainties roll around in my mind at night and spring from me in the form of tears and prayers. I’ve asked Jon several times over the past few months if he wants me to tell him what happened to his father. So far he’s given no indication he wants to know the truth so until he does I guess I‘ll keep it at that. Maybe it’s better this way for both of us. I don’t know. For now I’ll keep asking God for wisdom. Discernment to understand my son’s heart and patience to deal with whatever arises with another sun. I‘ll keep reminding my son his dad may not be here with us anymore but Jesus is still and we’re going to be OK. Even when we’re afraid of all these new unknowns, even when it doesn’t feel good or safe, we can lean our forehead on His. We can tell our Savior, “I‘m afraid.” He will wrap us in His arms and reassure us, “I’m here. It’s going to be OK.” Psalm 56:3-4 “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 In October 2017, when my husband died, this sudden, life altering earthquake shook me to my core. Everything that was secure, safe and predictable took a seismic shift. I feel as if I‘m clinging to the edge of open ground, trying not to fall into the deep chasm it has created. If I‘m honest, I have no dreams right now and many moments I struggle to have hope. It’s daily survival mode around here. So where do I go from here? I’m still taking care of an adult disabled son who needs me and there are so many complicated layers to this dynamic I’m often at a loss to explain. Jon requires most of my breathing hours. I’ve heard I should have dreams, goals. I should allow God to resurrect them. I should go back to where they died and bring them back to life. But how? Where? When? At this point I can’t even recall any. My life has been spent supporting my husband and taking care of my children. There’s been very little of it that’s been about me and I’m not one bit sorry for it. My youngest son is grown and on his own now and my husband is gone. He’s not coming back. There’s no resurrecting that! As I talked to my Heavenly Dad about it this morning He spoke quietly to my heart. “Daughter, This is not complicated. YOU are MY dream. I AM your goal. Your dream should be to know you are LOVED by ME. Your dream should be to KNOW ME. Every other thing you do, have, want and become will flow from there. Walk with ME through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and Darkness. Don’t struggle so much to figure it out. Trust MY LOVE FOR YOU and let your dream and purpose unfold as we travel this road together.” I‘m not very good at this yet and I ‘m struggling to trust Him in this new, hard place. I have neither the energy or faith to dream but He has all the strength and faith I need. HE is my faith. HE is my source. HE is the wellspring of my life. Dreams that never existed can’t be resurrected BUT could it be, God can create brand new ones after everything inside me has died? For those of us who feel like it’s over and there’s nothing left to resurrect - Yes!! He can make all things new! Even ME. Maybe someday I‘ll dream again. That’s all I got for now and what I’m holding on to. Revelation 21:5 “And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 In March of 2017, Mike and I went on a seven day cruise with our son, David and our daughter in law, Clara. Finding someone to stay with Jon that long is rare, but our good friends, Lou and Thelma, graciously offered to hold down the home front for us. It wasn’t so much about where we went and what we did, but the opportunity to unwind and be uninterrupted together. It took Mike about four days to leave the weight of his many responsibilities behind. I watched his shoulders relax, the worry lines across his forehead fade, saw his dry wit and easy laughter return. And the fun of cruising got us talking seriously about his retirement when he turned sixty five, still five years away. Retirement seemed like a mute point to him without us having freedom to come and go. We needed a solution for Jon if we were going to be able to travel and do some of the things we’ve always wanted to do. On Friday of cruise week, he sat us all down at lunch, excited about a great idea he had. He wanted to build a caregiver house on our property and have someone live there to help with Jon. It would be a one time expenditure, something we could pay off, unlike life long residential care, and would provide a long term solution to our retirement challenge. The four of us agreed it was a good idea if we could convince the code and permitting powers that be, to approve it. In Mike’s typical get-on-it, gotta’-fix-it-now style, he started in as soon as we arrived home. Checking out tiny house architectural designs, taking out a loan, calling the city, arguing with permitting, lining up the general contractor, surveyor and land clearing. As usual, he began moving through the process methodically, with the weight of a freight train and the efficiency of an ant army. Before the concrete slab was poured, he was craigslist surfing and sale shopping, buying appliances, flooring, paint, sinks, faucets, lighting, a hot water tank and AC unit. All of which are still piled in packing boxes in the garage.  Things propelled into fast forward and we were excited to see block walls going up. The project was scheduled to be completed by the end of December. Then, in early October, my husband died. I put the project on hold, seriously considering bulldozing the whole thing down. Why care about retirement now? And why would would I want to travel or do anything without him? This was his dream for our future and he literally died at the door of it. That is where I found him when I came home that evening, leaving our future in ruins at my feet. This little house had suddenly become a reminder of all that was not to be and a barely completed weight added to the many new responsibilities I now had to carry alone. Every time I looked at it, it reminded me of life in my sorrow-filled season: sad, empty, incomplete, uncertain and burdensome. I began to hate that house, but realized God knew the timing of all this. It had been constructed far enough for me to see the foolishness and waste of tearing it down. So I resolved to finish it.  After four months it is back under construction (along with a new roof going on the house we live in, another project landing in my lap when Mike exited). My property is swarming with construction people this week. It is anything but peaceful here. Life is always under construction. Change comes. Ripping down. Rebuilding. Clearing away the old. Making space for something new. Some construction we look forward to and just as often, are the times we would never choose the abrupt, difficult and complete re-structuring we find ourselves in. Construction is loud, messy, noisy, annoying and feels endlessly incomplete. But it’s goal is for a finished product. A purpose. Something useful up ahead. Though I don’t see it, can’t feel it, and hate the place I’m in, I must believe God has my best at heart. Only He can complete me. “And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the day of Christ Jesus,” Philippians 1:6. My entire life is currently under construction. Fortunately, God is a patient master builder. He leaves nothing undone. While everything feels chaotic and uncertain, I’m hanging on to the hope of a finished product that glorifies Him and the promise of a future that looks to Jesus, ‘the author and finisher of my faith’ (Hebrews 12:2). And I pray something beautiful will rise up from the dust of this unwanted situation. “Come let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up” Hosea 6:1 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain..” Psalm 127:1
