by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 It took about three weeks of random days, doing a section at a time, but I finally finished pressure washing the pool deck today.
As I was pulling the weeds that grow between the pavers with pliers, because my arthritis crippled fingers aren’t strong enough to grasp them, I was thinking about how adaptable humans are. How we endure and adjust to life’s difficult twists and turns. The Serenity Prayer has been quoted for a long time: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.”
I‘ve had to adapt to many difficult challenges through the years and realize of late, that I have always had a problem with the acceptance line of this quote. I‘ve never been good at accepting what I can’t change because I’m not sure I should. To me acceptance means giving up, giving in to a thing and allowing it to rule, and I see little in scripture or history where that has ever been a good idea.
My first son was born with a genetic disability, and while I accept and love HIM for who HE is, I have never fully accepted the imitations disability has placed on him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done everything possible to help him reach his full potential through the years. Have I adapted to how his disability affects him, me and our family? Yes, and continue to adjust daily. But I have never rejoiced that my son has not been able to live his life the way others do. I have never stopped grieving in the depths of my being that he still needs continual supervision as an adult.
I know in my heart God’s original creation was never meant to be this way, so complete acceptance still alludes me. All the ways I’ve adapted to having a crippling chronic illness, beginning in my mid-twenties, are too many to list here. Pulling weeds with pliers is just one of hundreds. Learning to eat properly to reduce inflammation in my body is another. Acceptance means I would give up. Lay in my bed, drink soda pop and eat donuts, howling in pain, expecting others to do everything for me.
There are times when we need others to do for us, but ‘the wisdom to know the difference’ is part of adjusting to our situation. I can never accept coming home from grocery shopping to find the man I loved for forty three years, dead. Just like that. Gone. No. Never. Because I know physical separation, death in this life, was never God’s intention from the beginning. Death was chosen and since then, we all live with the physical consequences of this choice. So after a lifetime of marriage, I’m at a new level of adaptation. Learning how to be single. How to be alone. How to get things done that are hard for me to do.  So many of the tasks Mike did are now mine and I’m slowly adjusting to all these new responsibilities; knowing when I should and who I can call for help, who I can trust and when I can do a thing myself.
I‘m certain I‘m making mistakes, bumbling along, asking for wisdom, help and endurance to figure it all out but I also understand I have to be patient, even with myself. I’ve been dropped suddenly into new territory, without a map or GPS, and this journey requires a steep learning curve.
As humans we grieve all our losses. Some impact us so deeply, that we never think of them without feeling that sludge hammer of sorrow to the heart and it is a huge misinterpretation of scripture to believe God asks us to deny this reality. What He wants is to be invited into it. To meet us there. To walk with us in and through.
So while I will not blindly accept any of these things that were never His original intention, neither will I pretend they don’t exist. I meet them head on with HIS strength and guidance. I have little of my own. Many days are exhausting and difficult, but I must not, cannot, settle into acceptance. I must keep trying. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep enduring.
By Father’s great grace I adjust. Adapt. Pull weeds with pliers and keep going.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Good Morning Father. I’m awake.
Another day, and my first thought as always, is he’s gone.  Still.
His side of the bed unruffled. Comforter flat and wrinkle free. Pillows smooth and in place.
Here I am without him. Again.
I can’t do this widow thing. But You can.
I can’t do this single mom/caregiver of a grown son with disabilities thing. But You can.
I don’t have enough faith. But You do.
I am without hope. But You’re not.
I’m not strong. But You are.
So I will push this blanket back. Put my legs over the side of this bed and my feet on the floor.
I will stand and get ready for whatever this day brings.
I’d rather pull this blanket over my head and stay right here. But You’re with me.
He’s not here. But You are.
Thank You for never abandoning us. You and Your Son have not forsaken me and mine.
You have and are everything I need. I place my trust in You.
We will do this day together. Here we go.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Jon’s birthday was a few weeks ago, May 4th actually, and birthdays have always been a big deal around here. Mike made sure of that. He believed if God took the time to make you and put you here on this ball we call Earth, you mattered. You were valuable, thus birthdays were cause for celebration.
“No one should have to work or go to school on their birthday,” he’d tell me every year, that little scowl line erupting between his eyes over the unfairness of it all. “It’s a holiday. In fact you should have your whole birthday week off!”
Who could disagree with that? Mike would buy a cake, candles, balloons and ask the birthday person in advance, “What would you like for your birthday? Where do you want to go?” Then he’d make it happen. And he loved it.
I went to the store the day before Jon’s birthday. Bought a cake and candles and made sure he had a few gifts to open. I asked him where he would like to go, what he’d like to do, and made a few suggestions. Before I went to bed that evening I reminded him, “Don’t forget to think about what you want to do tomorrow Jon. It’s your birthday.”
He was standing in the kitchen and turned to look at me. “I don’t care,” he said and my heart broke into a zillion pieces. Again. I went to bed that night, cried into my pillow and cried out to my Heavenly Dad. “Help us please! We are so wounded. Heal us. Bring us to a place of new joy.”
“Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.“ Psalm 30:10
Jon never left his room on his birthday and we didn't go out. It was the first time in 38 years he didn’t want to hear the happy birthday song or burn the candles down to the frosting before he blew them out.
Several days later that unopened package of candles was tucked away in a drawer, when I finally cut the cake and gave him a piece with his dinner. Right now, the loss of Jon’s father in his everyday life, turns every special occasion into pain. The events we usually celebrate become mile markers for what is missing. Reminders of what was. This is the nature of grief.
Choking back tears, I gently replied, “It’s OK Jon. I understand. Maybe your next birthday will be better. Maybe next year both of us will care again. Let’s just keep asking Jesus to help us with that.” Maybe by next year or the one after we will celebrate.
Maybe then we will say, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12
Please Lord, let it be so.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I've been Pastor Mike's wife for many years. I no longer have a pastor husband and I’m no longer a wife. You don't realize how much of your identity is tied to your spouse until they're gone. Everything I thought I was changed in one day. I know who I am in Christ. That's not the issue. I just don't know who I am on this earth. Not without Mike. This isn’t a path I planned. The choice was made for me. It’s the beginning of a journey to discover my new 'alone' earth identity and everything within me is resisting this road I must travel. There is so much loss this side of Heaven and earth life consists of constant change. But where there is great loss the potential for gain is greater. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19. In this present wilderness, as I’m stripped of my former self, there’s no guarantee of what the future holds or what I will become. But God promises to make a way. He promises water in the wasteland and I want to trust the day will come when a ‘new thing’ springs up. I‘ll no longer be consumed by the past but will have hope for the future. No Lord, I don’t see it! Or perceive it. Not now. Don’t let me give up. Help me to keep moving forward. “He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5. I surrender it all to You. Trustworthy and True One. Make me new.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 The topic of lives that matter has been at the forefront of news lately, so I might as well add another group to the fray, one that receives little to no headlines, attention or protests. In 2013, Robert Saylor, a man with Down syndrome died of asphyxiation after three off duty policemen moonlighting as security guards, restrained him to the floor in handcuffs when he refused to leave a movie theater. His caregiver's pleas for understanding were apparently disregarded when Robert wanted to see the movie again. Last week, Arnaldo Rios Soto, a man with autism, watched police shoot his caregiver on a Miami street. Arnaldo had wandered from his group home carrying a favorite metal toy truck in his hand. Someone called the police when they saw Arnoldo, describing him as a man with a gun, acting erratically. His caregiver, Charles Kinsey, was trying to coax him out of the street to safety when police arrived. As Kinsey tried desperately to explain Arnaldo had autism and the object in his hand was a toy truck, an officer discharged his gun at Arnaldo shooting Kinsey instead. Police officers have protocols to follow and tough judgment calls to make based on their best assessment of a situation and the developmentally disabled rarely fit the cooperation profile. During one of Jon's wandering episodes he was handcuffed and held in the back of a police car when he failed to answer an officer's questions or supply his name. To the untrained, the developmentally challenged can be perceived as dangerous and they experience more misunderstandings with police than any other population.* This week in Tokyo, Japan, Satoshi Uematsu a former employee of a residential facility for the disabled, broke in during the night and stabbed nineteen sleeping people to death and wounded twenty five more. Earlier he had written a letter that stated, "all disabled should cease to exist," and "the disabled can only create misery." The first people exterminated during Hitler’s 'purify the race' campaign were not Jews, but the disabled or feeble minded, as he chose to label them. Our Jon would have been the first to die, had we been alive in that decade. It seems no population is exempt from injustice and violence in a world where human hearts trade fear for discernment or choose evil over righteousness. A recently released movie, "Me Before You," based on the novel by the same name, is a fictional story of a handsome, athletic young man from a wealthy family who is spine injured in an accident and becomes a paraplegic. It's meant to be a tear jerker romance, but, of course, I found myself watching this story through the filter of disability and its connection to the value of a human life. The final message of the movie was disappointing, (spoiler alert!) the life of a disabled person is not worth living so the young man travels to Switzerland to die by assisted suicide. Significance is defined as the quality of being important, large enough to be noticed or have effect or influence, to be worthwhile, valued. Everyone longs to matter. WH Auden, a poet from the 1930's wrote, "..for who can bear to feel himself forgotten." We celebrate celebrity, worship achievement, want to be a 'somebody' and leave our mark on the world; a bigger than life personal graffiti wall that boldly states "I was here!" Our culture glorifies importance based on many factors: success, fame, wealth and influence, to name a few. Disability that achieves the earmarks of worldly success is glorified, but not all disabled persons contribute in ways others consider worthwhile. Does this make their lives less valuable? I don't have answers to all the tough questions about disability in the world, but our answer to the question of value usually depends on our worldview. This is mine: "God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.." (Genesis 1:26) and "the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul" (Genesis 2:7). If we believe God is the creator, author and beginning of all human existence, there can never be any doubt all lives matter. When Jesus told us to "love your neighbor as you love yourself" (Mark 12:3), He didn't offer any exceptions, in fact He stated no other commandment was greater. He gave the example of two people groups embroiled in a cold racist war with one another in the parable of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), to illustrate what this love looks like. Violence is a heart issue and will