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I've been Pastor Mike's wife for many years. I no longer have a pastor husband and I’m no longer a wife. You don't realize how much of your identity is tied to your spouse until they're gone. Everything I thought I was changed in one day. I know who I am in Christ. That's not the issue. I just don't know who I am on this earth. Not without Mike. This isn’t a path I planned. The choice was made for me. It’s the beginning of a journey to discover my new 'alone' earth identity and everything within me is resisting this road I must travel. There is so much loss this side of Heaven and earth life consists of constant change. But where there is great loss the potential for gain is greater. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19. In this present wilderness, as I’m stripped of my former self, there’s no guarantee of what the future holds or what I will become. But God promises to make a way. He promises water in the wasteland and I want to trust the day will come when a ‘new thing’ springs up. I‘ll no longer be consumed by the past but will have hope for the future. No Lord, I don’t see it! Or perceive it. Not now. Don’t let me give up. Help me to keep moving forward. “He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5. I surrender it all to You. Trustworthy and True One. Make me new.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I've spent a lot of time home alone with Jon the last fifteen years. But this 'home alone' is entirely new territory. Mike's physical presence missing in this house is tangible. Knowing he will never walk through the door again is haunting. It's just me and Jon now. I have no idea what our future looks like without Mike here. We depended on him greatly. He was fiercely loyal, responsible, a get it done kind of guy you could lean on. It's hard getting up in the morning and going to bed at night without him. The days ahead seem long and dismal. Everyone around me tells me I'm doing good. I don't know what they are seeing. Nothing seems good or right in this. I don't feel 'good'. The initial shock and numbness of Mike's sudden death is wearing off and the reality of doing life alone, without him in it, is settling in heavily. I wear it constantly, like a thick coat in a hot desert place. Yet in my constant sorrow, there is no struggle to trust God. So much I don't understand but I have not once blamed Him for any of it. There's no where else to go but to Him, so why would I push Him away? Why would I turn my back on Him? And knowing Mike is with Him gives me hope. I proclaim as did the disciple Peter, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life" John 6:68. All the hard places in my life have taught me God can be trusted. This one is the highest level of learning so far. Leaning. Reaching. Longing for my Heavenly Father to fill me up with more of Himself. There's no where else to go. But to Him. So here I am Lord. The sun has risen again and I'm living another day you've given without my husband at my side. I surrender it to you. I surrender me to you. I surrender Jon to you. I have no answers. So much I don't know. But of this I am certain: TODAY we are Yours.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Jon's been to the sedation dentist five times in the past eight months. We still have two to three more appointments to finish all the repair needed and then there's the question of whether there'll be more in the future. There's always this thing about Jon's future (and not just his teeth). It wants to hang over me like a dark cloud, more than I care to admit. I don't worry about our son, David. I think about him everyday, but never worry about him. But Jon? Oh yes! I worry about him plenty and have for many years. The older he and I get, the more it weighs on me. Maybe this is normal for parents of kids who need care and supervision their entire lives. Is it? Or am I alone here? I can be having a conversation with you and in the far recesses of my mind I'm thinking about Jon. I can be at the grocery store, in a church service, on a cruise, visiting my grandson; I can be anywhere doing anything and Jon is present in my thoughts. He's always on my mind. Other's tell me, "Well you shouldn't worry so much. It's in God's hands." I smile and reply, "Thank you, that's true. You're right. Pray for me." But honestly, what I sometimes want to shout is, "That's easy for you to say!" So how do we trust God in situations that continue day after day, year after year? It's real. It's in our face every morning when we rise and every night when we lay down. How do we find peace and contentment in this place? Can I ever reach a place of total surrender here? Can I ever mature enough in God to never feel this anxiety again, even when nothing has changed? Can I get through a day without having to lay it down at Jesus' feet again and again? Today. Tomorrow. And the next day. Or the one after that. I don't know. I want to. Worry wears me out. It's exhausting. Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34) but in context, He was talking about material goods needed for life: food, drink and clothes. He wasn't talking about my son. Apostle Paul also wrote in Philippians 4:12 that he had "learned the secret of being content in every situation" but also related this to material needs; hunger, abundance and lack. He wasn't talking about Jon either. So I look at these: "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you.." Psalm 55:22. "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything." (Apostle Paul) Philippians 4:6. "..Cast all your anxiety on Him (Jesus) because He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:6-8. "Come to Me (Jesus) all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28. "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (Jesus) John 14:27. I read these promises and realize this worry free existence we hope for, may NOT be a 'I've finally arrived' deal. I wonder if we ever reach the pinnacle of ability to sail through a trouble filled earth life without angst. As believers in an all powerful and involved-in-life God, maybe we do ourselves and others a disservice when we expect to reach a super spiritual level of never worrying about anything, ever again, this side of Heaven. We read our Bibles and cliché these scriptures into meaninglessness, beating ourselves up for failing and feeling sub-standard for not measuring up. Could it be these promises aren't about removing worry from life permanently, but instructions for surrendering it daily? If "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen," (Hebrews 11:1) then everyday I need to lay what I hope for at His feet. Everyday while I wait 'for what I have not yet seen' I need His strength to battle the enemies of worry, doubt and fear. Everyday I pray. Everyday I cast my anxiety on Him. Everyday I come to Him for peace and rest. Everyday I run to Him with my problems. Everyday I choose to trust Him. Everyday I believe He loves me. Everyday I lay my questions, concerns, fears and worries before Him. Everyday I surrender Jon, his future and mine, back to Him. Today. Tomorrow. And the next day. And the one after that. The better question to ask is this: "Can trouble or problems or persecution separate us from His love?" Romans 8:35 When I remember I'm loved, it's easier to let go. When I remember I'm loved, I worry less. When I remember I'm loved, I breathe deeper. When I remember I'm loved, I surrender completely. "But in all these troubles we have complete victory through God, who has shown His love for us. Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from God's love.." Romans 8:38. In my daily surrender, God's love overtakes my worry. When His love is always on my mind, His love always wins. "..nothing in the whole created world—will ever be able to separate us from the love God has shown us in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:39. Nothing. Will ever! Not Today. Tomorrow. And the next day. Or the one after that. Hallelujah!
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Our story inspires people. At least, that’s what I hear. That’s what some tell me. I find that fascinating because it usually doesn’t feel the least bit inspiring while living it. It often feels frustrating, lonely, difficult, challenging, frightening and exhausting. But there’s one thing I’ve figured out about my wise, loving and mysterious God. He enjoys showing up in the middle of our mess! He loves to partner with us to make Himself known. If releasing the Hebrews from bondage was God’s only objective, He could have swooped into Egypt all by Himself and in any number of ways, set the Israelite nation free. So what was the long, drawn out process all about? The negotiating, petitioning, plagues and frustration. Moses was only doing what God had instructed. Why wasn't it easier? Scholars estimate the duration of all the plagues, until Israel’s release, was at least two months and possibly up to a year. The ancient Egyptians worshiped over 2000 deities. They had a god associated with every aspect of life; agriculture, fertility, water, rain, animals, death, insects, earth, sky, sun and moon. Even Pharaoh was thought to be a god. While delivering Israel, Jehovah was also trying to reveal Himself to the nation of Egypt as the One True God. The only way to do so was to prove His power greater over all the gods they imagined. Each plague addressed, at least one and maybe more, of their gods. In His mercy, God orchestrated this series of events to access the heart of Pharaoh and give him opportunity to change. But Pharaoh continually hardened his heart. The 'ahh-hah' moment never came. Pharaoh never accepted the revelation of a real God who cared enough about him to speak loudly and clearly, "I AM THE LORD!" not all these other things you worship. God will go out of His way to make Himself known. If only one Egyptian came to know the One True God in the middle of Israel’s mess, it was worth the struggle. Apparently some believed, because Exodus 12:37&38 tells us, "That night the people of Israel left Rameses and started for Succoth..a rabble of non-Israelites went with them.."  This thing you're going through right now might not be only for or about you. It might be so others see God's power at work in you while He is simultaneously orchestrating your solution. Don't be discouraged because your rescue, problem or promise is taking so long. Be patient. Trust the process. Remember others are watching. Someone else could be changed because of your faith and trust in a time of trouble. Someone else could see God's power at work in your struggle and have that 'ahh-hah' moment. "When I raise my powerful hand and bring out the Israelites, the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord" Exodus 7:5. Someone else could come to know He Is Lord, because of what He is doing for YOU! Exodus 9:29 “All right,” Moses replied. “As soon as I leave the city, I will lift my hands and pray to the Lord. Then the thunder and hail will stop, and you will know that the earth belongs to the Lord." Exodus 14:4 "I have planned this in order to display my glory through Pharaoh and his whole army. After this the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!” Exodus 14:17&18 "My great glory will be displayed through Pharaoh and his troops, his chariots, and his charioteers. When my glory is displayed through them, all Egypt will see my glory and know that I am the Lord!”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Not at our house. Jack Frost rarely nips at our nose (nor do we ever dream of a white Christmas), since we live in Florida. A few Yuletide carols may be sung by a choir at our Christmas service, but since Trinity is a non-traditional, contemporary church, even that's debatable. We will have a turkey this year, but no mistletoe and no tiny tots hanging around with their eyes all aglow. Just a Jon who gets up when he feels like it and takes five hours to open ten gifts. According to this picture perfect Christmas song, our chances for a Merry Christmas are poor indeed. We score about one and a half out of five. Are you feeling it right now because your Christmas isn't Hollywood perfect? Cheer up, the first one wasn't any better: An unwed, teenage mother. No baby shower, but plenty of rumors. A disgraced marriage. An annoying, inconvenient, tax-registering trip. A baby born in a barn (with no nurse, diapers or cradle). Scruffy shepherds as newborn visitors. A jealous king sending out spies and assassins. An emergency escape by night to another country. The truth of Christmas is that God willingly jumped over-His-head-deep into the chaos of earth's struggles. The First Christmas was so...human. It was scandalous. It was messy. It was so earthly, many passed right on by. And because His arrival seemed nondescript to most, people missed its significance. And still do.  If it's not "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" for you and a Norman Rockwell or Thomas Kinkade Christmas depiction is not happening where you are; happiness disregards you, money is tight, relationships stressed, someone deeply loved is gone and greatly missed, or possibly your only Christmas wish this year is for yourself or a sick loved one to heal, there's no need to collapse in despair. No need to feel alone. No need to be paralyzed with fear. Real life doesn't stop for Christmas. BUT! Christmas came to invade every detail of our messy human existence and inundate whatever is occurring in our personal universe at the moment. God came to us as one of us and He understands. He will walk with us through it all if we let Him. Stop, surrender and make room for Him this Season. And have yourself a Very Merry Messy Christmas now! "Christ, by highest heaven adored; Christ, the everlasting Lord; Late in time behold him come, Offspring of the Virgin's womb. Veiled in flesh the Godhead see; Hail the incarnate Deity, Pleased as man with man to dwell; Jesus, our Emmanuel! Hark! the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King!" Home For the Holidays - painting by Norman Rockwell, 1950 Christmas Cottage - painting by Thomas Kinkade, 1990 "Hark The Herald Angels Sing," Charles Wesley, 1739
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