never be resolved until these words of Jesus are understood in the heart of every person and become standard practice. If we are breathing God's air on this planet He made, His life is in us, regardless of race, color, gender, preference, ability and age; we are His precious treasure. What others see when they look at us, our outward appearance, is only the packaging for the treasure inside and the wrapping, as beautiful as it might be, is never valued over the gift it holds. We are significant because God thought we were worth creating. He paid for our life with His, and extends nail scared hands to all humanity as proof of His investment in us and as a personal guarantee that we are top priority. Jon matters. You matter. I matter. God said so. And that should be good enough for all of us. Psalm 139:14-16 “I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them..” Psalm 22:10 “ I was placed in your care from birth. From my mother’s womb you have been my God.” *"Disabled people are four to ten times more likely to face violent crimes than the general population, including police violence, sexual assault, hate crime, bullying, robbery, and murder. According to the recent Ruderman report on media portrayal of police violence towards people with disabilities, at least one third to one half of all police violence cases covered by the media involves the disability community. ~ "#BlackDisabledLivesMatter vs #AllDisabledLivesMatter" by Pharaoh Inkabuss, blackautist.tumblr.com~
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Our son, David, texted me from Wisconsin, where he, Clara and little grandson, Asa, were at Clara's parents for the week with the rest of her siblings, their spouses and kids for a family gathering.  David's text said Asa was meeting his many cousins for the first time. Without much thought my reply was, "That's fun, because he'll never have any on this side." "Yeah, I've been thinking about that." He responded. It hadn't hit me until this moment; David's children will never have cousins from our side of the family. It was another 'never' moment in our life with Jon and I was suddenly saddened with a loss I fought for several days. Loss always brings varying levels of grief and comes in many forms, through death, rejection, betrayal, disappointment, regret, hijacked hope, disabled dreams or what could have been. We swim in this deep ocean of life, joyfully splashing, serenely floating or treading water, when loss washes over us like an unexpected wave. We're swept under by its powerful force, breathless and fearful, struggling to find air and a way to resurface. I don't know, maybe other parents of special needs kids do this better than me, but I still experience blindsided takeovers in my life with Jon. I'm buzzing along in our daily thing, trusting God, thankful for the blessings we have when it hits again, another huge wave, reminding me of more 'nevers'. You'd think after all these years I'd see it coming but they still catch me off guard. My heart sinks, panic and desperation threaten. I spit and sputter and cry out to God, once again, asking to be pulled from the depths of despondency. And He does. He always does. He reminds me He understands my mother's heart. He assures me He is there to bring me through. And He keeps His promises. When the wave subsides I rise again and get back to the good in life, looking on the bright side with a completely full, instead of half empty cup, counting my blessings instead of my lack. Asa won't have cousins here it's true, but he will have grandparents who love him. And because he has Uncle Jon in his life he will grow, as did his father, to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate and more accepting of other's differences. Our grandson will be shaped and influenced by the unique dynamic of our family in ways others cannot offer. Each of us have opportunities to dwell on the can't, the won't and the never. Yours are probably different than mine but we all have them. It's human to be pulled under the waves of despair at times but it's NEVER okay to stay there. Drowning is certainly an option, but not a good one. Ecclesiastes 3:1, says there's a season for everything, so we do our grieving, kicking and flailing, then grasp the hand God extends beneath the turbulent waters of living, resurface, breathe and move on. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.." Isaiah 43:1-2. Here’s one ‘never’ I can rejoice in. There's never a need to drown in despair! My God possesses perfect life guarding skills. He will always carry me back to solid ground. Psalm 40:2 “He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 42:11 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Ecclesiastes 3:1 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
This year, as the calendar would have it, I experience Jon's birthday and Mother's Day just a few days apart. Jon's birthday never goes as (we) planned. We wanted to take him out, he didn't want to go. We had cake, balloons and gifts ready at 11am, he stayed in his room until 7:30 pm. He wouldn't let us sing "Happy Birthday" to him, he wanted to play "Bad Moon Rising" on YouTube instead (??!!).  The candles had to burn all the way down to wax craters inside the top of the cake before he'd blow them out. Mike waited up until 11:30 for gift opening to commence and couldn't last any longer. He went to bed and gifts were finally completed at 12:45 am, with me falling asleep on the sofa. Jon was just getting started. He's thirty-six now. I'm not really 'raising' him anymore. Those days are over and he sorta' does what he wants around here. But I'm not really done parenting him either or maybe it's more of an advisory enforcer role, reminding him to shower, shave, take his meds, not wander away and to quit hijacking kitchen utensils he doesn't use and bills from the desk drawer, he'll never pay. I drag him to doctor and dentist appointments and talk him into getting a haircut whenever he starts getting the caveman look. We're caught in a weird time warp somewhere between unreasonable toddler, love-able kid, ornery teenager and grumpy old man. It all depends on the day or maybe the hour. There's no category for that I suppose. Then I went to an awesome mother's lunch yesterday and it got me wondering what Mom category I fit into. The mom with the most kids, the most grandkids, the most great-grands, the oldest, the youngest, the newest, the singles and the all-done-empty-nesters were acknowledged and asked to stand.  I was confused. I'm sorta' that one, but not really. I'm half the other one but not sure if half counts. So I stayed seated. Not that it matters much. Standing or sitting, I'm still two guy's mom and happy for it. I realize Mother's Day isn't perfect for some of us. Some have loss, rebellion, prison, prodigal, estrangement, medically fragile and unusual when it comes to kids and some who want children never have them. Life throws reality at us and we mourn, cry, kick and scream for a while then get up and keep going. God keeps us strong in all of it. We are HIS daughters, whether we have twenty kids or none, typical kids or not. He doesn't categorize or compare. We are just loved, valued and precious to Him. So here's a shout out to all God's daughters. Whatever earth bound category you fall into (or not) may you know He delights in YOU today. YOU are the blessed of the Lord. YOU are the Apple of His Eye. And YOU are His favorite (after me of course :). Happy Mother's Day! Psalm 115:14-15 “May the Lord continue to bless you and your children. You will be blessed by the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 17:8 “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you..”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Do you know, Jon, the majority of humans have forty six chromosomes in each cell of their body, a combination of twenty three from both their mother and father? This mix of DNA creates a brand new and unique person. Also adding to the individuality of a new life, are the blended chromosomal characteristics of many previous generations. Chromosomes are us! It's miraculous when you think about it. Then..Surprise! Once in a while, someone wins the extra chromosome lottery, for a grand total of forty seven. Someone like you. There are some theories about where that extra chromosome comes from, but no one really knows. According to experts, it didn't come from me or your father, because we each only have forty six. The greatest scientific minds have yet to figure out this random occurrence. They can't explain it. I'm certainly not scientific. I barely passed the brain twisting subjects of biology and chemistry in high school, so if the smart people don't know, then there's little hope of accurate theorizing from me. But I've wondered about that extra chromosome at times. Did it fall, like a shooting star, from the sky and right into you? Was it something I ate? Did God put it there? Were you specifically chosen for the purpose of carrying that extra copy of chromosome number twenty one or was it just...umm...a glitch? How does a person end up with an add-on? It's rather mystifying, so I don't think about it too much, because doing so ties my brain in knots. But occasionally I find myself wondering who, what, you would be without it. You probably wouldn't be living at home with us and by now would have a wife, kids, two cars, a mortgage and a dog. Believe me when I tell you, you're not missing much not having bills to pay. I think you'd still love music and movies, and be funny and sometimes grumpy. Maybe you'd still like quiet surrounding you, be a night owl, enjoy long evenings out and slow eating, savoring each bite of your food. I bet you'd still be messy, a bit obsessive, and would write notes to the people you care about. You would still believe, "Everyone deserves a second chance." And your smile would light up your eyes, a room, and this mother's heart, just like it does now. We have traveled a long way together, haven't we? You, me and that extra. What a difference it's made! It's been a life changer, a guide and a teacher and we are not the same as we would have been without it. I don't pretend to understand that chromosome or how or why it chose you. Maybe it's divine or just 'fate'. I can't say. But it doesn't matter, Jon, because you with your added chromosome are gloriously loved. And when it comes to love, chromosomes don't count. We're all on a level playing field. "For God SO loved the world...that whosever.." (John 3:16) The brightest mind on earth cannot begin to comprehend the how and why of this kind of love. If every single chromosome, in every single cell, in every single 'Whosever' in the world, is SO incredibly, fantastically, marvelously loved by the Creator of it all, maybe the playing field isn't as level as I think. You must be extra loved. At least that's how I see it. Lucky you!
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Jon wanted to go out again yesterday. So I ran a few quick errands while he waited in the car, then drove to the library because he'd hinted at wanting to pick out some movies. But he wouldn't get out of the car. Guess he'd changed his mind.  He wrote 'ice crem' on a scrap piece of paper he found, so I headed for Baskin Robbin/Dunkin Donuts. When he finally got out of the car he went into the Subway next door. He got a foot long club, three bags of chips, a soda and a milk. We were there from 4:30-9:30pm. When he finished that he went next door for ice cream. We were there until they closed at 11pm. I bought him a cup of Munchkins to go. Then he stared longingly at the ice cream cakes. He wanted one. "Not now, it's time to go home, pleeeease! It's late. I'm tired. They're closing. I'll get you one for Christmas," I told him, trying to maintain some semblance of patience. He flipped through the entire cake design book pointing at the ones he liked; a Valentines Day cake, Birthday cake, white with pink roses cake, everything but Christmas. By the time Jon got in the car then back out of it at home, it was 12:15am. I set his Munchkins on the kitchen island and proceeded to shut off lights, put Cola Kitty in the garage and lock down the house for the night. He walked past me on the way to his room, Munchkins in hand, paused and said, "Thanks for the ride." I laughed. Really Jon? I read an entire novel today, cover to cover, waiting around with you and that's all you got?! But it was his way of saying he had a good time. Sometimes you just gotta' see past your own need for acknowledgement, back pats, atta' boys and Oscar awards and be grateful for whatever a person is able to give. "You're Welcome, Jon." :)
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