I watched it, from my kitchen window, fluttering against the screen, desperate to get out. The butterfly was trapped. It flew in through the large roof opening of our pool frame, a hole the hurricane left behind when a screen came loose in the wind.  The butterfly showed no interest in the array of flowers we've planted inside, it wanted out and bumped along the side panels until it needed to rest, finally clinging to the screen instead of flying against it. I dried my hands, grabbed a Rubbermaid container and lid and went out on the deck. I figured if I could trap it inside the container I could set it free, but it flew off before I could catch it. I grabbed the pool scoop, the thing that looks like a large butterfly net, and followed the creature, gently swiping at it as it darted and glided above my head. Opening the screen doors on each end of the enclosure, I attempted to guide it to freedom, but it flew too high or darted away in another direction. Butterfly obviously didn't understand my good intentions. It couldn't believe I was concerned for its welfare, though several times it was only inches from the open door. "You're so close! Come on Butterfly. Work with me. I know this is scary for you but I'm trying to help you here. Why can't you understand, I'm just trying to help you be free?" Eventually the butterfly exhausted itself and rested again, on a side screen, within reach and I gingerly set the Rubbermaid container over it and slid the lid underneath. The frightened creature panicked and crashed violently against the walls of the plastic prison. I carefully carried it outside, far away from the pool enclosure and lifted the lid. The butterfly burst from captivity and soared away above the trees in a joyous dance of freedom. In every place where my mind, heart and soul are trapped, every obstacle I so violently and fearfully bump up against, every towering wall I encounter with no escape, God is on a continuous rescue mission to set me free. He is there waiting, as I kick against my prison walls, believing I must find my own way out. He longs to show me how to soar. He patiently moves me closer to the open door, closer to liberty, while my heart flutters in fear and my soul lifts in pride. My Merciful Father patiently waits until I retreat in exhaustion and there, submit to the gentle nudge of His heart to my own. "Come on Daughter. Work with me. I know this looks scary and you don't understand, but I'm trying to help you. I'm just trying to set you free. Trust Me." With gentle restriction He apprehends me, changes me, and then sets me free to rise above the challenges of my own thoughts, heart and life. Wings are not meant to fly against obstacles, but over them. Wings take us places we can't normally go. Wings are meant for freedom. Today, I submit to God's capture. I will Trust Him, because soon, confinement will be over. Freedom will come at last. And I will soar. Isaiah 40:31(NKJ) “but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings..” Acts 26:14-15 (AMP) “ And when we all had fallen to the ground, I heard a voice in the Hebrew dialect saying to me, ‘Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me? It is hard for you to kick [repeatedly] against the goads [offering pointless resistance].’ And I said, ‘Who are You, Lord?’ And the Lord said, ‘I am Jesus..” Galatians 5:1 (ERV) “We have freedom now, because Christ made us free. So stand strong in that freedom. Don’t go back into slavery again.” John 8:36 (ESV) “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I awoke at 3:42 AM in a heart racing panic and find myself at this place more often than I care to admit. It weighs heavy in the back of my mind, no matter how I try to push it away, the unknown haunts me. What will become of my son when we are no longer here? With the passing of every year, every birthday, his and mine, the question looms larger. So I guess it's confession time. It's time for me to admit, to say it out loud; I don't trust God in this. My re-occurring fear and worry prove it. I'm convinced no one will take care of him as well as I do, after all I Am Mom and have invested most of my life here. Other than Mike, who else will care enough to do that? I don't know and the not knowing eats at me, plagues me and some days, consumes me. Trusting God with a child is a tall order for any parent. We are so hands on, heart invested, all in, with our kids and it's easy to default back to a place of worry. But a child, who needs continual, life time supervision and assistance, elevates investment levels to exponential heights. So often I feel like the dad who brought his son to Jesus and cried out, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" Maybe Jesus understands this parental desperation more than we know. He healed the boy in spite of dad's wavering faith. And that gives me hope. I've thought a lot about faith. What is it? How does it work? What should it look like in my life? Honest questions from a girl who grew up in a church culture equating struggle, disaster, illness, and tragedy with a condemning lack of faith; feeling failure and shame whenever my sunshine, lollipops and rainbow life disappeared behind onimous black clouds for a season. Understanding what it means to really trust God has been a huge re-learning process for me. I've seen His unlimited goodness and faithfulness through the years, in both the easy and hard places of my life, but realize I'm still lacking when it comes to radically abandoned trust. I've also lived long enough in my Heavenly Father's amazing grace to understand we are always in process. Every day and every situation brings new opportunities for my faith to rise to higher levels. An infant isn't a full grown adult one week, one month or even a year after he is born. He grows incrementally day after day, over the span of many years. And we don't condemn him for it. A twenty year old will not have the wisdom and experience of a seventy year old. Full maturity comes with time and age. We know instinctively this is the natural order of things, yet we Christ followers can beat ourselves and others up when we are not spiritual giants overnight. Wayne Jacobsen ( thegodjourney.com) put it like this: "I like the process of God winning us to trust. It's not that we should trust Him or have to act like we trust Him even where we don't. God wins us...I think life puts us in different points of extremity..but those opportunities when He says, "OK, we're going to go deeper here, you're going to get to learn to trust Me more"...I think all of my days I'm still going to find myself in places going, "OK, my trust doesn't extend here yet, but God let it." Maybe that's the Author and Finisher of our faith, He's going to grow it into a reality...the faith I live in today was not mine to produce but [grew as] I cooperated with Him." When Jesus calls out his followers with, "Oh, you of little faith," we see it as a negative, a criticism, a scolding, but maybe it was more of a reminder than a rebuke. After all, He said we only need faith the size of a mustard seed to throw a mountain into the sea (Matthew 17:20). A mustard seed is slightly larger than a grain of sand. That's tiny! Could He be telling us we don't need as much as we think, we just need to exercise what we already have and watch it produce? After all He does the work, the miracle, the impossible. We just do the believing. There's a tension, a balance, between planning for the future and worrying over it and our manual for living, the Bible, addresses both. Proverbs 6:6-8 tells us to consider the ant who stores up and plans for the days ahead. Jesus tells us to consider the lilies who don't fret or toil but are clothed in beauty by the Provider of all things (Luke 2:27-40). While we plan as much as possible for Jon's future, we must trust God with the rest. We do our part and believe He will do His, because He always has. Today, I absorb what Apostle Paul stated in Philippians 4:6-7, into my heart, mind and spirit, "Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ." So Lord, today, I give Jon and his future back to You. Once again, I lay him at your feet and place him in Your capable hands, knowing You have a good plan already in mind for him. I thank You for it, even in my inability to see or control it. I may need to do this again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, Father, but I offer my mustard seed faith to you, thankful for Your patience while it grows into larger trust I have yet to obtain. Lord, I believe. Please touch those places in me where I don't believe, those areas filled with doubt, worry and fear. I give them, along with my son, to You and thank You for never giving up on me but continuously calling me into Your amazing faith, trust and peace. Today I choose I choose Faith. Today I choose Trust. Today I choose You! "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." ~Corrie Ten Boom Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Proverbs 6:6-8 "Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Luke 12:27 “Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
I know someone who never stayed - for anything - marriages, children, jobs, family, friends. Offended? Leave. Conflict? Forget it. Difficulty? Run. Everytime. As soon as the next bump in the road arose (small, medium, large, mountains, molehills, anthills) it was time to run again. And again. And again. Burning every bridge until nothing was left. Then the Golden Years arrived. A time to reap the benefits of staying: Children. Grandchildren. Retirement. Relationships. Friendships. Money saved. Home owned. Travel. Wisdom. Influence. Respect. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing but sad alone-ness, with barely enough to sustain an existence. Life's garden had become a barren weed patch with no harvest in sight.  Though it's never too late to start over, the rewards of staying aren't instant. They build slowly and mundanely over time, growing with consistency, routine, responsibility, trust, effort, plodding, endurance, work, sacrifice, discipline, selflessness. Days turn into seasons. Seasons into years. Years into decades. Decades into a lifetime. Of course, there are certain circumstances where staying isn't wise and it's beneficial to move on, but staying can never be based on feelings. It's a choice and often an act of love, paying great dividends, offering stability and bringing reward. Eventually. Jesus, on the night of His arrest, told His friend Peter, "I could call on my Father to send more than twelve legions of angels to help me now. But how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say this must happen?" (Matthew 26:53-54) He stayed all the way to brutal death on a cross, all the way to, "It is finished." He chose to endure the cross "for the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2). What was that joy? I believe it was restoring relationship with Me and You! He stayed for Us! In the short term, cut and run may look easier, but as a habit, it perpetuates an accumulation of poor decisions. The decisions of today become tomorrow's reality. Before quitting, be honest about the possible long term consequences. Take time to think and pray about the influence of this decision on tomorrow and all the tomorrows after. Never underestimate the power of staying. Plod on. Don't give in. Don't give up. Stick it out. Keep the faith. Stay the course. Sow the harvest. Enjoy the journey. And EVENTUALLY.. ..reap the rewards. "Success is measured, not by how we start, but by how we finish." ~ Mike Connis "Let us not get tired of doing good, because in time we'll have a harvest if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9 "And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom." Luke 9:62 "I press on toward the goal.." Philippians 3:14 "The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full light of day." Proverbs 4:18 "Matthew 7:24-25 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock."
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
For years, after a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis at the ripe old age of twenty six, I asked, begged, pleaded and tried to brownie-point my way into God's good graces for a healing miracle. I doubt there's ever been a call for healing or an offer of prayer in my life I haven't responded to. I've been prayed for, in the past thirty plus years, more times then I'll ever remember and I still believe and know that I know that I know, God can and does miraculously heal! He can heal me right now while I'm typing this with two crooked fingers. No one knows how to make the crooked straight like my Heavenly Father. But He hasn't. Not yet anyway. One day, I asked Him if he was tired of me asking for healing - again! I was tired of begging and told Him so. Seems as if most of my prayers were all about me and honestly, I was tired of me. The thought immediately downloaded into my heart and mind. "Don't you know your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit?" For several days, I went to bed and got up in the morning with this question stalking me. I couldn't shake it. "OK, God. Yeah, I know that. I've read it a zillion times. So what are you trying to say?" I went and looked up 1Corinthians 6:19. "Do you not know that YOUR BODY is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who LIVES IN YOU and was GIVEN BY GOD? You do not belong to yourself." "You do not belong to yourself." The answer came in the gentlest way. "I could heal you today but you will be sick again in six months. You are not giving your body what I designed for optimal health. You are not fueling it properly." I was stunned. After years of expecting an instant fix, this was not what I had in mind. After all I had cut my teeth on living a faith-filled, easy believe-ism, ‘God said it and He’ll do it’, name it and claim it, speak it and see it Christianity, which included the doctrine of healing. In the meantime, my ‘temple’ was systematically falling apart and in a severe state of disrepair. I had a big decision to make; keep doing what I'd been doing and stay sick or make a drastic change and get better. I was set on a path of discovering what God’s Health Plan is and has always been for the human body, the temple He resides in, and I had a lot of work to do. I could write a book about my health journey from that day until now but I will just say, life has changed for this gal. I've learned and am still learning much; reading, researching, praying and asking for discernment and wisdom.  