It's no one's fault," the doctor in my hospital room said, the morning after our son was born. "These things just happen sometimes." Our newborn baby had Down syndrome and as the doctor began to explain the possible long term outcomes for him and our family, my heart raced in panic. My mind filled with a cloud of fear. "NO! This can't be happening! Not to my baby! Not to me! Not to us!" Isn't that how it goes when we're faced with circumstances beyond our control? When our carefully thought out plans are suddenly ambushed? We're cruising through life, a few bumps and glitches here and there, but nothing we can't handle. Then suddenly..Wham!! We find, not just the proverbial rug pulled out from under us, but the floor too. The ground has just opened up and swallowed us whole! And when we're done free-falling, we have to find a reason. The 'Why' must be answered. It has to be SomeOne's or SomeThing's fault. A friend sent me a card once that read, “Life is all about how you handle Plan B.” Plan A is what you want. Plan B is what you get and I wasn’t dealing well at all, with what I got. I fell into absolute despair trying to figure out what I did to cause my child's disability. For months it filled every waking moment and many sleepless nights. Those pesky, "I should have" and "I shouldn't have" scenarios, plagued my thoughts constantly. There was plenty of help in the guilt department from well meaning folks. Everything from, "You should of eaten more potatoes while you were pregnant," (no kidding) to "You must have bad sin hiding someplace in your life for God to punish you like this." Apparently there was a rash of babies born with Down syndrome at the time. In an attempt to find a common denominator (or something to blame) the Department of Health and Human Services for the State of New York called when Jon was about a month old to ask if they could survey me. "Do you live near power lines? How long have you lived there?" "Have you ever taken drugs? Did you take drugs while pregnant?" "How often do you drink alcohol? Never? Occasionally? Once a week? Everyday?" "What kind of make up do you wear? What brand of laundry detergent do you use?" After an hour long barrage of questions, I hung up the phone more convinced than ever I was the cause of my son's diagnosis. When I finally gave up blaming myself I turned my angst on God. He could have prevented this but didn't. It was His fault and I was mad. What kind of God did I believe in anyway? An overwhelmingly devastating question for me, since we were fresh out of Bible college and my husband was just beginning a lifetime of pastoral ministry. Though it seemed artificial to be so angry at God when my husband was a pastor, and I, the pastor’s wife, anger was all that made sense at the time. It was the easiest life raft to cling to. We see it in the daily news continuously. A crisis occurs, a shooting, tornado, flood, fire, mudslide, plane crash, death, violence or destruction. The talking heads start in, opinion-ating, analyzing, philosophizing and finally conclude with, "Something must be done to make sure this never happens again." Either people want to believe they have this much power, this much control, or placing blame is just a coping mechanism for the unanswerable and unexplained. Sometimes there is someone to blame but more often not. Sometimes stuff just happens because we live on a fallen, broken and sin cursed planet. Finding possible solutions is useful but the blame game often goes around in a monotonous circle until we are divided and estranged, from each other and from our only source of hope. God. It seems God is blamed for most everything that goes wrong, by people who barely acknowledge His existence the rest of the time or bother to thank Him for any of the good and right in life. In his book, Reframe. From the God We've Made to the God With Us, Brian Hardin said it this way: "We don’t usually start with God, but if we can’t find an answer we often end up there. God has become the cosmic trash heap for all humankind’s unexplainable suffering. He’s apparently got His hands in everything from tornadoes to human trafficking. From cancer to the reason the car wouldn’t start this morning. And this is the God we’re supposed to be in a relationship with?" If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: I can't control everything that happens to me, to those I care about or to the world at large. And I don't have to figure everything out, don't have to know all the answers. I only have to admit and own what I'm responsible for and trust my Heavenly Daddy has a greater plan and purpose than I can see. He will bring justice in His time. He will make everything right in His way and acceptance of this truth, deep in my heart and soul, not just my head, brings peace in a frenzied world. And for all my initial distress, despair, crying, sighing, shouting and blaming, my son turned out to be a blessing, a unique treasure God values and loves. Someone who is always teaching me the art of selflessness, drawing me closer to the heart of my Father. I eventually laid it down, the miserable scrutinizing, finger pointing and fretting over who or what was at fault. It was exhausting and served no purpose. Blaming drained life from me and returned nothing. The blame game was over and I lost. But I'm no longer a sore looser, just a grateful one. Job 40:1-5 The Lord said to Job: “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” Then Job answered the Lord: “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer—twice, but I will say no more.” Romans 9:20 "Who do you think you are to talk back to God like that? Can an object that was made say to its maker, “Why did you make me like this?” John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I was packing for a week long cruise, the first real vacation Mike and I have had together in fifteen years. It was a celebration of forty years of marriage and a long overdue get away. Our good friends had made time in their busy schedule to stay with Jon and our youngest son and his wife were joining us. Though we were excitedly looking forward to this time together, it was another family event Jon would miss and I was, again, contending with guilt attacks and assaults of sadness. I sent my conflicting emotions to the back room of my mind and updated the long list of Jon care instructions, made sure his prescriptions were filled, printed out a medical authorization letter and remembered to leave his insurance and ID card and keys to all the places we keep Jon-locked. After boarding the ship I knew bringing him would have been a disaster. Too many people, long lines, moments of hurrying then waiting, decks that didn't go all the way through the length of the ship causing creative strategies to find our way around, debarking for ports and making spontaneous plans and last minute decisions for the day then hurrying back to the ship on time so it didn't leave without us. Transitions. Transitions. More transitions. Something Jon