In this internet age there's plenty of information out there, some of it misleading, but I'm encouraged to ask for wisdom from my Father (James 1:5). Who else knows better what my body needs to operate optimally but the one who made it? I don't examine anything without first asking God to show me what I should accept or disregard. He's been my best teacher. Though still limited by severe joint damage, I've been off all medications for over ten years. Four years ago when I started having reoccurring outbreaks of urticaria hives, I kicked it up a few notches and went for a ninety percent plant based plate. The hives return only when I stray too far from this plan. I'm now convinced many of the chronic diseases we deal with come from our SAD (Standard American Diet) way of eating. If I know I can't fuel my car on anything but what it was designed for, gas and oil, why do I think I can continue to pack my body full of non-nutrient, processed, chemically laden, hormone and antibiotic induced meat, packaged food and obsessive sugars, stuff it doesn't recognize as food or fuel, without eventually suffering a breakdown. We are well fed, but not well nourished. We are stuffed, but not full of life giving, cell restoring nutrients. Yep, it's certainly easier to microwave a hot dog and grab a cupcake then cut up veggies. It's more fun to suck down a couple Diet Cokes then drink a glass of water with a lemon wedge floating in it. But I am living proof that a lifetime of hot dogs, soda and their nutrient deficient relatives don't make a body happy in the long term. I'm also living proof that reversing this trend keeps every cell inside me smiling and thankful. As my eating choices improve, I can almost hear them screaming to each other in pure exhilaration, "Hallelujah! She's finally figuring it out!!" Eating well is mostly common sense and I find many people instinctively know what they should and shouldn't be swallowing. Following a healthy lifestyle is difficult, when tantalizing junk food constantly surrounds and entices us, but as my always wise husband says, "Everything that is worth it will probably be hard." Since my body ultimately belongs to God, I believe He wants my temple, the place where He resides, to be full of health and vitality more than I do. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-16). He says this body He made for me is a miracle. I need to be a good manager of this miracle, which includes what I put in my mouth. Healing can come in ways we don’t expect and good health starts with me. It begins in my grocery cart, in my kitchen, on my plate, with my fork and with grace and strength for every new day. God and I will do this. Together. Genesis 1: 29-30 “ Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.” “Let thy food be thy medicine and thy medicine be thy food” ~ Hippocrates ”The doctor of the future will give no medication, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, diet and in the cause and prevention of disease.” ~ Thomas A Edison “Sickness is the vengeance of nature for the violation of her laws.” ~ Charles Simmons
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 It's no one's fault," the doctor in my hospital room said, the morning after our son was born. "These things just happen sometimes." Our newborn baby had Down syndrome and as the doctor began to explain the possible long term outcomes for him and our family, my heart raced in panic. My mind filled with a cloud of fear. "NO! This can't be happening! Not to my baby! Not to me! Not to us!" Isn't that how it goes when we're faced with circumstances beyond our control? When our carefully thought out plans are suddenly ambushed? We're cruising through life, a few bumps and glitches here and there, but nothing we can't handle. Then suddenly..Wham!! We find, not just the proverbial rug pulled out from under us, but the floor too. The ground has just opened up and swallowed us whole! And when we're done free-falling, we have to find a reason. The 'Why' must be answered. It has to be SomeOne's or SomeThing's fault. A friend sent me a card once that read, “Life is all about how you handle Plan B.” Plan A is what you want. Plan B is what you get and I wasn’t dealing well at all, with what I got. I fell into absolute despair trying to figure out what I did to cause my child's disability. For months it filled every waking moment and many sleepless nights. Those pesky, "I should have" and "I shouldn't have" scenarios, plagued my thoughts constantly. There was plenty of help in the guilt department from well meaning folks. Everything from, "You should of eaten more potatoes while you were pregnant," (no kidding) to "You must have bad sin hiding someplace in your life for God to punish you like this." Apparently there was a rash of babies born with Down syndrome at the time. In an attempt to find a common denominator (or something to blame) the Department of Health and Human Services for the State of New York called when Jon was about a month old to ask if they could survey me. "Do you live near power lines? How long have you lived there?" "Have you ever taken drugs? Did you take drugs while pregnant?" "How often do you drink alcohol? Never? Occasionally? Once a week? Everyday?" "What kind of make up do you wear? What brand of laundry detergent do you use?" After an hour long barrage of questions, I hung up the phone more convinced than ever I was the cause of my son's diagnosis. When I finally gave up blaming myself I turned my angst on God. He could have prevented this but didn't. It was His fault and I was mad. What kind of God did I believe in anyway? An overwhelmingly devastating question for me, since we were fresh out of Bible college and my husband was just beginning a lifetime of pastoral ministry. Though it seemed artificial to be so angry at God when my husband was a pastor, and I, the pastor’s wife, anger was all that made sense at the time. It was the easiest life raft to cling to. We see it in the daily news continuously. A crisis occurs, a shooting, tornado, flood, fire, mudslide, plane crash, death, violence or destruction. The talking heads start in, opinion-ating, analyzing, philosophizing and finally conclude with, "Something must be done to make sure this never happens again." Either people want to believe they have this much power, this much control, or placing blame is just a coping mechanism for the unanswerable and unexplained. Sometimes there is