never does well. There were other moments when we thought of him. "Jon would love this," we said. The never ending buffet, the puffer fish shaped cup wheeled by on a drink cart, the magician at our dinner table doing coin tricks, the casino and it's never ending spread of pricey "video games", a giant floating hotel to wander through and him curiously and slowly poking in every corner, nook and cranny. As we sat together at dinner each evening there was contentment in this extraordinary setting. Even our little grandson was along, growing inside the swelling womb of my daughter-in-law. But one of us was missing. My family was incomplete. There are random moments in life that trigger twinges of loss, a mourning for what should, but never will be. We are forever fighting enemies of guilt, regret and loss and constantly rising to new levels of acceptance. Acceptance is defined as an assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a situation without attempting to protest or change it. It is derived from a Latin word meaning "to find rest in." Some things we can't control or change, we can only accept, but it’s often difficult to find a place of rest in circumstances beyond us. Living out of the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' is pure misery and leaning into the, "Are you kidding me? I'm supposed 'to find rest in' this!" is hard work, but peace can only come with relaxing into the 'what is'. Even when life is great, it's still not perfect. On this cruise, we had to circumvent a hurricane and miss the most anticipated stop of the trip. While sailing on the far reaching edge of the storm, walking turned into a balancing act and we were woken in the night by rocking, rattling and clicking sounds and drawers, in our room, sliding open then thumping shut as soon as sleep came again. I was nearly attacked by a banana loving iguana on a Saint Thomas beach and every day was a bad hair day. But it was easy to overlook these uncontrollable situations in the anticipation and excitement of another sunrise and new adventures. Life sails on like a cruise. We board at birth and debark when taking our final breath. There are stops along the way, new places to explore, ports to experience. Some we appreciate, others not so much. Some we never wish to see again and others we hope for, but never experience when an unexpected storm changes the direction of our journey. There are long days at sea, as we're carried along, waiting, and trusting the Captain of our ship knows where we're headed and how to safely reach our destination. With God at the helm we are offered guilt free, acceptance-based cruising and a place to find rest in the storm. It’s the best way to travel and it’s never too late to book a lifelong trip. So don’t wait. Start now. Guaranteed, you'll love the adventure. "Jesus Savior, pilot me Over life's tempestuous sea Unknown waves before me roll Hiding rock and treacherous shoal Chart and compass come from thee Jesus, Savior, pilot me." ~ Edward Hopper, 1871 "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." "Come unto me..and I will give you rest." ~Jesus, Matthew 11:28~
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Mike was in a large, busy place when Jon emerged from the crowd and walked toward him.  “Hi Dad.” “Hi Son.” They embraced, then sat and chatted for a while, reminiscing about Jon’s childhood, "Do you remember the time when..?" They laughed at the memories. “Yes, I remember,” Jon said. “I remember everything you've ever done for me. Thank you.” “Why did you do some of the things you did, Jon? We were always just trying to help you. Why were you stubborn and so mean to mom and me sometimes? “I don't know. I'm sorry.” “It's OK, I forgive you. I've always forgiven you, because I've always loved you.” “I know Dad. I know.” Mike woke up suddenly, filled with joy in having had a real conversation with his son, at last. But it was only a dream. In sleep, our heart can reveal what it secretly longs for; the subconscious can give us a taste, a tease, of how it could be. Waking up can bring disappointment or offer us hope. Depends on what we choose to believe. I believe such a conversation will take place some day, maybe not here on Earth, but when we're all together on the other side of this life. There's nothing quite as reassuring as the hope of Heaven, where all things will be put right and all things will be made new. Revelation 21:4-5 “and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true."…
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 I opened my Facebook page this morning to pass along the exciting post our youngest son and his wife shared, announcing our first grandchild on the way (Yahoo!). As I typed a comment and hit the share button I noticed my post underneath, from last night, about being out with Jon and his roll of toilet paper that accompanied us to the pizza place. I usually don't give it much thought, then there are moments like this one, when the wide extremes of my life's norms, jump up and smack me right between the eyes. Webster's Dictionary defines normal as usual or ordinary; not strange. One child growing up, getting married and having his own children is pretty ordinary. The other child growing up and toting a roll of toilet paper to the pizza restaurant, standing in parking lots for thirty minutes before going inside a building, singing Disney songs to me at one thirty in the morning and the myriad of other unusual events that come with being Jon's mom, Mr. Webster wouldn't consider ordinary at all. As I scroll back through some of my older Facebook posts, I'm reminded that life with Jon is anything but ordinary and some of it seems downright strange, yet everything about him and this life we share with him has become normal for us. Occasionally, I'm sad, when I think of the usual milestones Jon's will never experience, but today the wide extreme depicted by those two Facebook posts made me laugh out loud. We live in a culture that is saying all experience, ideas and opinions must be either/or. And while it is true there are still absolute values, standards and morals, regardless of what culture thinks or says, my sons have placed me in a world that is both/and; the usual and the unusual, the ordinary and the strange, mixed together in a kaleidoscope of crazy wonder. Today, I smile, thinking of the unique joy found in living a life that is a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I'm perched on it, hanging on tight, mostly enjoying the ride, with no clue what tomorrow will bring Maybe ordinary is overrated.
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
 Jon was still awake and roaming the house when I went to bed late last night and the kitchen was a wreck this morning. He'd been in the pantry, cupboards and fridge, gathering food and dishes, setting them out on the island and table, opening jars, boxes and containers but not eating any of it. He was also dressed, with shoes on, ready to go somewhere. I quickly made breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen mess while he waited in the car. Then I sat with him in the car at the end of the driveway, close to an hour, waiting for him to give me a hint as to where he wanted to go. He finally handed me a Dunkin' Donuts coupon. I drove there and waited another hour, for him to get out of the car. When he finally did, he went inside Subway instead. There's so much about the way Jon functions I don't understand and these behaviors confine me to a life that looks much different than the norm. I sometimes feel I'm living inside closed walls, observing through a small window, the rest of the world rushing by. But I have slowly come to realize something profound. There is a freedom within these walls. Endless waiting brings freedom of time, quiet observation and contemplation. While others rush from one place to another, I wait. While others are frantic with long to do lists and schedules, I am excused. While others speed past the obvious and the hidden, I notice. I notice people rushing into restaurants, gulping down food and rushing out, taking no time for tasting, talking or relaxing. I notice the simple joy and happiness of a small boy swinging himself in half circles on a bicycle rack and how his expression shifts to sadness as his hurried mother grabs his arm and jerks him away. I notice the swagger of a young man as he walks through the parking lot, swirling keys around one finger, and am reminded of the strength and confidence of youth. I notice the old woman leaning on her cane, shuffling with slow steps and wonder about the life she has lived and if anyone bothers to benefit from the wisdom treasure within her. I notice the smiling young woman with no legs, entering the building in a wheelchair and don't stare at her but at the people staring at her, watching their reactions and reading their thoughts, visible as a billboard, on their faces. I notice the beautiful young woman with perfectly formed limbs intact, so lacking in confidence and longing for acceptance she dresses to draw attention to the intimate parts of herself and I pray for her. I notice the many shades of green in nearby trees and a quirky variety I don't recognize, comical in shape, like something from a Dr. Seuss book. I notice a tiny bird chirping in the tree in front of my car. I watch him and think of Jesus' words, that I am worth more to The Father than many sparrows. I lean my seat back and notice the intense blue of the sky and think about Heaven and my young friend, Rachel and her dreams. I listen to my daily Bible reading again and praise God for finding ways to speak encouragement to me. And I observe my son, his unusual and mysterious ways dictating my every day, and wonder why we don't measure with greater merit, those who march to a different drumbeat. Yes, there is liberty in this confinement and a freedom in all this slowness and waiting; one others, too busy rushing, wanting, scheming, planning and doing, rarely experience. Walls, it seems, keep me in but also keep the unnecessary out. Maybe I am more blessed than I know. Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God.."
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
We celebrated another wedding anniversary recently and as I dusted off our wedding album to reminisce, I smiled, flipping through the photos. Until I came to this one on the last page, this close up of our hands showing off our new wedding rings.  'Oh My Gosh!' I thought, 'My hands were so pretty and so straight once.' Six years after that photo was taken I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. A crippling auto immune disease triggered at the birth of our first son and ten years later, ravaging through me like an eighteen wheeler squashing a bug, following the birth of our second. As much as I wanted to, I didn't have time to stay in bed and it really didn't matter, staying in bed hurt just as much as being up. Painful nights without sleep and miserable exhausting days were measured on a pain scale of bad and horrible, making the bad days seem good. My family needed me and with two active growing boys to care for, prayer and pills became my constant companion. Pain pills, steroids, low dose cancer drugs and weekly injections all kept me in function mode. My continuous prayers went from begging God for healing to demanding my body stop its destructive storm, and everything in between. As the disease progressed the cartilage and fluid cushion between joints eroded. Fingers and toes began to drift, tendons shifted and bones fused. Slowly I was forced to give up activities I enjoyed; skating, tennis, playing guitar, clarinet and keyboards, hiking, wearing sexy shoes, doing my nails and many more. The day I went to have my wedding ring cut in half to remove it from my swollen, misshapen finger was the culmination of how much rheumatoid arthritis had stolen. I cried tears of bitter resignation. Since then, I have made drastic changes which positively affected my health: our family moved to a warm climate, I renovated my eating habits, began light daily exercise and the practice of stress release through prayer, meditative scripture reading and writing, laughing often, letting go of offense, forgiving, listening to my body, pacing myself instead of pushing, saying 'No' when necessary, asking for help when needed and giving myself permission to have fun. Over the span of several years, I gradually reduced the amount of medications and have been off all drugs for a decade. But until God heals me completely, the joint damage remains. As I looked at that picture of my normal hands, a stark reminder of what once was, I realized I rarely think of it now. I've adjusted, adapted and moved on. My hands aren't pretty. I know that. They are crooked and disfigured. But they still function, awkwardly managing to do what needs to be done. They can still plant a seed or cut a flower in the garden, sew a stray button back on, slice an onion in the kitchen, butter toast, throw a load of laundry in the machine, reach for another person needing prayer, comfort or hugs, type this blog (two fingers at a time) and perform so many necessary tasks. I'm far from the young girl in that picture now. I can't go back there nor do I want to. Those days are gone and as the years roll by I am learning to be thankful for what is. Today. Right now. I am learning to trust God in all things - understood or not, healed or not - big or small. I'm grateful I still have hands. Crooked as they are, they belong to God. I will use them to bring help, blessing and hope to others as long as I can. And I will raise them in worship and surrender to Him as long as He gives me breath. Whether I'm healed on this side of eternity and in spite of the affliction and problems of this life, I choose to proclaim with Job of old: "As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that as the last He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God, whom I will see for myself, and whom my own eyes will behold, and not another." Job 19:25-27