someone to blame but more often not. Sometimes stuff just happens because we live on a fallen, broken and sin cursed planet. Finding possible solutions is useful but the blame game often goes around in a monotonous circle until we are divided and estranged, from each other and from our only source of hope. God. It seems God is blamed for most everything that goes wrong, by people who barely acknowledge His existence the rest of the time or bother to thank Him for any of the good and right in life. In his book, Reframe. From the God We've Made to the God With Us, Brian Hardin said it this way: "We don’t usually start with God, but if we can’t find an answer we often end up there. God has become the cosmic trash heap for all humankind’s unexplainable suffering. He’s apparently got His hands in everything from tornadoes to human trafficking. From cancer to the reason the car wouldn’t start this morning. And this is the God we’re supposed to be in a relationship with?" If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: I can't control everything that happens to me, to those I care about or to the world at large. And I don't have to figure everything out, don't have to know all the answers. I only have to admit and own what I'm responsible for and trust my Heavenly Daddy has a greater plan and purpose than I can see. He will bring justice in His time. He will make everything right in His way and acceptance of this truth, deep in my heart and soul, not just my head, brings peace in a frenzied world. And for all my initial distress, despair, crying, sighing, shouting and blaming, my son turned out to be a blessing, a unique treasure God values and loves. Someone who is always teaching me the art of selflessness, drawing me closer to the heart of my Father. I eventually laid it down, the miserable scrutinizing, finger pointing and fretting over who or what was at fault. It was exhausting and served no purpose. Blaming drained life from me and returned nothing. The blame game was over and I lost. But I'm no longer a sore looser, just a grateful one. Job 40:1-5 The Lord said to Job: “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” Then Job answered the Lord: “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer—twice, but I will say no more.” Romans 9:20 "Who do you think you are to talk back to God like that? Can an object that was made say to its maker, “Why did you make me like this?” John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Cleaning Jon's room makes me mad! I'm confessing, putting it out here for all to read. Every time I clean his room I battle a huge bad attitude. One way to deal with my anger has been to give it a name, "The Landfill", and to play worship music on my iPad as loudly as possible while cleaning. The past few days we've been seeing little gnat things flying around the house and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. I do a quick check in Jon's room every other day or so, making sure nothing's growing or moving that shouldn't be and about once a week, do a more thorough clean and sheet change. Yesterday, I decided it was "Landfill" cleaning day. Mike was home so he helped me with the vacuuming and I was sorting through Jon's usual piles of stuff on the floor and in crates making sure everything was kosher, when I found it buried under a pile of stuffed animals, a personal size Rubbermaid cooler that he had taken from a cabinet in the laundry room. I opened it to see what was inside and a fleet of gnats flew up in my face. After they lifted off, I noticed the bottom of the cooler was alive and moving with hundreds of little gnat larva. They were living off some sort of food science experiment growing in there. Horrified, I screamed, slammed the top shut, grabbed it, ran to the front door and heaved the cooler as hard as I could into the yard. I slammed the front door closed and jumped around in the foyer for a few minutes, totally grossed out, itching, shaking and hollering, trying to get hallucinatory gnats off of me. Once that subsided, incredible anger took its place. I stomped into the kitchen and yelled at Jon for two minutes straight while he stared at me like I'd just lost my mind then I went back in his room, still freaking out, and tried to tell Mike I'd found the source of our gnat invasion. "I can't hear anything you're saying. You've got the music so loud it sounds like a Pentecostal church service in here. Turn it down so I can hear you." Mike hollered over the music. I yelled back, "Listening to that music is the only way I get through cleaning this room so you best be glad it's playing. I'm so mad right now if that music shuts off I'm gonna’ smack someone, and hard!" We scrubbed the daylights out of Jon's room for the next hour. I reluctantly searched every nook, cranny, box, crate, bag and pile in there and in his bathroom. I threw every thread of bedding and fabric I could find in the washing machine and got Jon in the shower. He even let me wash his hair, possible penance for what he'd just put me through, though I'll never know for sure. A few hours later, after I was sure everything was clean and back in order, I finally calmed down. Last night I prayed. Though yesterday’s clean was more than unusual, I asked God to show me why I become so angry every time I clean Jon's room. God knows my heart better than I, and I want to understand what is triggering this anger inside of me. The answer came in my prayer as I poured my heart out before my Heavenly Daddy. "He's thirty five, I shouldn't have to still clean his room and it's not fair that I do. We should be empty nesters now and only cleaning kid messes after grandchildren visit." As much as I love my son, cleaning his room is evidence that this didn't turn out as I'd hoped and hope disappointed triggers many reactions and emotions. We often don’t recognize their source. Like we didn't know where the gnats were coming from, I didn't know where my anger was coming from until I searched, until I asked. Now that I know, God and I can start working on it together; one more area where grace can replace reaction, where a servant heart can replace selfishness. Recognizing my shortcoming is the first step. Asking God to help me change is the second. He loves me too much to leave me as I am, yet He is gentle enough to expose and change my selfish heart one layer at a time, even if it takes a plague of gnats to motivate me. Confession is good so I pray I'll soon have a heart of joy and a song of praise at all times, even in "The Landfill". But. Please. Lord. (Shivverrrr) minus all creepy, crawly, cringy, critter things! Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry and sin not, don't let the sun go down on your wrath or give place to the devil." James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed."
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Caregiving is selfless work. Problem is, I'm not selfless. Not yet.  I've grown through the years I've been doing this overtime parenting/caregiving thing, but honestly, I still have a long way to go. There are times when I still struggle and it seems too hard, too frustrating, too confining, too self sacrificing, too...much. But love moves me forward another day. I love my son and he needs me, whether he realizes it or not. So I rise in the morning with new mercies, new grace and make the most of both the imperfect and fantastic days we are blessed to have. Comparison is a luxury I can't afford. Neither can you. When we start comparing our life to others our thoughts can travel into dangerous territory. Some comparisons that might spiral me into dark places: They go on vacation. We can't. They get in their car and go whenever/wherever they want. I can't. Their thirty something year old kid is self sufficient. Mine isn't. They don't have to worry about what will happen to their grown child when they're no longer here. I do. There's plenty more of these, but you get the idea. I can't allow my mind to dwell on what they are doing. Such thinking has to be 'taken captive' (2 Corinthians 10:5) and serves no purpose but a downward spiral into self absorbed misery. What I can think on is God's goodness; His provision, grace, strength and blessing. I have a roof over my head. I'm not hungry. I'm in functioning health. I have support from a good husband, caregivers, church and friends; a decent car to drive when I can get away, a yard full of awesome plants to enjoy and a son who only needs constant reminders to attend to his own basic physical needs. And some times, even while being grumpy and stubborn, Jon’s quirky, humor makes me smile. Things to be thankful for outnumber the they comparisons and inconveniences, two to one. Jesus modeled selfless caregiving when He loved me enough to lay aside His Heavenly crown, take on flesh and come to an Earth originally created in perfection by Him and utterly broken by the degradation of His greatest creation - man. The Ultimate Caregiver came to serve and give His life away. He came to provide solutions for the desperation of humanity and offers the grace and strength I need to serve and care as He does. Faithfully Patiently Cheerfully Lovingly Sacrificially Selflessly I pray everyday, as I struggle to set ‘me’ aside again, for the benefit of my son and for others, that I will emulate Christ’s love in some small way. Because true love lives to serve. John 13:4...he [Jesus] got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (NIV) Matthew 20:26-28 "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 1 Peter 5:7 ESV Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Isaiah 41:10 ESV Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
My friend was married a few days ago. As 'best woman' I stood with her, my heart about to burst for joy, knowing what a long, long walk it was to that ceremony.  And I'm not referring to the stroll from the parking lot of the New Hampshire state park, up the frost-heaved sidewalk, onto pine needle dusted soil and down the center of the outdoor pavilion to a wall size fireplace, where the wedding took place. I'm talking about a lifetime of hurt, pain, shame, guilt, addiction, rage and change. We are often victims of man's free will. It’s natural to recoil when wounded, especially when the hurt isn't our fault. Then reactions become decisions, piling up and building insurmountable walls of defense. During the past twenty years I watched my friend kick, scream, cry, fight and forgive for a hard won freedom. She was willing to do what it took to excommunicate the demons of her past and experience an internal peace and liberty. She faced every challenge head on. It wasn't easy. And required unusual determination, endurance and more time than most are willing to wait. I was privileged to walk beside her for most of the process. We talked, laughed, prayed and cried through many hurdles as she gave in and gave up to the beautiful grace of God at work in her heart, over and over and over again. As the years flowed by I watched a slow but amazing metamorphosis; a hard, angry heart turned marshmallow soft, a dry lump of clay gently crafted into a useful vessel of outpoured love. The butterfly has emerged from the dark days of the cramped cocoon to fly freely into joy. There is no sin, no shame, no wound, no hurt, no scar that the merciful love of our Heavenly Father cannot heal when we surrender our life to Him. He takes any and every broken and yielded piece of us and makes it new. He restores all damage, makes us whole, forever erasing the pain of yesterday. When God renews, old things are passed away, sorrow and ashes turned into beauty. We are raised up to a life filled with promise and a future full of hope. I've watched and tasted this. In myself, in others and especially in my beautiful friend who at long last has been restored to love and trust; so evidenced by the large and diverse group of people who came to celebrate this special day. God's love was tangible, undeniable, surrounding all of us. Knowing we are loved changes everything. My friend finally knows, without a hint of doubt, she is valuable and she is loved. Of utmost importance, by God. Also by others. And by the incredible guy who took her as his bride. Freedom is such a beautiful thing. John 10:10 "The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." ~Jesus 2 Corinthians 3:17 "Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty." Luke 4:17-18 “..the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him [Jesus]. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free..” "Everyone wants to change the world but no one thinks of changing himself." ~Anonymous
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I had a dream the other night. Jesus was calling to us, all of humanity. Gently imploring, "Come to me. Bring me whatever you have, whatever you are. I love you exactly as you are so come." I was in line with a great crowd of people who were moving toward Him. Some were holding a thimble full of their stuff, some were pushing a wheel barrow full and others were driving dump trucks! It didn't matter to us or Him, what any of us had or the size of it, we were just joyfully relieved to be giving it all to Jesus, the good, bad and indifferent parts of us. He was willingly receiving it all and was pleased. Then I woke up. I'm thinking the point of my dream is this: God isn't messed up or surprised by who you are, where you've come from or what you've done. He just wants you to come to Him. Lay everything down before Him and allow His love to fill you, bless you and change you. He's calling my name and yours. He's patiently waiting. So what are we waiting for? Quit looking at my stuff and I'll quit looking at yours. Let's just go - together. Matthew 11:28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”(MSG)
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
There’s a program I like to watch on TV about competing teams of interior designers who are given several hundred dollars for the challenge of choosing a few flea market items to refurbish and re-sell at the same flea market for a profit. The team that sells their re-designs for the highest earnings receives all the money at the show’s end.
The designers choose objects that are broken, worn, damaged, old, ugly and possibly considered useless. They possess a passion for creative imagination and an eye for seeing something that is not yet there, turning discarded stuff into something people want. They restore value.
Just before Jesus began his ministry, scripture tells us, he was in the synagogue reading aloud this portion of Isaiah 61:
"And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read. And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah. And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written:
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”
Then,” Luke 4:16-21 says, “He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”
Jesus came to this planet wrapped in an earth suit – flesh and blood- to restore beauty and value to a broken world; to take us back where we have always belonged, into an intimate relationship with God our Father.
As Master Designer, God lovingly sorts through the scrap heap of our lives and sees us for who we can be rather than what we are. He sets our life on a path of repair and redemption the minute we yield everything we have and are to Him.
Feeling ugly, tattered, damaged, and useless? Though you may see yourself as such, your value has never once diminished inside God’s plan. He proved His obsession for your restoration by paying for it with the life of His Son.
Are there pieces and parts of you that are shattered, incomplete or in disrepair? Broken things are God’s specialty.
Surrender all your brokenness to God and allow Him a divine re-design. The process may be inconvenient and even painful at times, but endure it with gladness.
When God revalues a broken thing the results are priceless and beyond astounding, because that is exactly what you are in His eyes!
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Philippians 1:3 & 6 “I thank my God every time I remember you… being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
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