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
Jon is into cutting. But not in the same way or for the same reasons as other people. He cuts sleeves off shirts, toes off socks, slits in the center of our bath and dish towels, legs off his father’s pants and hem strips off sheets and bed skirts.  Yesterday I took him to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. He dressed in his finest: a sawed off sleeves, blue T-shirt with two belts tied around his waist, one made from a strip of a nice, fluffy over sized beach towel he repurposed and the other, a bright orange and white flowered cloth tie belt he took from my closet. When I'm tempted to be annoyed about this mysterious (and money wasting) behavior, I stop and remind myself to be thankful Jon's not harming himself. He has his own brand of creative fun going on in his very unusual and imaginative brain. And it's just stuff. I can always go to Walmart and buy more cheap, made-in-China towels and T-shirts for him to cut up. It's all replaceable. He isn't. Hanging out with Jon gives me an entirely different way to look at life and teaches me how to relax about little things that don't really matter. While Jon is cutting up stuff in our house, God is cutting away the Me that wants to rise up and demand life always go My way. God uses the people in our lives, yes; even those with annoying habits, to instruct us, change us and expose areas where we need to improve. There is nothing more liberating than letting go of the unrealistic expectations we have for others. Ask God to help you look at those frustrating, annoying folks around you through His eyes, with His heart. Then look inside yourself and let Him transform you so you can love freely, unconditionally and without barriers. The same way Jesus loves me and you. Philippians 2:3(ERV) “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves” Proverbs 27:17(NIV) “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
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by: diane.connis@gmail.com
I arrived home from church yesterday, after a wonderful service themed around honoring mothers. My breakfast nook was bright with a beautiful medley of flowering plants in a pretty container-a gift from my husband.  A dozen red roses adorned my kitchen counter, a striking orchid was on display in the middle of the kitchen island, and my pantry was stocked with more tea flavors to add to my already ridiculous collection-a gift mailed to me from my youngest son and daughter-in-law; signs that I'm not forgotten on Mother's Day. After Jon's caregiver left, I knocked lightly on his bedroom door and peeked in. "Hi Jon, how ya' doing dude? We just got home from church." He didn't respond or look up. "Do you remember today is Mother's Day? How would you like to take me out for lunch today? I'd like to spend the day with you and Dad and I'm hungry. Are you?" I smiled even though he wasn't looking at me. Jon's face turned to a scowl, the one that could mean in this moment, 'don't bug me', 'I don't want to go', 'get out of my room' or something similar. But I know him well enough to realize he could change his mind if I leave him alone for a while. "Ok then, you think about it," I said optimistically, "and come out when you're ready but don't take too long because Dad and I are hungry now. If you wait too long it will be too late to go," I shut the door and hoped. Thirty minutes later I asked again and was met with the same response. As the afternoon went by I realized his closed door was a "No" answer so I put a pizza in the oven, made a salad and Mike and I ate a late lunch. I talked to a mom over the weekend whose only child is serving prison time. She tearfully told me how she raised him right, taught him morals, values and to put God first in life. She wanted him, loved him, worked hard to put him through private school and college and did everything she knew to be a good mom. But he grew up, made some poor choices and now both of them are living with those painful consequences. As she poured out her heart, my own broke for her. I began thinking how this mothering thing doesn't always turn out the way we want or imagine. What we really want and need from our kids, is the same thing they want and need, as children, from us. We want them. Their time, their presence in our lives, their love and maybe more so after they've become adults. Maybe as our kids need us less, we need them more. We want hugs, big ones, real ones, not those sent over distance, Facebook posts or text messages (though I'll gladly take those if that's all I can get). I appreciate the gifts, flowers, chocolate, tea and dinners but my deepest longing is to know, I'm not forgotten and my kids still love me - their flawed, mistake laden and very human mother.  Instead, some moms get a son in prison, a child passed away too soon, a miscarriage or infertility, a daughter who is estranged from them or a child like mine, who doesn't know how to express himself clearly. And for these moms, Mother's Day and everyday comes mixed with a bit of sadness. Jon finally came out of his room long after the sun went down. I was relaxing in the family room in my favorite chair reading and drinking a cup of my gift tea. He found his dinner in the fridge and scavenged around in the pantry looking for snacks. Then he came next to my chair and stood there, his eyes flitting back and forth from the floor to my face. I looked up and smiled. He smiled back then began singing an enthusiastic version of some Disney song while playing his 'air' guitar. He stayed near me smiling and singing nearly twenty minutes, glancing my way constantly to see if I was watching him. I knew what that meant. "I see you Mom and this is what I have to give you on Mother's Day. It's the best I can do. I hope it's enough." What I really want from him, he can't give me. What I need from him, he still needs from me; to be recognized, acknowledged, affirmed and loved exactly for who he is. There are no hugs, no sentimental cards, texts, Facebook posts, I love you's or gifts from Jon on Mother's Day but I receive with a little sadness and a lot of thankfulness the very best he can give me. A silly Disney song that says, "I know you're still here." My oldest son didn't take me out to lunch and my youngest son lives too far away and couldn't be here but I know I am loved, even when life doesn't play out exactly the way I hope, even when I wish for more. So for all the mothers whose special day tends toward a measure of disappointment... You are strong. You are resilient. You are amazing. Contentment is learning to accept what is and finding peace inside it. I pray you find God's peace and unexplainable contentment in all of your unique, painful and incredible mothering moments.
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